Beast Banner May 2008
ISSUE #126
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Features

ArrowBait & Switch
Freely trading lies for votes
Allan Uthman

ArrowDirty Rock
Jay Rockefeller is a jerk
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowFuck the Troops
Someone had to say it
Ian Murphy

ArrowSuck my Jong
Old cunt attacks Matt Taibbi
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowThe Urge to Surge
Bhagwan Petraeus returns!
Stan Goff

ArrowAIDS Wolf on Murder Night
Includes a brief mention of some band!
Steve Gordon

ArrowBring on the Boycott
Anything to avoid the Olympics
Michael J. Smith

Fauxtures

ArrowNo, I am Not Fucking Bitter
A rural PA voter speaks out

ArrowThe Virgin Suicides
A NEWSBEAST exclusive from Muslim Paradise
Evan Thomas

ArrowWords that Jerk
It's not what you say, it's what people fear
Frank Luntz

ArrowThis BEAST in Science
This Issue's Election Science: The Clintonian Uncertainty Principle, The Truth/Outrage Obameter

ArrowObama Offers Clinton Nomination for Cigarette
Scott Borchert

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Cheney Sunglesses-Reflection Ambiguity

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

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THE BEAST PAGE 5 Cheney Sunglasses-Reflection Ambiguity

Name: Veronica Knuckle-Boobs

Turn-ons: Overactive imaginations, prurient interests, Rorschach tests, glaucoma, Freud, Surgeon’s Loops, Salvador Dali and Hieronymus Bosch

Turn-offs: Careful scrutiny, ultra violet light, civil liberties, aluminum rods and Blue Blockers

How I got to be the BEAST Page 5 Cheney Sunglasses-Reflection Ambiguity: Well, I was posted to the White House website months ago, to little fanfare. People don’t care much for Dick Cheney or fly fishing these days. But, suddenly and inexplicably, all web-surfing eyes were on focused on me last week, Veronica Knuckle-Boobs! People were saying all sorts of outrageous things, like that you can see my ribs and I need to eat more. Some people even thought I was dead, and Cheney was poised to violate my limp body—which he has, because I’m his right hand. He makes me do things—I don’t want to talk about it.

Future Aspirations: I’d like to grow a head.

How I’d like to be remembered: As the only Vice Presidential hand reflection that anyone ever masturbated to.



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