Beast Banner May 2008
ISSUE #126
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Features

ArrowBait & Switch
Freely trading lies for votes
Allan Uthman

ArrowDirty Rock
Jay Rockefeller is a jerk
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowFuck the Troops
Someone had to say it
Ian Murphy

ArrowSuck my Jong
Old cunt attacks Matt Taibbi
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowThe Urge to Surge
Bhagwan Petraeus returns!
Stan Goff

ArrowAIDS Wolf on Murder Night
Includes a brief mention of some band!
Steve Gordon

ArrowBring on the Boycott
Anything to avoid the Olympics
Michael J. Smith

Fauxtures

ArrowNo, I am Not Fucking Bitter
A rural PA voter speaks out

ArrowThe Virgin Suicides
A NEWSBEAST exclusive from Muslim Paradise
Evan Thomas

ArrowWords that Jerk
It's not what you say, it's what people fear
Frank Luntz

ArrowThis BEAST in Science
This Issue's Election Science: The Clintonian Uncertainty Principle, The Truth/Outrage Obameter

ArrowObama Offers Clinton Nomination for Cigarette
Scott Borchert

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Cheney Sunglesses-Reflection Ambiguity

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

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PUBIC CITIZEN

You guys hit the nail on the head, once again [Allison Kilkenney, “Stop Blaming Ralph,” issue 125]. I voted for Nader when he ran last time, and I'll vote for him again this time. As much as I despise the republicans, I'll be DAMNED if I vote for a Democrat who won't end the wars on Islam, drug users, and the poor. I agree with Nader: the republicrats are just one party with superficial differences.

Michael Cross

Dear Michael,
Yeah, uh, Nader’s cool, but let’s not overstate this. Gore would have been pretty lame, but not insignificantly better than Commander Doodoo Pants. Just having a president capable of pronouncing “nuclear” would improve our mood significantly.

EAT YOUR STUPID

Greetings, Beast!!!

Cool 'paper'. I really dig it.

I am a native buffalonian who currently resides in New Mexico.

I am a nutritionist and Lifestyle & wellness Consultant, and I'd like to submit an article(s) to your publication. Please respond if that is something you are interesting in printing. The focus is Nutrition, wellness, and Prosperity Consciousness.

Keep up the cool work!
J.

Dear J.,
We’ve never heard of “Prosperity Consciousness” before, but we don’t have to look it up to know it’s some soft-skulled, idiotic, faux-mystical self-help bullshit. So yeah, get to work, noodle head!

WEALTH OF RATIONS

Re: Top 10 Signs US Economy is Collapsing

I think Russia should go ahead and add #11:

"Foreign countries own so much of your stock exchange, they start putting their flags all over the place, and you feel bad asking them to remove them."

Sorry for the rambling incoherence, I'm coming off a bender/all-night work marathon.

Ben

Yakov Smirnoff responds:

Dear Ben,
In Russia, money spends you!

NADER TAKE ALL

My mom said something to this effect in 2001, soon after the drawn-out election debacle finally settled.

You are on point. Thank you!

I think that, along the lines of appreciating this Green Party gadfly, we (as a nation) should do more to eliminate "winner take all" mentality.

State races among Republican candidates for the nomination were full of this, and the national election will be no better, unless I sorely misread the electoral college rules.

Zac in VA

Dear Zac,

You know, we’d be OK with it as long as the actual winner gets to take all this time. Of course, there will be no way to verify that. So,we’re not going to be okay. Say hi to your mom for us!

FIRST (AND ONLY) PERSON

While reading "Icewoman Cometh" I thought I was reading a Hunter S. Thompson article. Then I realized he was dead. And the writers of this article weren't Hunter S. Thompson. That made me sad.

Rice Jabroni

Dear Rice,

So, you're telling us Hunter S. Thompson couldn't be two, completely different people? And further, that he couldn't be covering the 2008 presidential campaign as those two people because he's dead?! Well, we hope the shock didn't kill you.

At least not quickly, without great spasms of pain.

We were encouraged by your halting, flatline prose—tempting evidence of a severe stroke—but we realized it was merely stylized neo-acerbity. Right. We’re supposed to bleed ‘cause, like, you didn’t try too hard. It’s curious that more of nature’s apex predators haven’t adapted thusly, learning to slay their prey with showy indifference instead of goring them outright.

That's very trenchant of you, though: smearing us as Thompson epigones! Positively…ouch. Who better, really, to make such a tin-eared comparison than a confessed semiliterate anachronist? Except, say, a million of your frothier comrades? You’re lagging far behind the fangless liberal pack in deep-throating the good Dr.’s effigy, inhaling a hot dollop of his ashen jism every time you need to wash some other writer’s taste out of your mouth.

The man was a genius, so he surely apprehended an afterlife of cooptation in the fanatical, necrophiliac clutches of American “progressives.” It’s no wonder he ordered his body cremated and his remains blasted out of a cannon into the ether. He wished to be as ungraspable by you and your ilk as possible. Too bad they can’t load his books into a capsule and shoot it to Betelgeuse; sparing all of us the canting scriptural recitations by his dullest “fans.”

It’s a dilemma, we know. You’re a dyspeptic bunch, preferring to savor the juiceless, decomposing relics of your sainted heroes—whose comforting absence absolves you of your congenital ineffectuality. But maybe you’d have a broader frame of reference if you stopped behaving like a clan of carcass beetles, gorging on the transubstantiated corpses of the counterculture, the crippling hedonism of which Thompson so loudly disdained. Or maybe you just need to vary your diet. Terry Southern has been dead even longer than Thompson, but no one’s bothered to accuse us of ripping him off. The droning of the HST death cult has become so oppressive, you’ve forced Matt Taibbi to admit he’s been trying to copy H.L. Mencken his whole career.

All of this betokens ignorance on two fronts, because the vain idolaters who haven’t been reading anyone else really haven’t been reading much of Thompson either. We have no idea what HST would make of, say, a guy like Barack Obama—and we don’t care. It would be fun to resurrect him to see if—his political objections notwithstanding—he’d blame our military reversals in Iraq on “cowardly faggots and spies” (the same nebulous conspirators he blamed for our defeat in Vietnam, and for supposedly hamstringing the earnest cops of LA, NY and Chicago). But we don’t have the budget for that.

The best we can do is to admit that, when we first heard Obama speak, we were intrigued. Then we talked to a few of his followers and started listening to Barack more closely. That made us sad—and momentarily forced us to question our powers of discernment. Now, we just find our brief flirtation slightly embarrassing.

But, we're certainly optimistic for all the amnesiacs about the analogy to Kennedy (another revered stiff!). Kennedy was thoughtful, articulate, and utterly unplagued by "benignly imperial” missteps. Just ask Ngo Dinh Diem!

We hope Maliki has a bulletproof head.

USELESS.NY.GOV

This is a difficult day for all New Yorkers but most of all our hearts and prayers go out to the Spitzer family.

Curtis L. Taylor

Communications Director, Senate Democratic Leader Malcolm A. Smith

Dear Curtis,

Hey, that's great. Thanks for sending us this unsolicited, banal, boilerplate one-sentence statement, both in an e-mail and an attached document. Words cannot express the value this message has for us—"infinitesimal" just doesn't cut it. We get enough spam from Nigerian bankers, but there's nothing like spam from the fucking government. Thanks for taking up our bandwidth, drive-space, time and attention for no fathomable reason.

By the way, it wasn't a "difficult day" for these New Yorkers; mostly we hung around on the couch, speculating with our colleagues about exactly what a whore does for $5,000 an hour. We'd ask you, Curtis, but we have a feeling you earn considerably less than that.

WARNING: MAY CAUSE RETARDS

Please let Ian Murphy know that I laughed so hard at that article [Let There be Retards,” issue 117] I was slightly afraid I was going to induce a seizure. Also, I'm sad he didn't get to screw a Christian chick in the bathroom.

Bunny

Dear Bunny,

Now that would have been creepy and prophetic, an article called “Let There be Retards” actually turning you into a retard. Hey, we have a bathroom! Are you a Christian chick?

SHINING SHITTY ON A HILL

After Obama's speech on race relations earlier this week, an awed Hollywood lined up behind him, pledging renewed support. The list of supporters read like an Oscar program. This is bad news for Mr. Obama, who needs the support of working class white men who don't care who Sean Penn votes for. So let's forget star-struck Hollywood; what has Mr. Obama done for red-meat Reagan Democrats? Has he worked on behalf of middle-class families worried about rising prices and falling incomes? Yes, but so has Hillary.

In what way, then, is Obama different? Because he speaks to an audience with a respect for their intelligence. He uses a frank and reasonable tone that causes a listener to actually pay attention to his words. Obama makes good use of that openness, not to harp on a narrow point, but rather, to reframe issues in a way that invites participation, that invites inclusively. For this reason, I believe that if he's given an honest listen, even Reagan Democrats …. Oh, good grief I sound like one of them, don't I? Is it possible to give up this Obama-worship once and for all? Yes we can. YES WE CAN!!

Jeramy L. Bender

Dear Jeramy,

Way to almost make a point, and at the same time demonstrate that Obama’s respect for his audience, if it exists, is unwarranted. By the way, “Reagan Democrats” is actually a common mispronunciation of the original term for that voting bloc. The proper term is “Racist Democrats.” It’s a subtle difference, but significant with regard to Obama’s chances.

PARTY LINE

For about three years now, I have been reading the Beast online, especially your annual list of the 50 Most Loathesome People in America, and you guys are spot ot with quite a few of your shots in that list!

Eventually, I intend to subscribe to the Beast, and I will soon get the mailing address so I can send the payment in money order form.

I only have one question:

With all the comments you make about Bush, Cheney, et al., have you ever been investigated by the government for these remarks. Not that I would report you, I wouldn't, I'm just curious.

You guys swing a big hammer at the Beast, and that puts you in the same league as my internet hero - Bartcop!

Keep the groove going in the Nickel City, Al. You and the whole team at the Beast!

George Mullins

Dear George,

Frankly, if someone isn’t wasting taxpayer money listening to our phone calls, then we’ve failed somehow.

PINHEADED PATRIOT

Bill O'Reilly is the best thing on TV. Maybe if you listened to him, you might learnnnn something. He is totally fair and impartial. FOX rocks - the only sane news station in America, and number one by the way.

Jane Dolan

Dear Jane,
Setting aside for the moment the possibility that you are just another alter ego for John Dolan of the
eXile (what, the War Nerd isn’t enough for you, Dolan?), you are one seriously dumb cunt. Also, we feel compelled yet again to point out that popularity is by no means a measure of quality. Jessica Simpson is popular, and her music kills talented people. “Mighty Morphing Power Rangers” was popular, and that show was downright unwatchable. Cigarettes are popular. Keanu Reeves is popular. In the ‘80s, shoulder pads were popular. Shoulder pads, Jane! On women! That’s Fox News for you, Jane: The chick-shoulder-pads of the new news century. And then there’s you, the number one dumb cunt. With a bullet!

HAHA I’M STUPID

FROM Sic:

"Dear Lauren,
. . . our work seems to draw the interest of seriously crazy people . . ."

That's the truth.


Also, NINE ELEVEN WAS AN INSIDE JOB!!!!!!!!! [collapses into seizure, pisses pants]


Tyler Bass

Dear Tyler,

This would be more funny if you didn’t actually believe it. We still have those e-mails about the thermite and the “BBC was in on the plan” silliness.

ISN’T IT IRAN-IC

Uthman is correct [Last Tangle in Persia,” issue 125]. A new war will begin soon and the Democrats will do nothing to stop it. Clinton and Obama both say that all options are on the table with Iran. Obama chatted with Israeli foreign minister Tzipi Livni and no doubt assured her that as president he will do whatever Israel wants, including kill thousands of Iranians.

John Conyers said that he will hold impeachment hearings if Bush starts a war with Iran but he also says he fears impeachment will be used against Democrats. That means he will continue to do nothing.

We are like Germans in the 30s. Actually we are worse because we presume to be good people in a democracy.

God damn America.

Margaret Kimberley

Dear Margaret,
Can you tell us how people get the nickname “Peggy” out of your name? If you can follow up with how “Jack” comes from “John,” we’ll even excuse your hopelessly clichéd “we are Nazis” boilerplate liberal hyperbole. Get back to us when Bush bans jazz.

BREAD, WATER & BEAST

Dear BEAST,

I subscribe to your magazine and I have recently been shipped to a new prison. I was born and raised in Buffalo and I just want you to know how happy (and proud) it makes me when I get The BEAST in the mail. You are up there with Dave Fridmann and Rick James. I really miss my hometown. My family was supposed to contact you for my address change and I am just ensuring that this happens because I have always loved The BEAST and I enjoy sharing it with a few like-minded fellow inmates. I also donate it to the prison library so everyone can at least see your great covers. The last issue I received was February #123 (Primary Fever) and I hope that you can start my remaining subscription from there. Prisons are horrible at forwarding magazines and I do not want to miss any issues. If not, that is Okay, I will forgive you. I am enclosing the old and new addresses of my former and current institutions. Thank you for making me laugh (and think).

Donald Egan

I would vote for Obama (if I was allowed) even though Oprah's "bored housewife" moral agenda scares the hell out of me.

Dear Donald,
We’re sure Obama’s thrilled to have the convicted felon endorsement. Don’t sweat it, Donald; we’ll send your issues posthaste. Enjoy your satire and disenfranchisement!

AWWWWW

Dear Editor,

My name is Vanessa Hernandez. I am a fifth grade student at Napa Valley Language Academy in Napa, CA. The reason I am writing to you is because I am starting my state report and I chose your state, which is the state of New York. I would really appreciate you posting my letter in your newspaper so that can get all the help I can get from your readers. I would appreciate it if you could send me any facts, postcards, pamphlets, souvenirs, or anything else that may help me with my report. I would be writing about agriculture, history, economy, famous people, historical figures, events and National Parks. I will also be doing an oral report poster, and Power Point presentation. Thank you very much for your help and support in making me a great researcher of your wonderful state.

Sincerely,
Vanessa
Napa Valley Language Academy c/o Ms. Hernandez
2700 Kilburn Ave. Napa, CA 94558

Dear Vanessa,
Well, your spelling, grammar and penmanship are better than those of the majority of our readers, so kudos to the Napa Valley Language Academy—although letting you write to us for help was, at best, a major oversight. Or is it an opportunity for you to learn about the real New York? Only our readers can answer that question. So come on, BEAST readers! Help little Vanessa out. Seriously though, please don’t send anything really vile.



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