Beast Banner June 2008
ISSUE #128
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Features

ArrowFROM THE DITCH OF A BLUE-COLLAR GUY FROM BUFFALO
A welcoming message from Russert country

ArrowTHE WRATH OF CON
A faith healer in Buffalo
Ian Murphy

ArrowBIG FUSS
Tim Russert, "A guy who did the news and just died"
Paul Jones

ArrowMEDIA MANNERS
Media Matters for America's mission creep
Allan Uthman

ArrowGETTING FIT WITH JOHN McCAIN
My friends, this workout is for all hardworking Americans

ArrowSUMMER GAS-SAVING TIPS
Stave off bankruptcy with these helpful suggestions!

ArrowTHE DISPOSABLE OATH
Goff Angry!
Stan Goff

ArrowEAT SHIT & DIE
Diseased veggies are the meat industry's fault
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowOLD DOGS & HARD TIME
Convicted rapists are people too
Joe Bageant

ArrowPEN OR SWORD
Retired Navy Commander Ken Huber on Iran, Obama & Bathtub Admirals
Russ Wellen

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Appalling racist anachronism

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

 

Summer gas-saving tips

The price of gas is on the rise, with no relief in sight, and the sorry state of America’s economy is no help either. Americans are strapped for cash, but as always we need to get around. How can you make traveling easier this summer? Here’s a few helpful tips to get you on the road again!

Full speed ahead: Frequent stops and starts wreak havoc on your gas mileage, so remember to just blow through all stop signs and traffic lights. If you run someone over, steal their wallet! Cha-ching, another free tank of gas!

The rickshaw method: Chain a few impoverished illegal immigrants to your grille and offer them a dollar each upon arrival at your destination. For a round trip, just pretend you left your money at home! If they complain, threaten to call INS.

The Flintstones shuffle: After cutting a few large holes into the floor of your car, stick your bare feet through them and run your way to gas economy—and fitness! Tetanus booster advised.

Biofuels: Take a bushel of corn and boil it. Eat the corn. Use the energy to push your car.

Sleepy-time: Soak a rag in gasoline. Clutch it over the mouth and nose of a nearby motorist until he or she passes out. Siphon the victim’s gas.

Five-alarm discount: If you’re really in a pinch, after filling up your tank, spray gasoline all over the service station and set it on fire. With any luck, no one will notice you driving away with a full tank for free!

The good Samaritan: If you run out of gas, flag down a friendly motorist and tell him you need a jump. Feign total ignorance of how the operation works, and while he or she is busy attaching cables to your battery, hop in the helpful stranger’s car and drive away! Repeat procedure as necessary.

Staycation: Buy a single gallon of gas and take it home in a safe container. Huff the gas until you lose your will to drive anywhere.

Newton’s errand: Try to drive to places that are downhill from your location. Wait until the price of gas falls before you drive back.

Geek bash: Find a friendly person who happens to own a Hybrid. Beat them up and take their car.

Location, location, location: Move to Iran.

The Republican solution: Go to the Alaska National Wildlife Reserve and drill for oil there. If you are successful, in ten years or so the price of gas will drop by one penny!



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