We seriously need money. Anything. A buck. Come ahhhn!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Hey Gemini, we all know “The Simpsons” used to be a really great TV show. Please stop saying “it’s like that Simpsons episode where…” It’s old already. Plus, it’s just not polite to compare my mother’s health to “the Monorail.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You’re right, Cancer: everything’s giving you cancer. But at least you’re getting something out of the deal.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
Dear Leo, the stars are telling me to shut your fucking mouth when you chew!
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Your observation about “butch lesbian couples” being strange because they’re both attracted to masculine-looking partners demonstrates your utter lack of understanding of human sexuality and the meaning of “gay.” The idea that one woman from a lesbian couple should fashion her appearance after what our culture regards as feminine, is idiotic on so many levels. But you’re right: it’s hotter if at least one of them gets all whored up.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
Libra, it’s your anus, you can do with it what you want. But using it as a reference isn’t a good place to start.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Sure, Scorpio, conscious beings evolved on this planet hardwired to recognize other conscious beings. Prey that ascribed agency to a flailing leaf would run, but live to procreate. Prey that didn’t ascribe agency to a dangling tree snake would die. Thus, it’s been an evolutionary advantage for conscious beings to err on the side of caution—and ascribe agency or intention to events which haven’t any. And yes, Scorpio, this hardwiring is still with us. And yes, that’s why we personify that without personality, and create gods and boogey men where there are none. And yes, that’s also why we see faces on the moon and in the clouds. But that still doesn’t explain why your face looks like a butt.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
If drunk enough, “Sagittarius” sounds like “Saggy Terrorist.” Certainly, this means something.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Not everyone has seen Dune, Capricorn. That’s why they don’t appreciate your poison-filled tooth.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Sorry, Aquarius, but getting crushed by a vending machine does not earn you the title of “hero.” You’d have to get eaten by a shark for that, at least.
Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
Someone close to you will eat fast food in the very near future.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Hey Aries, did you know Tim Russert liked the Buffalo Bills? He did, you know. He really, really liked the Bills. He also loved his dad a lot. And he was from Buffalo. Plus, he liked the Bills, like big time. You heard anything about that?
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
You’re attractive, financially secure and getting married to a gorgeous dancer you met in a strip club. And I’m supposed to get you a wedding present? Eat shit.
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