We seriously need money. Anything. A buck. Come ahhhn!

THE BEAST PAGE 5 PHONY AUTISTIC BABY

Name: Whiney McWhiners

Turn-ons: Laziness, slacking, faking serious diseases, Meryl Streep and Gerber’s strained manganese.

Turn-offs: Right-wing radio, Michael Savage, father-figures, tough parenting and contributing to society

How I got to be The BEAST Page 5 Phony Autistic Baby: Well, everything was going great—for a while. I’d fooled my stupid, sissy parents and pediatrician into thinking I had autism. It was awesome. I just sat around all day, zoning out on my fingertips, doing fuck-all, and that’s how I liked it. I could have coasted through my whole life like that. But no! Mike Savage had to go and ruin my scam. The jig’s up, and now I have to work for a living. I read that The BEAST needed a phony autistic baby, so there ya’ go.

Future Plans: I plan on finding a different disease to fake—something in the neighborhood of Down’s syndrome. Because, really, who has Down’s syndrome, anyway?

How I’d Like to be Remembered: Like Rainman, but cooler.