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ISSUE #129
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Features

ArrowA PROLEGEMONOUS EPISTLE FROM EUSTACE TILLEY
The New Yorker mascot on this Obama cover balderdash

ArrowTERROR ALERT!
The absolutely true story of how The BEAST smuggled al Qaeda into the U.S.
Ian Murphy

ArrowTOP 10 IDIOCIES OF THE GENERAL ELECTION--SO FAR
It's a list--you like lists!
Allan Uthman

ArrowZIRINTERVIEW!
Sportswriter Dave Zirin stoops to our level

ArrowTHE ASSHOLE DISEASE
The 'Empathy Deficit Disorder' epidemic
Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowSPECIAL IRAN WAR PREVIEW!
The sequels just keep coming!
Paul Jones

ArrowCATASTROPHE IN CHIEF
The end of the American empire
Stan Goff

Arrow7 DIRTY WORDS YOU'D NEVER HEAR TODAY
Carlin was one cool [expletive deleted]
Allison Kilkenny

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Phony Autistic Baby

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

 

Tired of waiting for world-changing events to actually occur to find out what they are? Wait no more! BEAST senior foreign policy/soothsaying editor Paul Jones has read the Persian tea leaves, and possibly smoked some of them as well, providing us with a rundown of our inevitable war with Iran.

Public support for John McCain wanes when the Republican presidential candidate makes a speech on foreign policy that includes references to Byzantium and Pangaea.

As McCain’s abysmal poll numbers pour in, his panicked advisers frantically dial the White House but receive no answer. President Bush has ordered all phones off the hook for the evening, while he and Samuel Alito watch Cocoon 2: The Return. McCain staffers persist and, an hour later, an unidentified man answers the phone in slurred Japanese, becomes belligerent and hangs up. Several more minutes pass before senior McCain adviser Charlie Black gets through. President Bush answers, with Gary “U.S.” Bonds’s “New Orleans” blaring in the background. Bush listens impatiently to Black and vows to “do something first thing in the morning.” Black, dissatisfied and hoarse from shouting, asks if he might speak with Vice President Cheney. The phone goes dead.

The following day, Bush convenes as his first order of business a 3pm meeting with the Joint Chiefs. He immediately puts them to work on a 5,000-piece puzzle of Grant Wood’s “American Gothic,” depicting the farmer and woman as giant beetles. At 3:05, bored with the spectacle of the puzzlers, he decides to lighten the mood by sawing his Scottish Terrier Barney in half. At 8:30, while still attempting futilely to reassemble Barney, he suddenly remembers his conversation with Black from the previous evening and blurts offhand to the assembly, “Oh, yeah, we gotta do Iran.” Ignoring the horrified silence from his underlings, he dismisses General Casey for shaving puzzle pieces with a razorblade and orders him replaced “with my brother Neil’s kid.” It is unclear whether he intends simply to have his nephew, Pierce, finish the puzzle, or wishes him appointed to the Joint Chiefs.

He cradles Barney’s halves in his arms and departs for “the Surgeon General’s office.”

Bush, Condoleezza Rice and Robert Gates agree the announcement of the first wave of troop redeployment to Iran should be made to soldiers during a USO show. Sacha Baron Cohen reprises his role as Borat. In rapid-fire delivery, he tells soldiers at a base in Kirkuk: “You-can-stop-rape-of-Iraq-and-insert-penis-into-Iran’s-anus. Pause!” Several side arms are discharged and Cohen is killed—not in response to his announcement, but because slow-witted Marines mistake him for a “hajji.”

The McCain campaign enjoys a fleeting rebound in the polls when they hold a “Free Draft Day” in Washington, sponsored by Anheuser-Busch. Public sentiment again turns ugly, however, when voters learn the stunt is a tie-in to promote the White House’s reinstitution of the draft. As she ascends the stage with her husband, a drunken mob douses Cindy McCain with alcohol. The beer heiress instinctively tears her top off and swings it lustily over her head. Senator McCain lifts his feeble hands to cover her body, but only gets his palms as high as her breasts. The event becomes one of McCain’s most successful fundraisers. Newsweek polling indicates McCain’s numbers soar among “dirty old men.” McCain seizes the opportunity to call for a reinvasion of Grenada. Pundits applaud the initiative as “Reaganesque.”

The Iranian invasion begins auspiciously for the United States. Iran’s Revolutionary Guard mistakes the first wave of ragged, wounded and unequipped American soldiers for Iraqi refugees and allows them unimpeded passage into Tehran. Their misjudgment proves harmless, however, as the haggard troops “surrender” to CNN cameramen.

The president, consulting with General Petraeus, devises a scheme to deliver, by Apache gunship, 600 anchovy pizzas each to the homes of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. “That they didn’t even order!” Bush declaims gravely during a nationally televised press conference. Several choppers are downed miles shy of their destination by Iranian missiles and the rest turn back. Somewhere, Jimmy Carter celebrates with a private fist pump. Additional plans to fire flaming bags of poop high-ranking officials’ doorsteps are abandoned. Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke is forced to engineer a taxpayer-funded bailout of Fratelli’s House of Pizza. The White House disposes of the remaining pies, rejecting a suggestion to donate them to a homeless shelter, and orders Chinese takeout for dinner.

Having received no words or show of support, President Bush sends an urgent plea for assistance to US allies in Israel. Prime Minister Ehud Olmert replies by text: “NFW!” The establishment of a separate, independent Palestinian state is announced later that day. The war takes a bizarre turn when, for several days straight, Blackwater mercenaries fighting alongside American troops encounter Blackwater mercenaries fighting alongside Iranian forces. After an additional week of tense negotiations by the US with Blackwater CEO Erik Prince, the matter is resolved. Prince orders all Blackwater personnel to decamp from American bases and exclusively support Iran, telling US officials “It’s purely a business decision.” Exploiting the immunity granted them by Iran—and previously by the United States—Blackwater gunmen take potshots at American soldiers as they withdraw, decimating numerous outposts. Nouri al-Maliki and Hamid Karzai abscond, like Thelma and Louise—literally dressed as women—in Uday Hussein’s Prowler roadster.

Fox News begins reformatting its programming. Bill O’Reilly grows a beard and dons a white headdress. His first post-invasion “Factor” news special makes the case that former “Factor” producer Andrea Mackris should be whipped by Bill O’Reilly for witchcraft, and seducing Bill O’Reilly. The program is banned in Iran for its moral depravity. “Hannity and Khamenei” fares much better initially, but viewers soon gripe that the co-hosts “agree on everything” and ratings sag. “Moqtada and Colmes” is canceled after only three airings, but not before Alan Colmes is the target of multiple fatwas. Fox agrees to conduct and televise his stoning, for various blasphemies, during a special on Islamic law hosted by Greta Van Susteren. Media Matters criticizes the death squad, which includes Brit Hume, Jonah Goldberg and Ann Coulter, for its lack of diversity and Coulter’s mid-throw characterization of Colmes as a “pussy.” The show’s high Nielsen returns are attributed to viewers’ bloodlust and the fact Van Susteren’s face is veiled.

President Bush announces simultaneously to the American people the US surrender in Iran and his plans to send forces into China. John’s McCain’s and Barack Obama’s hopes for the White House are each dashed when Iran seizes on the US economic collapse to depose Bush and install Lou Dobbs as satrap. Dobbs immediately calls on legal and illegal Mexican immigrants “To learn Farsi or get out!”

Next issue: Osama to the rescue!



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