Beast Banner August 2008
ISSUE #129
Issue 122 Cover Small
Last Issue Archives Blog Comix
Web BEAST Blog
 
Contact Download PDF RSS Subscribe Advertise

We seriously need money. Anything. A buck. Come ahhhn!

Features

ArrowA PROLEGEMONOUS EPISTLE FROM EUSTACE TILLEY
The New Yorker mascot on this Obama cover balderdash

ArrowTERROR ALERT!
The absolutely true story of how The BEAST smuggled al Qaeda into the U.S.
Ian Murphy

ArrowTOP 10 IDIOCIES OF THE GENERAL ELECTION--SO FAR
It's a list--you like lists!
Allan Uthman

ArrowZIRINTERVIEW!
Sportswriter Dave Zirin stoops to our level

ArrowTHE ASSHOLE DISEASE
The 'Empathy Deficit Disorder' epidemic
Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowSPECIAL IRAN WAR PREVIEW!
The sequels just keep coming!
Paul Jones

ArrowCATASTROPHE IN CHIEF
The end of the American empire
Stan Goff

Arrow7 DIRTY WORDS YOU'D NEVER HEAR TODAY
Carlin was one cool [expletive deleted]
Allison Kilkenny

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Phony Autistic Baby

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - We ridicule your letters

 

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

Every time someone says Barack Obama’s middle name, Leo, an old Scots-Irish woman has a stroke. You need to stop, you monster.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

It was funny at first, Virgo, that you fell for that hoax alternative medicine website pushing “Tobasco enemas.” But after three traumatically painful “cleansings” without the slightest glimmer of understanding, it’s starting to feel more like abusing a helpless animal. Virgo, You should probably see a doctor.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

No, Libra, it’s not all that unusual for a child to stick beads so far up his nose that he requires medical attention. But James is 23 now, and it’s time to stop calling him a “late bloomer.”

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

I know your working conditions are less than ideal, Scorpio, but in the future could you try not to shit in the jalapeños? I have a thing for homemade guacamole.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

I’d tell you to withdraw all your money from the bank, Sagittarius, but that might cause a run on the bank, which would mean you can’t get your money, which is why you should withdraw your money.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19) Your girlfriend may be stiff and robotic, Capricorn, but she is not a Cylon. She’s a Terminator. Get it right.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

John McCain loves Abba, Aquarius, and Barack Obama can sink a three-pointer on the first try with the entire world watching. Now who ya like, jocktard?

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)

The surge, which is working, is working, Pisces. Did you hear the surge is working? It is. It’s working. I mean, after all, if it weren’t working, would politicians feel the need to insist incessantly that it were? So there you go.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Conan O’Brien as host of the Tonight Show I can live with, Aries, but have you heard who they’re replacing him with on “Late Night”? Jimmy Fallon, for fuck’s sake. Jimmy fucking Fallon. What, was Adam Corolla too busy? But you’ll be all right: later this week, you’ll be crushed by a frozen block of human waste from an airplane. Congrats!

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

Your giant SUV may cost too much to keep, Taurus, but its value has fallen so much that you can’t really sell it, much like your house. At least the Escalade is big enough to stretch out in, which will be nice when you’re sleeping in it. USA! USA!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If you didn’t want to die in prison, Gemini, you shouldn’t have referred to your cellmate’s shoes as “the bomb” while going through customs.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Cancer, Your letter-writing campaign to officially ban the word “Roastito” will not ultimately succeed.



send your ill-informed ravings to us here
Affiliate Sponsors
MotoSport, Inc.|Netflix DVD Rentals. NO LATE FEES; Free Shipping. Try for FREE! | music123.com | Direct2Drive
T-Shirts only $14.99 when you buy 3 or more at CCS.com | Shutterfly.com | LinkShare Referral Prg
© Copyright 2002-2008, The Beast. All rights reserved.