Beast Banner September 2008
ISSUE #130
Issue 122 Cover Small
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Features

ArrowAN URGENT MESSAGE FROM GEORGIA GOVERNOR SONNY PERDUE
The Russians are coming!

ArrowIMPEACH OR BEHEAD?
Which should be our gooaal?
Ian Murphy

ArrowMOLDY DICK
John McCain's fraudulent legend
Allan Uthman

ArrowGROOMING THE BEAST
Professor Robin Dunbar on your primate brain and its societal limitations

ArrowA PROMOTIONAL MESSAGE FROM BLACKWATER SECURITY
Check it our, maggots!

ArrowBUSH HAD BETTER INVADE IRAN OR MY REPUTATION IS FUCKED
Seymour Hersh

ArrowTHE ABOMINABLE G-MEN
Bringing a camera to the DNC? You might be a terrorist
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowCONSPIRACY CORNER
Bruce Ivins: Patsy, madman or more?
Ian Murphy

ArrowFUCK BILL CLINTON
Seriously.
Matt Cale

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Dictatorial Facial Hair

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

The BEAST Page 5 Dictatorial Facial Hair

Name: Robert Mugabe’s Moustache.

Turn-ons: Charlie Chaplin, ethnic cleansing, crushing dissent, making opposition leaders eat my campaign posters, the Shick Quattro, Hitler, rampant inflation and camping with friends.

Turn-offs: Fags, white people, fair elections, international monitoring, the Congo, Uganda, Rwanda, Don Cheadle, Tom Friedman, General Ambrose Burnside and basically anyone who doesn’t agree with me.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 5 Dictatorial Facial Hair: Well, while Rob was at Oxford I was a full-grown, full-fledged ‘stache, but the more he focused on Zimbabwean nationalism the smaller I became. Eventually, I was reduced to the sad state you see today. And that’s the real tragedy.

Future Plans: I’m talking to Random House right now about getting my book published. We’re currently at an impasse about the tone of the thing. They want an historic retelling of my days under the nose of Africa’s most terrible leader, but I’m leaning more toward a fictional account of the last days of Stalin’s pubes.

How I’d Like to be Remembered: As an absolute icon of dictatorial fashion, but more importantly, as an unpretentious bit of keratin which grows approximately .4 mm per day.





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