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ISSUE #130
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Features

ArrowAN URGENT MESSAGE FROM GEORGIA GOVERNOR SONNY PERDUE
The Russians are coming!

ArrowIMPEACH OR BEHEAD?
Which should be our gooaal?
Ian Murphy

ArrowMOLDY DICK
John McCain's fraudulent legend
Allan Uthman

ArrowGROOMING THE BEAST
Professor Robin Dunbar on your primate brain and its societal limitations

ArrowA PROMOTIONAL MESSAGE FROM BLACKWATER SECURITY
Check it our, maggots!

ArrowBUSH HAD BETTER INVADE IRAN OR MY REPUTATION IS FUCKED
Seymour Hersh

ArrowTHE ABOMINABLE G-MEN
Bringing a camera to the DNC? You might be a terrorist
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowCONSPIRACY CORNER
Bruce Ivins: Patsy, madman or more?
Ian Murphy

ArrowFUCK BILL CLINTON
Seriously.
Matt Cale

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Dictatorial Facial Hair

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

An Urgent Message from Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue

Greetings from Atlanta, Capitol of the great State of Georgia, where we are currently facing a most peculiar crisis. My constituents were highly alarmed to learn from news reports that we were being invaded by Russia. I cannot imagine what kind of madness this Vladimir Putin fellow is afflicted with to conceive of such a thing, but we Georgians, I can assure you, will not go down without a hell of a fight.

But modern warfare really has moved into the 21st century, and there are many confusing elements to my state’s unprovoked conflict with the new, unexpectedly bold Russian bear. For starters, no matter how hard we look, we can’t find any Russians. It’s not clear whether they’ve invented some newfangled cloaking technology that renders them invisible, or the Red cowards are simply hiding in underground tunnels, but so far there’s just no sign of them. Oddly, although they claim to be reporting from Georgia, there is also no sign of any national press here. However, it is possible that they are all in Bainbridge. Another mystery is that nobody seems to know where South Ossetia is. I’ve got a map of Georgia right here in front of me, and I keep staring at it like one of those Magic Eye pictures, but I just can’t find it anywhere.

Also, I want to alert the media to the fact that some impostor has duped them into thinking he runs this state. I’ve talked to everyone in Georgia’s state government, and no one has ever heard of this Mikheil Saakashvili, if that’s even a real name. In fact, I’m pretty sure there is no such thing as a “President” of Georgia. I’m surprised the national press is so easily fooled. I fear that the Russians have slipped some kind of brainwashing hallucinogen into our water supply, and are waging a perverse psychological war on the nation, convincing us we’re under attack. That or the invisibility thing.

Still, Georgia is taking no chances. We are currently rounding up all of the Russian or Russian-looking people we can find in our state and holding them in a Stuckey’s near Savannah. Thanks to the expanded police powers granted to us by President Bush, we’re going to keep interrogating them until they fess up to something. Already we have discovered that virtually all of our enemy combatant captives have been given the same cover story, a preposterous tale of another “Georgia” in the former USSR. The story remains consistent from detainee to detainee, making clear that these Reds are all in on whatever devious scheme is being implemented here. I am committed to breaking these terrorist agents by any means necessary.

But what is most troubling in the midst of this crisis is the dumbfounding lack of support from the federal government, or even our neighboring states. It is unbelievable to me that the general political consensus is that there is “not much the U.S. can do” to help Georgia. Have you all forgotten that we are a part of America, one of the original 13 colonies? I understand we have a lot of troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, but my mind reels to hear a bunch of detached pundits talk about how our military is “stretched too thin” to come to the aid of one of these United States, when it is under attack by one of our greatest historical enemies! Bush must act immediately to protect this state and nation. Again, I fear this country’s leaders must be under some devious Russian mind control.

If anyone out there is still in control of their faculties, I implore you to do what you can to convince the politicians in Washington of the severity of this situation. This strange new war must be won by the forces of freedom, or the rest of the union will fall, and soon we’ll be worshiping statues of Lenin instead of the one true God. This nation must speak with one voice, and say “nyet!” to the Evil Empire. Georgia needs your help!



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