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ISSUE #130
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Features

ArrowAN URGENT MESSAGE FROM GEORGIA GOVERNOR SONNY PERDUE
The Russians are coming!

ArrowIMPEACH OR BEHEAD?
Which should be our gooaal?
Ian Murphy

ArrowMOLDY DICK
John McCain's fraudulent legend
Allan Uthman

ArrowGROOMING THE BEAST
Professor Robin Dunbar on your primate brain and its societal limitations

ArrowA PROMOTIONAL MESSAGE FROM BLACKWATER SECURITY
Check it our, maggots!

ArrowBUSH HAD BETTER INVADE IRAN OR MY REPUTATION IS FUCKED
Seymour Hersh

ArrowTHE ABOMINABLE G-MEN
Bringing a camera to the DNC? You might be a terrorist
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowCONSPIRACY CORNER
Bruce Ivins: Patsy, madman or more?
Ian Murphy

ArrowFUCK BILL CLINTON
Seriously.
Matt Cale

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Dictatorial Facial Hair

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

The U.S. Had Better Invade Iran Soon or My Reputation is Fucked
By Seymour Hersh

As a high-profile muckraking journalist, my reputation for veracity is everything. Without a solid track record of getting things right, my audience has no reason to believe the startlingly criminal government activities I report on are actually happening. I have no reason to wish harm upon innocent Iranian civilians, and I think I’ve made clear the fact that I actually think attacking Iran would be a disastrous blunder on Bush’s part, making the invasion of Iraq seem like a minor screw-up by comparison. But at this point, considering how many explosive reports I’ve written for The New Yorker documenting nefarious White House preparations for an Iranian engagement, I have no choice but to urge the Bush administration to get on with it already.

It’s possible, I suppose, that Bush is waiting until after the election to start the bombing, during the period between when a new President is elected and his inauguration. He has spoken of “sprinting to the finish,” which may indicate a flurry of last-minute activity in his final days in the White House. On the other hand, he could be planning on beginning the attacks just before the election, in order to boost Senator McCain’s chances at election time. Whatever their reasoning is, I’m getting a bit antsy.

I think an opportune time to attack would be very soon, perhaps on the first day of the Democratic National Convention. This idea ought to appeal to Republican campaign strategists, desperate as they are to steal wind from Obama’s sails. The attacks should be spectacular enough to draw the media focus away from the DNC, as well as fully vindicate my reporting over the past year or so, ensuring major sales for my next book.

I know this may seem like a drastic course of action to recommend, but I really have no choice. Facts are facts: You can’t sell a book about a war that never happened.

I’m still pretty sure they’re going to do it, but I wish they’d get it over with. And then I think about all of the other big time journalists this White House has duped—hacks, mostly, but still, Rove is a smart guy. Could they have been feeding me bullshit through mid-level sources? These are the thoughts that wake me up at night. But nah. Not me, I’m Sy Hersh. I’m always right. And there’s still time.

You know, Ahmadinejad really is a pretty crazy guy. I mean, it’s not like this is some really great country we’re talking about. Did you know they all chant “death to America” in their mosques each morning? I mean, that’s pretty messed up. Plus they really do have a lot of oil. We could really use that stuff. And there’s those centrifuges. They have a ton of them. We can’t stand idly by while a rogue state has centrifuges, can we?

For all of these reasons, it’s imperative that the Bush administration invade Iran at their earliest convenience. Also, as I mentioned, my journalistic reputation is at stake. I’m not getting any younger, you know. It’s not like I can just go take a job at Tower Records or something.



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