Beast Banner September 2008
ISSUE #130
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Features

ArrowAN URGENT MESSAGE FROM GEORGIA GOVERNOR SONNY PERDUE
The Russians are coming!

ArrowIMPEACH OR BEHEAD?
Which should be our gooaal?
Ian Murphy

ArrowMOLDY DICK
John McCain's fraudulent legend
Allan Uthman

ArrowGROOMING THE BEAST
Professor Robin Dunbar on your primate brain and its societal limitations

ArrowA PROMOTIONAL MESSAGE FROM BLACKWATER SECURITY
Check it our, maggots!

ArrowBUSH HAD BETTER INVADE IRAN OR MY REPUTATION IS FUCKED
Seymour Hersh

ArrowTHE ABOMINABLE G-MEN
Bringing a camera to the DNC? You might be a terrorist
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowCONSPIRACY CORNER
Bruce Ivins: Patsy, madman or more?
Ian Murphy

ArrowFUCK BILL CLINTON
Seriously.
Matt Cale

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Dictatorial Facial Hair

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-Scopes
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

WHO ‘CAME’ FIRST?

men and women ARE equal

Men 'came' from women.. even jesus

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

We’re racking our brains here, but we just can’t figure out what it is you’re responding to. Not that women aren’t equal to men (barring propensity toward criminal violence), but your logic here is flawed. Men ‘came’ from monkeys too; does that make them equal?

TIPPY CANOE

I can't decide whether to praise you for the story [Ian Murphy, “Terror Alert,” issue 129] or plead with you to commit yourself for complete idiocy for going out with a canoe under those conditions, and with such a poor understanding of the currents at the mouth of the Niagra river. It's a wonder we're not reading your obituaries!

Having said that, congrats on a wonderful and insightful expose of the sham and boondoggle, totalitarian power grab and general corporate rip-off that is the "Global War on Terror".

Eric Gallion

Dear Eric,

It would have been fun to buzz the “Maid of the Mist,” on the way down, though. “Nice raincoats, dickheads!” SPLAT! There’s one for the museum displays.

DEBT THREAT

Great piece. the illogic of this terror war is frightening. I recently tried to go to Canada and was denied access as I had been arrested a few years ago for failing to show up for a restitution hearing that I didn't know about. I owed a guy $400 for an accident and they arrested me on a warrent and it cost me $14,000 dollars for bail. The court apologized but won't give me my money back. Now I am an international threat and can't get into Canada for five years! Your national security tax dollars at work.

Sam Weller

Dear Sam,

Can’t get into Canada? Sure you can! If you need a canoe, we’ve got one for sale!

LIVE & DEAD

Uh, hey dumbshit - Carlin was and continues to be a regular on HBO [Allison Kilkenny, “7 Words You’d Never Hear Today,” issue 129].

But maybe you don't get that in Loserville - er - I mean Buffalo.

Bob

Dear Bob,

Continues to be?” Just a thought, but we have a feeling his ratings will drop after the novelty of his new “lying in a crumpled heap while flies buzz around me” act wears off. But you know HBO, always giving the cutting edge a chance. Hey, we just had a great idea for a series to pitch them, entitled “Loserville.” It’s about a guy who incorrectly thinks a writer lives in Buffalo when she’s actually in New York City. It’s a little thin, but we can pad it out with a discussion about how premium cable channels are obviously allowed to show whatever the hell they want, and that it generally goes without saying that they aren’t meant to be included when people say you can’t do or say something “on television,” because they’re not subject to the same FCC regulations. Then again, that would be fairly obvious to anyone with half a brain in their head, wouldn’t it? Oh well, back to the drawing board.

CAMPAIGN BOT

McBush is the biggest flip flopper since the character created by the _Swift Boat Veterans for "Truth"_. He originally opposed indefinite detention of terrorist suspects until the Supreme Court reached the same conclusion. then he called it "one of the worst decisions in the history of this country."

McBush was also once for kicking Russia out of the G8 before he was against it.

PileofBonez

Dear Pile,

Wow! You know, we were planning on voting for McBush—oops! We meant McCain! It’s amazing how repeating that trope has tied McCain to Bush in our minds! But now that we see McCain is like Bush, it’s like a whole new world! Thanks for regurgitating at us!

IMAGINARY BEATDOWN #8,473

you know you guys are real fuckers. if i saw you out at my bar me and my biker buddies would kick you fuckin asses faggot! jager bomb yow!!!

brian Hurtubise

Dear Brian,

Yeah yeah, you and your buddies blah blah. If we had a nickel for every empty threat we’ve received, we’d put them in a sock and carry it around whenever we went to biker bars, just in case. One question, though: When you fantasize about beating up faggots, do you get an erection?

HAMMER & FICKLE

I've written in to complain before. I said you have good issues and bad issues. There have been a couple of shitty ones for a bit, not gonna lie. But this article [Allan Uthman, “Top 10 Idiocies of the General Election .. So Far,” issue 129]. Man. This is a great one. Rarely does reading such terrible news make me feel so warm and happy, but when it reaffirms my belief that I haven't gone in sane, I can't help it. It was well cited and had a whole bunch of facts I'd never heard. Even the daily show attacked General Clark for his comment. That has to be the most out of context line I've heard in months. keep up the good work.

andrew gross

Dear Andrew,

You see? We give you a good issue, and now you just want more. We don’t know why we even bother.

JEW YORKER

Bingo on lots of these points, but you are dead wrong about the New Yorker Cartoon, and I resent being cast by you as a unsubtle dolt who doesn't get satire (I have a PhD in lit and have taught courses in and on satire.)

This NYorker piece was crude and stupid: I wriote to insist that they follow the same principle which they use in their defense and show a bunch of Israelis, sitting with American Jews (they'll all have huge noses), counting their money and reading a huge tome entitled "How to take over the World." On the wall will be pictures of Hitler. Think New Yorker will ever do such a cover to mock the ugly stereotypes of Jews? Yeah, that'll happen,

So knock off this condescending "context is everything" and admit that this feeble attempt at satire from these sophisticated eastern types was complete and utter bullshit and that those who say so are hardly dimwitted dolts too unhip to understand how satire works.

george K

Dear George,

That would be pretty damned funny though, wouldn’t it? Yeah, we bet your satire courses are a friggin’ riot, though.

CATCH 73

Hey, we're forgetting that John McCain's rise to "war hero" status was based not so much on having been "shot down", but primarily on his enduring torture while being held captive for years against his will. The GOOD NEWS, Americans, IS, he really was never "tortured"!

How do we know he wasn't tortured? The President told us so! EVERYTHING that McCain endured, the US is now doing to our captives (enemy combatants) held at Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib, in off shore ships?, God only knows where else. But, our President has assurred us that "We do NOT torture"!! So, there you have it! By the President's definition, McCain was not tortured either. Oops, there goes the "war hero" status. Wait! Not having been tortured, McCain's "confession" to his captors was therefore, of his own volition, not the result of coercion..oopsy again! Could the President please elucidate us with his definition of a traitor? Thank God we'll soon know the truth!

Season

Dear Season,

This is flawless thinking. Call the DoJ and talk to Mike. He’ll certainly understand your rationale.

EMENY AMMINATION

Why in the hell do you call McCain a war hero?
If you call giving the enemy propaganda ammination, then that might be true.
The news media put this false praise on him and it is said so much that it has become a truth.
Tell it like it is. Think!
Dewey Funkhouser

Dear Dewey,

Well put!

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT

The New Yorker cover was stupid. It was obvious. It was rude. It was an insult to New Yorkers. The idea that is was somehow too hip not to offend is insulting. Some things are too not hip to be hip about. The readers of the New Yorker deserve better, expect better and demand better. If I want to watch Butthead and A**hole on MTV, I'll go there.

The accusations and character assassinations of politics are not laughable and it it is not funny getting your face rubbed into it. It is just disgusting. It makes Giuliani look almost like a family man.

No, the New Yorker was not hip. It was just dumb. It was not funny. It was just dumb. If we as New Yorkers really have sunk so low that we are no better as a city than Caddy Shack meets Animal House Sex in the City, than New York deserves to be third or fourth behind Dubai and Shanghai and Putinstan.

I am ashamed that hip has become so valley.

Isafakir

Dear Isafakir,

You do understand it’s just called “The New Yorker,” right? It’s not like some representative city publication, edited by Michael Bloomberg or something. But why argue about humor with someone who doesn’t like Caddyshack or Animal House? Maybe you really are a New Yorker reader. But no, probably not.

EGGHEAD

I want an elitist for President.

I want someone who is smarter than me for President. I actually look at the intelligence of the person running and I give high marks for intelligence. I also give even higher marks for what I call social intelligence. Basically social intelligence is the ability to get along with people and know how they will react to you actions. For an example- bombing Iran. If we bomb Iran- what will they do? They could attack Israel and kill thousands or millions, or they could take the blow and not react. People who want to bomb Iran suspect that they will do nothing. People who hesitate thenk there will be massive retaliation. This is an example of why social intelligence is so valuable for a president. Obama has it, Hillary has it, and McCain lacks it.

DrSuess

Dear Dr.,

Clearly, you are a latte-sipping, chardonnay-drinking, ivy league faculty lounge effete liberal elitist. Haven’t you seen Forrest Gump? Stupid people are naturally endowed with a magical power that enables them to know what the right thing to do is without actually thinking about it. This power is sometimes called “folk wisdom,” or “common sense,” or “alcoholic stupor.” Learning is like kryptonite to this power, and if you learn too much, you may even come to believe that it is is a myth, a figment of imagination that stupid people use to comfort themselves when confronted with complex problems that they are not equipped or inclined to fully comprehend. Obviously, you have reached that point, and can no longer be trusted to make important decisions for yourself. We suggest you seek help, perhaps by consulting with an illiterate farmer before you make any big moves. Ask him his opinion, and then have him bash you on the head with a shovel. Eventually, you’ll come to understand the power of ignorance. And probably free markets too.

MAKE THAT 12

More ridiculous moments:

1. Bush in Beijing lecturing the Chinese about human rights abuses;

2. The John Edwards debacle, where the right, the left, and damn near everyone else in between got into a time and energy-wasting debate over Mr. Edwards' private life. Only in America do we make such a big issue of our politicians having to be saintly figures. We are in love with mythology.

beautifulady2003

Dear Lady,

You just don’t get it, do you? You see, China’s violations of its people’s civil liberties are worse than ours for a simple reason: They are foreigners. It’s easy to tell, because they are wicked good at ping pong. As to Edwards, it’s important to note that his wife’s cancer was in remission, and he didn’t have sex with any foreigners.

OF SNOPES & DOPES

My sister (don't get me wrong, I love her. I just want to strangle her sometimes) keeps sending me anti-Obama stuff. I know she doesn't like the way things are going, either, but she goes to church regularly, so of course she will vote Republican like her pastor says. So she keeps sending me this crap.

Anyway, so often the stuff she sends is just sensationalized emails going around the internet that, of course, no one bothers to check. A recent one had the subject line of: OBAMA TAKES FLAGS OFF HIS PLANE!!! HOW UNAMERICAN IS HE!!!!

It started with the line: This is real! It's on SNOPES! Check it out!

So, I did. Apparently, my sister and anyone else sending that tripe around did not. According to Snopes, the Obama campaign bought the plane from American Airlines. The flags that were removed and painted over were part of the AA TRADEMARKED LOGO! You know, that thing that if he'd left it there would have left him open for lawsuits for trademark infringement? The one flag that was on the plane not part of the logo was left on.

On the other hand, Snopes had a picture of McCain's plane, as well. Guess what? No flags on his plane! I sent an email back to everyone she sent it to that said: MCCAIN HAS NO FLAGS ON HIS PLANE WHATSOEVER!!! HOW UNAMERICAN IS THAT!!!!

My first line read: This is real! It's on Snopes! Check it out! Scroll down to the picture of McCain's plane and you'll NOT SEE A SINGLE FLAG!!!!!! While you're there, read the entire article as to WHY Obama removed the American Airlines trademarked flags...

Funny, she never answered me.

I'm not that thrilled with Obama. I'm less thrilled with McCain, though, so Obama it is unless a viable 3rd party candidate comes through.

Paula H

Dear Paula,

Viable 3rd party candidate”? Why not just wait for a flying unicorn to shit diamonds all over you?

LATE ON THE DRAW

Here is an open invite.

Please come down to Camp Lejuene and tell us: Fuck the Troops.

If you have the balls to shitbird.

Gunny G

Dear Gunny,

Well, we’ve already been invited to Fort Drum, Fort Bragg, and various other locations to be beaten to death, so you’ll have to get in line. You guys really do all think alike, don’t you?

LOATHSOME HOPEFULS

please include every member of Coldplay on your "Most Loathsome 2008" list. oh and before i forget, put Brett Favre on there too. He's shaping up to take the Number One spot.

a bitter Pennsylvanian

Dear Bitter,

Singing in cheesy falsetto all the time and naming your kid Apple is pretty annoying, but wanting to make another few million dollars for throwing a ball doesn’t really sound so crazy to us.

THE REAL DEAL

pretend bad movie script:

jim, "i would like to eat crunchy things".

mary, "no".

lovingly, mary passed the yogert. jim smiles and made eye contact with mary. the same look told the dog to wiggle and eat cakey cake. the dog thought, although there is no way to verify this, 'my master is wierd.' he nibbled on the dame, but soon enough he decided the table tasted better. i left.

she stayed, and after leaving, bought a scratch off ticket that won her 50 g. i. want. my. food. unless you are an idiot, she won the money. not me, for i am a dog.

john gallivan

Dear John,

There’s nothing “pretend bad” about that at all.

FUNKYTOWN

Having only moved to Buffalo a couple months ago, I have have to ask: Why doesn't this city honor Rick James? He was a musical genius, and probably the greatest artist to ever come from Western NY. If not a statue, the city could at least name a street after him. Driving on the Rick James Expressway, imagine that!

Tim Russert will probably have both - and more - by the end of the year.

Dave Campbell

Dear Dave,

Probably something about the “burning a captive woman with a crack pipe” episode probably. But we’re with you! If an AWOL cokehead can run the country, why can’t one get a street named after him? It a hell of an idea!



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