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ISSUE #131
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Features

ArrowA DISASTROUS MESSAGE FROM ANDERSON COOPER
Live from wherever it's windy

ArrowGENERAL ELECTION: THE BOARD GAME
An extremely tedious and depressing activity for Americans from 35-73!

ArrowPALIN-DRONES
It's official: Women are idiots
Allan Uthman

ArrowCARPOCALYPSE NOW
An inebriated survey of hard-working Americans
Ian Murphy

ArrowGOD: STILL DEAD
Pharyngula's hellbound PZ Myers chats with us about religous idiocy, bigotry and other American pastimes

ArrowTHE DESKS OF IWO JIMA
An American tale from the heart of Huckabee
Clint Eastwood


ArrowBIGFOOT TAKES GOLD IN MEN'S FREESTYLE NEWS FILL
Warning: May not be true
Steve Gordon

ArrowWHY REDNECKS RULE THE WORLD
Aside from all the guns, of course
Joe Bageant

ArrowKRISTOL BALLS
Bill Kristol, revolutionary feminist
Allison Kilkenny

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Subtly Racist Contrived Voting Bloc

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowPalin-Scopes!
Your completely accurate horoscope, in the form of koans about the Alaska Governor

[sic] - Your letters

 

A Disastrous Message from Anderson Cooper

Greetings from the eye of Hurricane Lashawnda, BEAST readers! This is CNN’s Anderson Cooper! I’m soaking wet and getting blown all over the place, and I’m not even in Greenwich Village! Haha, just kidding, I’m totally into girls. I’m here in Trailer Debris, Texas, to bring you the big story—it’s really windy out here! I mean, seriously, it is really, really windy, like more windy than you ever saw! Rainy too!

Ahhhh! holy crap! I can’t believe how insanely windy it is! Was that a Chevy Suburban that just flew by? There goes a sectional couch! Oh God, here comes the hail! Dear lord, it’s the size of Coke cans! Ow, fuck!Jesus God it hurts!

Seriously, what the hell am i doing out here? Couldn’t we just put a camera out here and broadcast from the studio? What, my life doesn’t matter? I’m Anderson fucking Cooper! I’m on 60 fucking Minutes! My mother is Gloria fucking Vanderbilt! The National Weather Service said “certain death,” didn’t they? What kind of fucked up corporation sends prestigious journalists into a death trap just to get an action shot? I don’t get paid enough for this shit! Oh wait, yes I do. Still—how come Wolf never has to do this crap?

The evacuation went pretty well—nobody but me is stupid enough to be out in this shit! Well me and a few other—oh, speak of the devil—Geraldo, get out of there! I know it’s windy man, just get the hell out of my shot! Oops, there he goes. Grab onto something, dude! OH MY GOD THAT’S A BOAT, RUN!

Holy shit, that was close! One of these days, some reporter is going to get killed doing one of these stupid hurricane spots, and then maybe the media will reexamine the wisdom of placing human beings in mortal danger for no good reason but voyeurism! Ah, who am I kidding? That would just boost ratings for this kind of thing. They don’t watch NASCAR for the driving in circles, after all.

Anyhow, I wanted to remind you all that bad weather is a super-important story that must be given around-the-clock blanket coverage, regardless of how many thousands of miles away from it you happen to be. You think contrived wars, economic collapse and rampant corruption are important? Are you people even listening to me? It’s windy in Texas! Water is falling from the sky! We have Doppler radar maps! So, summing up: If you don’t watch incessant hurricane coverage, you are a bad Ameri—OOOF! Jesus, right in the nuts that time! That was a wrench I think! Oh God, I’m gonna puke! This is serious journalism! Anderson Cooper here, signing off...BLEEARGH!



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