Beast Banner October 2008
ISSUE #131
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Features

ArrowA DISASTROUS MESSAGE FROM ANDERSON COOPER
Live from wherever it's windy

ArrowGENERAL ELECTION: THE BOARD GAME
An extremely tedious and depressing activity for Americans from 35-73!

ArrowPALIN-DRONES
It's official: Women are idiots
Allan Uthman

ArrowCARPOCALYPSE NOW
An inebriated survey of hard-working Americans
Ian Murphy

ArrowGOD: STILL DEAD
Pharyngula's hellbound PZ Myers chats with us about religous idiocy, bigotry and other American pastimes

ArrowTHE DESKS OF IWO JIMA
An American tale from the heart of Huckabee
Clint Eastwood


ArrowBIGFOOT TAKES GOLD IN MEN'S FREESTYLE NEWS FILL
Warning: May not be true
Steve Gordon

ArrowWHY REDNECKS RULE THE WORLD
Aside from all the guns, of course
Joe Bageant

ArrowKRISTOL BALLS
Bill Kristol, revolutionary feminist
Allison Kilkenny

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Subtly Racist Contrived Voting Bloc

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowPalin-Scopes!
Your completely accurate horoscope, in the form of koans about the Alaska Governor

[sic] - Your letters

 

THE BEAST PAGE 5 SUBTLY RACIST CONTRIVED VOTING BLOC

Name: Hockey mom

Turn-ons: NASCAR dads, hardworking middle class blue collar workers, low information voters, serving as a euphemistic way to say “white women”

Turn-offs: Welfare queens, liberal elites, basketball moms, uppity types in general

How I got to be The BEAST Page 5 Subtly Racist Contrived Voting Bloc: Well, “soccer moms” is just so... cosmopolitan, you know? I bet they stop at Starbucks for a latte on the way to practice. And soccer is so European, it just doesn’t appeal to the lowbrow Aryan vote. And, you know, probably, little league baseball or football is more common, but, well, if “white” is the underlying message, you gotta go with hockey. I mean, its perfect: poor people can’t afford the equipment, and what are there, like one or two pro black hockey players you ever heard of? The message is there, in the background, without ever being fully recognized in your conscious mind. But think about all of the accoutrements that go with me: Kids, free time, disposable income, family cars, suburban, single-income homes, stable marriages—oh, and whiteness.

Future Plans: I’m hoping that participation in little league hockey will increase sharply in the coming year, as vacuous suburban mothers force their sons on the rink just so they, too, can claim my mantle. Also, I’ll probably be revealed by one or two commentators to be a subtly racist dog whistle soon after the election, but until then I’m safe as milk—which is also white.

How I’d like to be remembered: That’s a tough one. I guess in part, I’d like people to remember how eager white mothers were to define themselves by their children’s hobbies, and enjoyed being compared to bloodthirsty attack dogs, which is somewhat disturbing. Also, there’s the fact that all of these mothers are happily encouraging their sons to excel at a gruesomely violent sport in which everyone eventually loses their front teeth, due to flying hard-rubber disks, large wooden sticks, and routine bare-knuckle fistfights. But at least they’re not mingling with that...bad element, if you catch my snowdrift.



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