Our stomach growl in anticipation of your generosity.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

When you’re shooting wolves in the clear from an airplane, can you really call it hunting? I mean at least the kids at Tiananmen had each other’s bodies to hide behind.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

If your town is the only one in your state that charges rape victims for their rape kits, and you’re the mayor for four years, and then the state has to pass a law to make you stop doing it, does that make you a feminist?

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

If you lie about your position on earmarks, and the press calls you out repeatedly on it, but you continue to tell the very same lie in precisely the same way every single day, do you have a soul?

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

If you believe in creationism, the rapture, speaking in tongues and pipelines from God, does that make you normal?

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

If an investigation into your illegal firing of an underling is “tainted” because one of the investigators supports your electoral opponents, wouldn’t it also be “tainted” if he supported you?

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)

If a woman votes for you, despite the fact that she disagrees with virtually everything you believe in, just to punish a better man for succeeding, does that make her empowered?

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

If you say everyone who criticizes you is a sexist, does that make you a pussy?

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

If educated people think you’re stupid, does that make you smart?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If you’re the governor of a frontier state over twice the size of Texas, shouldn’t you really have an airplane?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

If you quote an author in your only speech, and he turns out to have been so virulently anti-Semitic that he was kicked out of the John Birch society, does that make you authentic?

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

If you charge your state a per diem fee for every day you sleep in your own home, does that make you a fiscal reformer?

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

If you ask a librarian how she’d feel about banning books, and she says no way, and then you fire her, only rehiring her after public outrage makes it clear you can’t win the battle, that fucking counts for something, doesn't it?