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A FRIENDLY WARNING FROM THE AMERICAN DOLLAR
What’s that story about the guy they said was dead, and then he wasn’t, and he said something like people been rumoring about his demise and talking shit and all that? That’s the same thing you foreign currencies have been saying about me, the U.S. Dollar. Well, they were wrong and so are you and I’m not going to forget it. The U.S. Dollar is back, bigger, better and here to stay.
I heard what all you foreign currencies were saying that about me. For the past few months you were all against me, saying “The dollar ain’t shit” and “I can’t wait till it goes lower so I can buy all the Americans’ shit.” You saw your currencies going up against me and you thought that it was the way of the future, talking about me behind my back and saying things like, “Look at the Dollar, he looks awful.” “He’s really let himself go.” “I hear his allies been cheating on him.” “What a shame. I used to like the Dollar but now he’s so scrawny and weak.” You were all whispering that “The Euro is so much more handsome and thoughtful; I just don’t know what I saw in the Dollar.” “The USD is so last century; I don’t know what we’re going to do with him.” “We kept telling him that if he didn’t watch himself, this was going to happen, but know he just couldn’t control himself.” Well guess what? I’m back bitches, and you better recognize.
I know I got a little fat. My interest rates were low and I just kept giving myself away to anyone that asked. I got used to buying too many big houses, too many gas guzzling SUVs and pick-up trucks. My peeps are human; who doesn’t like that shit? They used me to buy all kinds of military gear to use in places like Iraq, Bosnia, Afghanistan and Iraq again. They were also sending a bunch of Dollars to Israel and Turkey to help them buy guns from my military. I was used to suck so many consumer goods from China that the Chinese actually thought they were going to own us. Things started to go bad, and y’all thought that you were better than me. Then something strange happened: Y’all started to go bad too, and even if it was my overindulgence that caused your currencies to suffer, the fact is that yours started to fall and mine to rise. Ha! USA! USA! USA!
So what’ve you got to say now, Monsieur Euro? Yeah, you thought you were the next big thing when it cost Americans about $1.60 to buy one of your fancy-looking modern Euros. Ooh la la, we’re soooo cool. Now look at you. I can buy you for only about a $1.30, and next week it will be lower—if you live. Remember when all those ugly Americans used to be crawling all over your faggy cities and buying your shit up? They be back, bitch! What?
What about you, British Pound? Remember when you were acting all prim and proper and going around with your stiff upper lip and looking down on the me, saying cheerio and ta ta and eating crumpets like the smart-ass pansy you are? You were all bangers and mash, give me a spanner, toss it in the bin, close the bonnet and footballs are round. You thought you were so posh with your Pound costing $2. Now look at you, you’re less than a buck seventy now, and you’re all “Sorry about that old chap” and shit, but it’s not going to be that easy.
What about my friend the Australian Dollar? It used to be that would cost an American almost a whole U.S. dollar to buy one Aussie buck. Now it’s only .68 for your down under bill. That wouldn’t even get y’all one shrimp for the barbie!
Canada, five months ago you were all like “Look at me, eh, I’m worth the same as the Dollar, that means I’m like really cool and stuff.” Now look at you, you are only worth around $.80, you measly hoser. How much for Canadian bacon?
Remember when you Mexican Pesos were like “Yo essay, me vatos only gonna pay 10 pesos for one of your stinking American dollars.” No guess what homey? It’s going to cost you thirteen of your measly pesos to buy one of my dollars. Habla poverty, holmes?
You call center bitches in India were all, “Tom Friedman would be being so proud because the Rupee is so strong it is only taking 40 Rupees to be buying a yanqui Dollar!” Well, now look at it Hadji; it’s going to cost you 50 Rupees now. Thank you, come again!
Did y’all bitches really all think it was goinna be that easy getting rid of me? Bullshit walks and money talks baby. And you know what talks louder than money? Guns and bullets! We’re not worried about all this financial gloom and doom and “what are the markets going to do” and “who’s going to lend money to us” and all that. We still have a military that is bigger and better-equipped than all y’all motherfucking nations put together. If we have to, we’ll just take your shit and not pay you anything for it. Yeah, you heard. But for now you’re going to do what you’re told and respect me, the American motherfucking Dollar, and that’s the way it better stay. Or Else! Aww yeah, end transmission, moterfuckers! Dollar out!
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