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FOR THE POCKETBOOK
By SADDY McFORLORN
name is Saddy McForlorn, and I have suffered from Global Depression, or GD,
my entire life. Global Depression is a real condition, often resulting from
unchecked episodes of Market Despair or Economic Panic Attacks. This illness
can affect as many as 7 billion people—that’s a lot of people!
Does your entire planet:
If you said “yes” to any of these things, then you may be dealing
with a case of GD.
Cable TV – A steady intake of puppy-themed Animal Planet programming boosts unguarded happiness levels in your brain, and celebrity-based entertainment is a completely acceptable means for projecting your insecurities onto others. Unfortunately, Cable TV is a short-term treatment option. Given the nature of GD episodes, the screen will inevitably go blank, reciprocating your gaze with a menacing black stare, instilling in you an unprecedented horror that…well, you’ll have to kill them all.
Free Drugs – Feeling down? Take a slug of hose water. Feeling up? Take a slug of hose water. A recent report by the Associated Press found that the drinking water of at least 24 American metropolitan areas is contaminated with trace amounts of common pharmaceuticals. Keep drinking from the tap, and sooner or later you’ll get just what you need. This has a double positive effect in that it alleviates the incredible, crippling shame associated with getting caught drinking from your neighbor’s hose.
Irresponsible Hyperconsumption – For decades, you have thrived in a culture that consumes products and services with no conception of what it took to procure them. You’ve completely replaced your social contracts with slobbish entitlement. If you slow down, the sidewalk cracks, and GD’s rhizomes branch up at you. So keep consuming. You can’t stop now. Even if you run out of money, just get easy credit and buy a new house or something to keep the sidewalk together a little longer. This is a time-tested treatment option that has absolutely no fatalistic components.
Suicide – Suicide is like a friend, only it’s always there for you. Plus, you’ll produce valuable scraps for neighborhood kids.
By combining the latest treatment methods and knowledge about how this disorder works, we are now better equipped to deal with GD than ever before. Often the best remedy, however, is prevention. It’s like that old saying: “Kill a bird. With a stone nonetheless.”
You can do the following to help prevent a GD epidemic:
Nothing. Wait…you’re a person, right? Yeah, nothing.
send your ill-informed ravings to us here
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