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THE BEAST PAGE 5 DEMAGOGIC STOOGE

Name: Samuel Wurzelbacher AKA “Joe the Plumber”

Turn-ons: Imaginary financial success, tribal identification, having my back taxes paid by dummies, Japanese bukakke porn.

Turn-offs: Blacks, Mexicans, gays, women, acknowledging my true tax bracket.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 5 Demagogic Stooge: So this guy from the McCain campaign, kind of a fag, really, says, “Hey buddy, want to make some money?” His suit was pretty expensive, and I think I saw him on O’Reilly once, so I’m like, “Sure.” So he gives me this script and tells me to go harass that Hussein Osama guy and I’m like, “Dude, I was totally gonna do that anyway.” Next thing I know, McCain’s calling me “Joe the Plumber” every two minutes, and there’s a press gaggle on my front lawn. Jerk-offs all over the country are waving plungers around yelling “I’m Joe the plumber” and shit. It’s pretty fucking stupid, but hey, I’m all famous and shit, so whatever. These douchebags who listen to some talk radio show even donated cash to pay all the taxes I haven’t paid! Sweet, right? That’s not welfare, though, because I’m not a minority. I’m just doing my part to keep real Americans—uneducated whites—from voting in their economic self-interests. Obama’s a socialist. McCain’s a socialist too, but he’s not a fancypants who makes me sexually insecure, so he’s my guy. You’re all socialists, actually. I don’t like taxes!

Future Plans: I’m gonna write a book—well, OK, have a book written for me—and cash the fuck in on this shit. Then I’m gonna be getting laid as much as possible for the next few years. Then I’ll probably go to jail for not paying my taxes. What can I say? I’m just a patriot.

How I’d like to be remembered: As the best socially acceptable way for the McCain campaign to say “White people work hard so black people can laze around, have babies and do drugs,” without actually saying it. I’m just glad to help.