Beast Banner November 2008
ISSUE #132
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Features

ArrowA FRIENDLY WARNING FROM THE AMERICAN DOLLAR
Don't call it a comeback

ArrowLET'S GET SOCIAL
Americans prefer to hang separately

Allan Uthman

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part one of a series
John Dolan

ArrowCROCK THE VOTE
A disturbing chat with BRAD FRIEDMAN about real election fraud and fake election fraud

ArrowARE YOU A REAL AMERICAN?
Take our quiz and find out!

ArrowPROZAC FOR THE POCKETBOOK
Coping with Global Depression
Saddy McForlorn

ArrowBROKER ENGLISH
The only language we know
Joe Bageant

ArrowTHE REPUBLICAN BASE: STUPID PEOPLE
A most powerful voting bloc
Erich Shulte

ArrowKEEP HOPE ALIVE... LITERALLY
Keep your fingers crossed
Scott Thill

ArrowSAVE OUR CEOS
Super-wealthy threatened by mere opulence
Rich Herschlag

ArrowBOSTON TEA PARTY 2008
This time, it's impossible
Allison Kilkenny

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Pedagogic Stooge

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowFreeper-Scopes!
Your completely accurate horoscope, expressed cryptically by the stupidest, most dangerously hateful & bigoted conservatives on the internet!

[sic] - Your letters

 

BUMMER READING

Senior McCain Advisor Greg Strimple, says the campaign seeks to “turn the page on this financial crisis” and instead, talk about Obama’s liberal record.

Does McCain really believe we Americans are suddenly free to “turn the page,” away from the economy and go on to something else? Does he believe a real solution to the financial crisis has been set in motion, and can run on autopilot? What has American done so far to fix this? We’ve collectively written a check for the largest sum of money ever allocated at one time, ever, on Earth. Right now, we should be reflecting on how we’ve come to owe such a gigantic sum. Of course, if we did that, we’d see McCain’s fingerprints all over this thing. Google the names “Phil Gramm” and “Keating 5” and you’ll see why McCain would much rather talk about Obama’s liberalism than our economy.
Mike Corban

Dear Mike,
Well, you’ve got to put things in perspective. Sure, the global economy is collapsing, due to the disastrous, lawless policies of corrupt Republican leaders, but Barack Obama worked briefly with an old ‘60s radical, who was named man of the year by the city of Chicago in 1987! Can we really trust Obama, or anyone else from Chicago for that matter? You see what we’re saying here, right? We’re saying stuff that’s not about the economy, Page turned, biatch!

THE MAD BROWSER

i’m a buffalo, ny transplant stuck in the corporate suckhole of dalls, tx and i just wanted pass on some love to you folks at the beast. the beast makes me even prouder to be from buffalo. there are a lot of rednecks here in dallas, and i work with, and sadly - for them. they are all now getting a healthy dose of the beast at work cuz i keep changing the homepages on their pc’s to the beast. i guess it’s a lame attempt at getting fired so i can justify my impending move back to buffalo. anyway, let there be retards is a great article and i laughed my ass off reading it. keep up the good work kids - and i will keep up the sabotage at work. long live the beast!
Patrick P

Dear Patrick,
Whoah! You’re a rebel, man. We hope The Man doesn’t tag you with a tracking cookie! Stay safe, brother!

SORRY, WOMEN

Alan - the content of your article is mostly interesting but the premise is not based in reality [Allan Uthman, “Palin-Drones,” issue 131]. White women are not cleaving to Gov. Palin. In fact, they are far less inclined to Palin than white men. So who are the idiots?
Maezeppa

Dear Maezeppa,
To be fair, the piece made more sense when it was written, as Palin’s selection led to a spike in support for McCain among white women, than it did a couple of weeks later, when those women apparently learned what a troglodyte Palin is. So, are women idiots? Well, of course they are. But so is pretty much everyone, especially men. Was Uthman’s article hyperbolic and unfair? We’re going to say no, but keep in mind that he’s watching us write this
.

MAILIN’ DRONE

not all women are weak-minded fools, but the women who’ll be voting for the Shrieking Cow just because she’s a woman will be.And they’ll be doing so in spite of the fact that Hillary herself, whom such women claim to worship, specifically asked them not to.

The Shrieking Cow opposes everything that would give women any independence or quality of life.What else would you call women who vote for her but fools and idiots?

But that’s not most of them, the majority of Hillary supporters will go ahead and vote for Obama.
MizzGrizz

Dear Mizz,
Well, sure, but what kind of outraged, over the top, instantly out of date opinion piece could we write about that?


PAGING BO DEREK

I’m a woman, and I gave this article a “10”

Any woman who votes for the Palin ticket is a damned fool.

As for the argument that they may vote for her out of sympathy, thus screwing this country and the world for good, that’s just another way of saying, STUPID.
redrosa

Dear redrosa,
Another way of saying stupid? Maverick.

LADY DE REDNECK

As An Example, take Lyn Forester, aka Lady de Rothschild. She had been a Hillary supporter, but is now a McSame supporter, and she is calling Obama an “elitist.” She is exactly the type of idiot that Uthman is talking about. (Note: the word idiot comes from a Greek word meaning someone who is coarse, unskilled, and ignorant -- not mentally challenged or retarded. I’m using the word in the original context.)

No, of course not all women are “idiots.” But there are just enough of them to hand McSame the presidency.

By the way, just where is Hillary anyway? Probably hiding out and waiting for another chance in 2012.
Juan Largo

Dear Juan,
Actually Clinton is on the stump for Obama. Your letter has become incorrect through the passage of time. Now you know how Uthman feels.

THE FINE-ASS SOLUTION

I hadn’t seen polling but if the white women thing is correct, perhaps one could generalize it as a statistical failing in crackers in general.

It’s a statistical fact that white men overwhelmingly vote fascist, this election being no different. If white women will vote for whichever woman is running, regardless of how many horns or tails she has, that would make pigment the common denominator of the ‘stupid’ demographic.

good to know.

To the asians, meskins and blacks, please keep fucking so that soon y’all will be the majority demographic and get us crackers out of this fine mess we’ve made.
jtree

Dear jtree,
Your plan is sound, but it would work a lot faster if the minorities exclusively fuck white people. It’s genius, actually. Get to work, minorities!

SARCAST[sic]

Oh my gosh, I’m so glad that someone of such high intelligence has finally announced that it is official that women are stupid. I don’t know why we all waste our time, trying to separate out the ones who aren’t, since there really aren’t any that are not, right? And, so, logically, it would follow, that all men are geniuses, even the ones who were going to vote for Hillary, and now who have decided to vote for Palin since Hillary’s off the ticket. And of course, we must include the ones in the high superior IQ range who vote for Palin because she’s hot and shoots guns. Did I get it right? I know, I’m a woman, so it’s a given that I’m not the brightest bulb, but this is what I have gleaned from your fine, nuanced, spot on article. Thank you so much, Allan, for having the courage to speak the truth for all of us. I am humbled by your superior intellect and laser-like perception.
Lorib

Dear Lorib,
Thanks! But to be honest, Uthman didn’t really mean all women are idiots. Just you!

SOMETHING IN OUR EYES

Oh, bullshit.

It’s official: PEOPLE are idiots.

Women, on the other hand, have voted for the Democrats in greater percentages than MEN for HOW many of the past HOW many elections?

Take your pseudo-analysis and shove it up your urethra.

Okay, seriously -- I GET your feelings, but you shot from the hip, you DIDN’T consider just how MUCH of the media hype you yourself were swallowing whole (those “Hillary voters” who’ve swung to Palin? Not Democrats. Not really HILLARY voters at all. Fuckin’ moles. You BOUGHT the fuckin’ Republican propaganda. Seriously? You’re THAT gullible? Have you HEARD any of these women TALK about this? Those aren’t fuckin’ Democrats. Those are Hannity camp followers).

I’m not going to eviscerate your essay point by point because it’s beneath my dignity and because it would probably make you cry like a little girl.

Go back and try again. But leave in the part about Frankenstein -- that was priceless.
Maryscott OConnor

Dear Maryscott,
(Sniffle, sob)... You really mean it?

BRAIN SURGIN’

Watching the debate drunk

The surge worked! The surge werked!!! Suuuurge! SUUUUUUUURRRRRRGE!!!!

oh fuck yeah, that was good.
Isaac Hathaway

Dear Isaac,
One surge may be enough for you, but think of poor John McCain! He needs multiple surges! Surges for everything! Afghanistan? Surge! Economy? Surge! Green energy? Surge! Tall, blonde lobbyists? Viagra, then surge!

You need to be less selfish if you’re going to satisfy the needs of a maverick surger like Big John the Surgin’ Senator, Isaac. Unless you love terrorists, that is.


HEEDLESS FORCEMAN

I wrote in some time ago about the possibility of including a music review. While it has been nice to see some included, I have to wonder why the space is wasted on stuff like the Jonas Brothers (697 words was it?). Few people reading the Beast need reminding that the Jonas Brothers are bad. Making fun of them isn’t even really that funny. It’s like someone who rips on the really religious, awkward nerd so kids cooler than you will think you, too, are cool. You could at least review something you have listened to that you may think a reader should listen to. Or perhaps you could point out something not worth listening to that may, at a glance, seem appealing.

At least you haven’t gone the route of the trailer critic and reviewed only itunes samples.

Meet my demands and receive a donation.

Which reminds me, I have one more demand: Interview a religious leader. There is always one of them that thinks they can change peoples’ minds. While you won’t change his (won’t be a her) mind, it would likely be funny. The other interviews are great, but they are quite predictable. It would be fun to see some of the answers you would get.

You may think it is unreasonable for a customer who reads your work often for free to make demands. If so, you’re wrong.
Adam

Dear Adam,
Your suggestions are not without merit, and your audacity is endearing. But we’re still just going to ignore you if that’s all right.

LET THERE BE PAMPHLETS

I got here via Pharyngula and I have to say that Dudes, you are totally awesome. My belly is aching from laughing out so much.

I particularly enjoyed reading about “Asperger’s syndrome by proxy”. [Ian Murphy, “Let There be Retards,” issue 117]

The “Xenu and You” pamphlet was also hilarious [Ian Murphy, “Cult Classic,” issue 110]. You should expand it into Chick like tracts to be distributed to at ‘Anonymous’ protest rallies.
Stagyar zil Doggo

Dear Stagyar,
There’s no way we could compete with Jack Chick. That guy is hilarious.

FTT? WTF?

Dear Beast,
So I’ve been looking around seeing whos been giving you guys shit about that article [Ian Murphy, “Fuck the Troops,” issue 126], and I gotta say I am not impressed. You guys have been getting death threats only by the Republicans? Aren’t they supposed to disagree with you guys on anything on principle (even if it means they continue on living)? When I first saw the title of that article I was all like “Oh shit, this is when the liberals finally have enough of the Beast’s shit. But alas I was proven wrong.

Dissapointed,
Josh

P.S. Goddamit McCain his stupid. His “oooo I’ll pick a woman for a VP, that way all the Hilary fans will vote for me,” yea...that would work, if election day was the next day.

Dear Josh,
Well, not all of the death threats contained much political content. There were at least a couple that could have been liberals, albeit gun-toting ones. But most of the liberals around here have long since had enough of us, because we make fun of people, which is like some kind of war crime to the humorless twats.

LOATHSOMELY LATE

You guys just absolutely killed me. I have tears of joy streaming down my cheeks and a sore stomach from laughing my ass off. HILARIOUS. I’m going to check out the other years now. When does 2008 come out? I will also check the rest of your website and I’ll probably get a subscription. Or at least donate to ensure more of the good stuff.
Tom

Dear Tom,
It’s a quandary, to be sure: When should we put out our year-end list for 2008? Should we have released it in the spring, to get a jump on other periodicals? Or as a breezy summer beach read? Marketing science dictates that a new product roll-out is best initiated in the fall, should we have put out our synopsis of the year in review then? So many options! We’re going to have to get back to you, man—this isn’t an easy decision.

THE OVER-PUNCTUATOR

Are you fucking kidding me?????????????? Your political views are what?????? Ever been to another country that had a press 1 (not nine you fucking moron) for spanish? Ever been to a country were you can migrate and get benifits like an instant income, free school and a roof over your head because your from another country? Well i have been to alot of countrys that are very very racist if your not that race.But you are right the founding fore fathers had horrible ideas about building a nation, if your a britt. FUCK OFF AND EAT MY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dan

Dear Dan,
You are a very stupid person. Sorry about that. Thanks for writing.

IMPOSTOR

Greetings. Looks like the “The Beast” has inspired a new level of hackdom at the thedailybeast.com. There are a few visual similarities with “The Beast” too. However, the contents suck major shit with their feeble political coverage and a syphilitic dose of celebrity coverage. Congratulations, though. Tina Brown is the hack that showed you her love.
Eddie

Dear Eddie,
That’s not all she showed us... she also showed us she has a limited understanding of the internet. Why, what were you thinking?



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