THE *TRUTH* ABOUT BARACK OBAMA
COMING SOON TO AN INBOX NEAR YOU

By ERIC LINGENFELTER

Even though he’s been all over the media for the entirety of the longest presidential campaign in American history, and even though he’s had tenacious news goons going over every aspect of his life with a comb so fine-toothed that it could part the leg hairs on a housefly to find something, anything about the brown guy with the funny name who wants to send his Negro ninjas into our houses while we sleep to silently steal our guns so that he can incinerate them with the fire breath that he got by pledging his soul to Allah in exchange for magical terrorist anti-Christ powers, powers that he will one day use to fly up to Heaven and re-crucify Jesus, do we really know that much about our new Fearless Leader, President-Elect Barack HUSSEIN Obama?

No. We do not. Or at least we didn’t until now. My crack team of undercover sources has unearthed a wealth of disturbing information about Barack HUSSEIN Obama that those lowdown liberal liars in the loony left-wing landscape that is the mainstream media fought tooth and nail to keep on the downlow until their boy Big Barry O. could set up shop at Pennsylvania Ave. Those elitist bullies almost got away with it, too, but it turns out that The Truth can’t be held at arm’s length forever. Eventually, The Truth gets tired of wildly swinging its arms in a futile attempt to strike back at its tormentor for stealing its lunch money, so it runs off crying to the nearest teacher, who takes pity on it and calls the bully’s parents to make sure they give that little hellion the discipline that he deserves.

Friends, The Truth came running to us! We are that teacher! You are that bully’s parents! And soon, the MSM will be so grounded.

Now strap on your tin-foil hats, ’cause we’re through the looking glass, people! This is the truth about Barack HUSSEIN Obama:

• Barack HUSSEIN Obama thinks O.J. is innocent.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama doesn’t understand all of the hatred for Jar Jar Binks.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama thinks “The Simpsons” is better than ever.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama thinks Donnie Darko is too arty.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama has seen Rocky Horror 527 times.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama thinks that Will Ferrell is the funniest man alive.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama liked “The X Files“ better without Mulder.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama thinks Rachael Ray is hot.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama reads Playboy for the articles.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama wants his MTV.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama loves the ‘80s.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama killed the radio star.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama’s best move on the dance floor is the Cabbage Patch.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama yells “FREEBIRD!” in between songs.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama still taunts Buffalo Bills fans by saying “BOY I LOVE LOSING SUPERBOWLS!”
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama was so wasted last night.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama thinks it’s OK to talk with your mouth full if you just push all of the chewed up food into one of your cheeks.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama doesn’t know to take the corn husk off of his tamale.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama eats his fries with mayonnaise.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama preferred the New Coke.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama has had a piece of corn stuck between his two front teeth, like, all day.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama drinks milk out of the carton with cookies in his mouth.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama wipes his mouth with his forearms when he eats.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama doesn’t rinse the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama puts the ice cube tray back in the freezer when there’s only one cube left.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama has never put down the toilet seat.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama wipes from back to front.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama hangs his toilet paper so it rolls out from the back.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama frequently brings 8 to 10 items through the 7 items or less lane.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama is not kind; he does not rewind.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama tips with change.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama gives pennies to trick-or-treaters instead of candy.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama just wants to be friends.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama refers to Target as “TAR-ZHAY.”
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama says “irregardless.”
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama calls Asians “Orientals.”
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama nags you even though he knows you aren’t listening.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama never graded his students on a curve because if Kevin here aced the test, then it couldn’t have been that hard.
• Barack HUSSEIN Obama is a great orator. Just like Hitler.

So you can suck my red, white and blue balls, Osama! (Oops! I meant to say Obama! HAHAHAHA!) The truth is out there! God bless the Real America!