Even though he’s been all over the media for the entirety of the longest presidential campaign in American history, and even though he’s had tenacious news goons going over every aspect of his life with a comb so fine-toothed that it could part the leg hairs on a housefly to find something, anything about the brown guy with the funny name who wants to send his Negro ninjas into our houses while we sleep to silently steal our guns so that he can incinerate them with the fire breath that he got by pledging his soul to Allah in exchange for magical terrorist anti-Christ powers, powers that he will one day use to fly up to Heaven and re-crucify Jesus, do we really know that much about our new Fearless Leader, President-Elect Barack HUSSEIN Obama?

No. We do not. Or at least we didn’t until now. My crack team of undercover sources has unearthed a wealth of disturbing information about Barack HUSSEIN Obama that those lowdown liberal liars in the loony left-wing landscape that is the mainstream media fought tooth and nail to keep on the downlow until their boy Big Barry O. could set up shop at Pennsylvania Ave. Those elitist bullies almost got away with it, too, but it turns out that The Truth can’t be held at arm’s length forever. Eventually, The Truth gets tired of wildly swinging its arms in a futile attempt to strike back at its tormentor for stealing its lunch money, so it runs off crying to the nearest teacher, who takes pity on it and calls the bully’s parents to make sure they give that little hellion the discipline that he deserves.

Friends, The Truth came running to us! We are that teacher! You are that bully’s parents! And soon, the MSM will be so grounded.

Now strap on your tin-foil hats, ’cause we’re through the looking glass, people! This is the truth about Barack HUSSEIN Obama:

So you can suck my red, white and blue balls, Osama! (Oops! I meant to say Obama! HAHAHAHA!) The truth is out there! God bless the Real America!