Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

The next time you leave a note on someone’s car calling them “ignorant” for parking legally in front of your house, remember that that person now knows where you live. Enjoy your mailbox full of catshit.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

I know you don’t mean to call things “gay” when you find them lame or crappy, but it’s a longstanding habit that you can’t seem to break. One way of diffusing tension the next time you commit this embarrassing gaffe is to immediately have public gay sex.

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)

I have a special mission for you this month: Kill Joe Scarborough. Okay, don’t kill him. Just kick the living shit out of that motherfucker for me, okay? I’ll put in a good word for you at Armageddon.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You know what a Credit Default Swap is? It’s a bet. It’s a bet on whether a bond—a bond neither you nor the other bettor own—will default. It’s exactly like betting on sports, except it’s legal, regulating it is illegal, there’s about $70 trillion tied up in it, and it’s going to ruin the world. Just be glad you’re already poor.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

You’re not suffering from amnesia. You just haven’t really done anything.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Here’s a tip: When you use the phrase, “Can you say [blank]?” in a sardonic way, you’re not being witty; you’re being despised by all who can hear you.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

When aliens discover our long-extinct civilization, it is unlikely that they will conclude we didn’t make enough films about farcical wedding hijinks.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

Can you believe they made a movie called Godzilla vs. King Kong? I mean, Godzilla breathes radioactive fire! How long does that fight last? 20, 30 seconds?

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

I have news for you: Green technology will not save the economy, as no one will be able to afford it.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

Did you know that George W. Bush’s presidential approval ratings were once at 90%? It just goes to prove my theory: 9 out of 10 people are too stupid to live

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

I just saw this “Star Trek: Enterprise” epsiode that ended with Scott Bakula deciding that it would be the right thing to do to deprive a planet full of dying people of a cure for their epidemic, committing negligent genocide,  because it would be wrong to interfere with the predestined course of evolution. That’s not how evolution works, and whoever writes this crap is an idiot. The Vulcan chick is slammin’, though.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Seriously, Scott Bakula? You put together a new Star Trek franchise, and for the captain, you go with the guy from Quantum Leap? He’s got one facial expression. It’s like watching George Bush destroy the future. Again.