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ISSUE #135
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If socialists are going to take your money, it might as well be us.

Features

ArrowTHE BEAST ENLISTS THE GHOST OF SLAIN BLACK PANTHER LEADER FRED HAMPTON TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE LACK OF A FEBRUARY 2009 ISSUE
Hampton comes alive!

ArrowTHE IDIOT MACHINE
Author attempts to hold Bush crony accountable, winds up covered in poop
Ian Murphy

ArrowDESPERATE BUT NOT SERIOUS
No relief from Republican math
Allan Uthman

ArrowA CONVERSATION WITH THE 10 TRILLION ROBOTS THAT ARE CALLED DR. DANIEL DENNETT
Reknowned atheist prof. deigns to speak to The BEAST

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part IV: Every Flake a $20 Bill
John Dolan

ArrowBOUGHT, FAT & LAUDED
Someone stop Tom Friedman before he types again
Matt Taibbi

ArrowGOD HATES PHELPS
WNY to Westboro weirdoes: Talk to the hand
Ian Murphy

ArrowAIR FORCE DUMB
Chemtrails: The nonexistent killer
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowCELEBRITY POP QUIZ!
Paul Craig Roberts fails to apply himself

ArrowEXTREME MAKEOVER: GITMO EDITION
Improving our nation's curb appeal

ArrowASK MUZZAMIL HASSAN
Relationship advice from the founder of Bridges TV

ArrowGOP CHAIRMAN CALLS OBAMA SPEECH 'WIGGIDY-WHACK'
Rap battle threatened
Josh Righter

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
One-armed midget

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-SCOPES!
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

The BEAST CELEBRITY POP QUIZ!

PAUL CRAIG ROBERTS fails to apply himself


NAME: Paul Craig Roberts

BIO: Assistant Treasury Secretary under Reagan. The “Father of Reaganomics.” Former editor of The Wall Street Journal and Business Week. Now a 9-11 Truth moonbat. A weird guy.

MULTIPLE CHOICE (1 point)

Complete the following sentences:

1) Regarding the economic stimulus package...

a) I think it’s totally awesome.

b) I don’t approve of the shameful pork-barrel spending and handouts to Hollywood elitists.

c) I fear that it’s a socialist coup.

d) I think 9-11 was an inside job.

e) [other]. (Please explain.)

 

e)  I do not see where the administration has given any thought as to how they will finance the massive budget deficit.


 

2) Repairing existing infrastructure and creating new, green infrastructure...

a) will create jobs, stimulate demand, and is a long term investment in America’s economic future.

b) shouldn’t be bundled with a short-term stimulus package.

c) is empty claptrap from Keynesian fools!

d) will only reinforce the myth of global warming.

e) [other]. (Please explain.)

 

e)  Much of US infrastructure needs renewing. However, infrastructure projects do not produce goods and services that can be sold abroad to reduce the US trade deficit.


3) The investments in infrastructure, education and social security of FDR’s New Deal...

a) brought with them a new prosperity and raised the living standard in America.

b) were OK, I guess, or whatever.

c) did nothing to help the economy; WWII was the real economic engine!

d) was Big Government at its worst; people should build their own hydroelectric power plants!

e) [other]. (Please explain in terms Michael Steele would like.)

 

e)  Infrastructure projects do not produce ongoing jobs. Once the projects are completed, the jobs end.


4) Problems in the housing market should be addressed...

a) ...by giving money to lenders.

b) ...by giving tax breaks to home owners.

c) ...freezing mortgage foreclosures and adjusting rates accordingly on an individual basis.

d) …with an unprovoked  invasion of a small and defenseless nation.

e) [other]. (Please explain).

 

[no answer]


SHORT ESSAY  (5 points)

5) Is Larry Summers worth a damn, and will Tim Geithner’s Turbo Tax savvy save the economy?

(Answer in 26 words or less.)

 

All I can do for you is to say that I am not impressed with Obama’s economic team as they are complicit in the current difficulties.


6) Is it too late to stave off a full-fledged depression?

(Answer in 8 words exactly.)

 

It is too late to avoid a depression.


7) What, do you think, is Alan Greenspan’s spirit animal?

(Leave blank if your answer is platypus.)

 

[no answer]


RHETORICAL THIRD RAIL LONG ESSAY (10 points)

(Answer in 500 words or none.)

8) Defending the stimulus bill in The Washington Post, President Obama stressed the importance of acting “without delay.” I ask you the same rhetorical question Joe Scarborough asked Tucker Carlson this morning on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe”: “[Paul], do you know how many parallels there are between this bill and the way we went into Iraq? It is frightening! We’ve got a gun to our head and they’re saying, ‘Do it our way or else the world as we know it comes to an end.”

9) President Obama announced a $500,000 salary cap on CEOs, whose companies are taking taxpayer funds. There’s also much ballyhoo being made about corporate jets and other hard-earned oligarch perks, like, antique commodes. How can these companies be expected to compete on a level playing field if they can’t impress potential clients by flying them to fancy wooden toilets or can’t afford to buy them expensive meals and prostitutes?

10) You have what Real Americans would call unpatriotic views about 9-11 and appalling terrorist sympathies. You’ve written: “[i]t is certainly a known and non-controversial fact among physicists and engineers that the only way buildings can collapse at free fall speed into their own footprints is by engineered demolition.” However, when buildings are demolished by engineers, the bottom levels are destroyed first and the floors “pancake” from lowest to highest, yet the WTC towers pancaked from highest to lowest—from the point of the planes’ impacts. Isn’t this is a huge discrepancy in 9-11 Truth think, and are you now a pariah at Cato Institute reunions and picnics?

 

[no answer]


EXTRA CREDIT:

LIBERTARIAN ETHICS PUZZLER! (15 points)

11) You and reanimated Ayn Rand are trapped in a basement by rogue social scientists. There’s just enough food and water for you both to survive your detention. However, the room is divided by an impenetrable barrier, save for a small drawer to pass provisions. The water’s on your side, and the food’s on Rand’s. The rogue (possibly alien) scientists have designed the drawer so that items can only be passed from your side to Rand’s for the first three days, then only from Rand’s to your’s for the next three days, and so forth. As a final catch, the perverse game has also been rigged to reward more food or water, respectively, to you when you give less food or water to your cellmate. How will you both survive? And, more importantly, do have any quasi-racist comments about infrastructure spending in the stimulus bill?

 

At best, construction, assuming the Mexicans don’t get most of the jobs, is a way to temporarily lower the number of unemployed.


ANSWER KEY / YOUR SCORE:

1) c               ½ credit

2) d               ½ credit

3) d               ½ credit

4) d               blank/ 0

5) +5

6) +5

7) +5

8) +5

9) 0

10) 0

12) +12

______________

Total: 33.5 / 69

LETTER GRADE: C-


EVALUATION: Paul, you did great on the short essay portion! However, you struggled on both the multiple choice and long essay portions (you skipped some questions!), but you made up some points with your extra credit slam on Mexicans. You need to pay better attention in class and be more thorough with your answers if you want to distance yourself from the failed economic theories that created our nation’s current predicament. Better luck next time!



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