Beast Banner March 2009
ISSUE #135
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If socialists are going to take your money, it might as well be us.

Features

ArrowTHE BEAST ENLISTS THE GHOST OF SLAIN BLACK PANTHER LEADER FRED HAMPTON TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE LACK OF A FEBRUARY 2009 ISSUE
Hampton comes alive!

ArrowTHE IDIOT MACHINE
Author attempts to hold Bush crony accountable, winds up covered in poop
Ian Murphy

ArrowDESPERATE BUT NOT SERIOUS
No relief from Republican math
Allan Uthman

ArrowA CONVERSATION WITH THE 10 TRILLION ROBOTS THAT ARE CALLED DR. DANIEL DENNETT
Reknowned atheist prof. deigns to speak to The BEAST

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part IV: Every Flake a $20 Bill
John Dolan

ArrowBOUGHT, FAT & LAUDED
Someone stop Tom Friedman before he types again
Matt Taibbi

ArrowGOD HATES PHELPS
WNY to Westboro weirdoes: Talk to the hand
Ian Murphy

ArrowAIR FORCE DUMB
Chemtrails: The nonexistent killer
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowCELEBRITY POP QUIZ!
Paul Craig Roberts fails to apply himself

ArrowEXTREME MAKEOVER: GITMO EDITION
Improving our nation's curb appeal

ArrowASK MUZZAMIL HASSAN
Relationship advice from the founder of Bridges TV

ArrowGOP CHAIRMAN CALLS OBAMA SPEECH 'WIGGIDY-WHACK'
Rap battle threatened
Josh Righter

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
One-armed midget

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-SCOPES!
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)

Did you know there’s a lady who had six kids, but she went to a fertility doctor and had eight more? And she’s on food stamps and shit! Plus, she’s had plastic surgery to look like Angelina Jolie! Let’s talk about her. Let’s just talk and talk about her, and then I think we should dream about her at night, and wake up, and keep right on talking about her. In fact, this person should be the primary focus of our national attention for at least a couple of months. Every other news story should be about her. She is so important. She might do a porno, I heard. Let’s talk about that. Octomom forever!

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

I know you’ve done some pretty terrible things, but I think that if you rounded up the cast of Real Housewives of Orange County and set them on fire, it’d pretty much guarantee you’ll have a great afterlife.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)

If the government was trying to kill you, you’d be dead.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

There’s an outside chance that Rush Limbaugh will be the next president of the United States. Think about that the next time you feel yourself relaxing.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

I know your husband slept with your sister, but when two sets of identical twins get married, hilarious hijinks are bound to ensue. I know you don’t have a twin, but that’s the premise of my sitcom treatment.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

It’s okay to have inch-long fingernails, but you’re a man—a man who has lost his nail-clipper, and is too lazy to get a new one. That’s not okay.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

Why do we live in a brutally cold, snow-heavy environment? Because it’s at a key location on a long-obsolete trading route. Enjoy the last leg of your annual stint as an ice-bound hermit.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

You ever get one of those avocados that doesn’t really soften up right, and then when you finally cut it open its all brown and stringy already? Avocadoes are damn expensive, and it’s just not cool if buying them is some kind of gamble. Oh, and someone you love is going to die next week.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Your job at HSBC is dull and dispiriting, but don’t fret: HSBC will collapse soon, and you’ll be unemployed. Congrats!

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Your friend who’s warning you of Obama’s “European-style socialism”? He’s never actually been to Europe. It’s pretty cool, actually—although it is full of foreigners.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You need to stop saying “rock out with your cock out” so often. Seriously, everyone hates you.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your wife didn’t get raptured; she went to L.A with her orthodontist. Come out of the basement.



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