Beast Banner March 2009
ISSUE #135
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If socialists are going to take your money, it might as well be us.

Features

ArrowTHE BEAST ENLISTS THE GHOST OF SLAIN BLACK PANTHER LEADER FRED HAMPTON TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE LACK OF A FEBRUARY 2009 ISSUE
Hampton comes alive!

ArrowTHE IDIOT MACHINE
Author attempts to hold Bush crony accountable, winds up covered in poop
Ian Murphy

ArrowDESPERATE BUT NOT SERIOUS
No relief from Republican math
Allan Uthman

ArrowA CONVERSATION WITH THE 10 TRILLION ROBOTS THAT ARE CALLED DR. DANIEL DENNETT
Reknowned atheist prof. deigns to speak to The BEAST

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part IV: Every Flake a $20 Bill
John Dolan

ArrowBOUGHT, FAT & LAUDED
Someone stop Tom Friedman before he types again
Matt Taibbi

ArrowGOD HATES PHELPS
WNY to Westboro weirdoes: Talk to the hand
Ian Murphy

ArrowAIR FORCE DUMB
Chemtrails: The nonexistent killer
Alexander Zaitchik

ArrowCELEBRITY POP QUIZ!
Paul Craig Roberts fails to apply himself

ArrowEXTREME MAKEOVER: GITMO EDITION
Improving our nation's curb appeal

ArrowASK MUZZAMIL HASSAN
Relationship advice from the founder of Bridges TV

ArrowGOP CHAIRMAN CALLS OBAMA SPEECH 'WIGGIDY-WHACK'
Rap battle threatened
Josh Righter

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
One-armed midget

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-SCOPES!
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

IN JONG WE TRUST

What a crock of fetid dingo kidneys. You complain about everyone simply because they seem to have accomplished more than you. Do you actually have the guts to talks about really loathsome people? Robert Mugabe? Kim Jong-Il? The Pope?

Nope, much safer simply to spread the rotting dreck you write around anyone who disagrees politically with you.

Ray

Dear Ray,

It’s most loathsome AMERICANS, for the thousandth time. Still, we take your point—it would take a lot of guts to go after Kim Jong Il in the American press. What do you think we are, crazy?

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE

Got the article via Alternet, loved it (best writing I’ve seen in a long time) and sent you $20. I don’t believe in paper and postage so have noted your website address and hope I can read more. Yes?

Bryna Hellmann

Dear Bryna,

Um…yes?

[sic] OF OMISSION

How could you possibly leave off John Thain? I would put him at number one. Paying out bonuses just seconds before Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America and then demanding a huge bonus for saving the company alone should put him there. He also pocketed $30 milllion in severance because Merrill ceased to exist, with which he bought a penthouse in New York. And he claims to be a devout Presbyterian. You just can’t beat that!

-Richard Cummings

Dear Richard,

Due to 2008’s bumper crop of evil CEOs, it became unfeasible to adequately represent their class. Instead, we chose to pick a few of their government enablers, who are the heart of the problem as we see it. Unfortunately, we never got around to Thain—or Chuck Schumer, or Chris Dodd, or Jerry Rubin, or Dick Fuld, or John Snow, or Chris Cox, or Franklin Raines,  or Angelo Mozilo…

CYBERDOUCHE

Where have you been all my cyberlife? A friend sent me the article, and I’m delighted to find such a shamelessly bi-partisan source of bile and accuracy. Please keep up the good work, and I’ll be checking in regularly for a laugh and a dose of reality.

Neil Greenberg

Dear Neil,

What’s sad is that you are so well-steeped in binary political analysis that you see attacking both major parties as bipartisan. That’s not bipartisan, Neil, it’s antipartisan, or multipartisan, or something along those lines. But that’s okay, because you like us. Send money.

JOLLY RAJINDER

Lettor to the editor:

An Open Letter To American Immigrants.

If your name is Rajinder, PLEASE DO NOT ASK ME TO CALL YOU ROGER!

Rajinder, Juan, Dat and Barack are American names.

Our melting pot has never required (and should never require) Roger for Rajinder, John for Juan or Berry for Barack.

Rajinder, you are an American and so is your name!

Nicolas Adjuder

Dear Nicolas,

Is this about Bobby Jindal? Don’t go giving our IT department any ideas about contacting OSHA.

IN THE VENACLULAR

The venaclular and drawings for those carpetbaggers is almost better than the lies and obfuscations they told.I enjoyed it and had a good laugh. While at the same time chastising myself, and I’m Canadian

Terri

Dear Terri,

Wow, you chastised yourself while reading us? That is so hot. We’re chastising ourselves just thinking about it!

WE CAN SEE YOU

When you wrote about “Me”, how did you know so much about “Me”?

jonthebru

Dear Jon,

We have a contact at the NSA. You need to stop googling Traci Lords.

ACCURACY IN PARODY

Doesn’t it seem a tad senile to put a picture of a Ford car under the text ‘You wouldn’t buy our crappy cars so we are taking your money anyway’ WHEN IT WAS ONLY FORD THAT TURNED DOWN THE MONEY!!!!!

David Kiviat

Dear David,

  1. When we made the ad, it wasn’t clear that Ford would decline the bailout.
  2. The ad was for the “big three,” so we just chose the first reasonably hi-res picture of a crummy American car we found, which happened to be a Ford.
  3. If we had realized that this was the one parody ad out of hundreds we’ve done that would take on a life of its own on the internet and be viewed by millions, we probably would have thought harder about the picture. Maybe a Chrysler.
  4. Ford will almost certainly be taking “bridge loan” money from the government by the end of this year anyway.
  5. It’s a joke. Chill out.

WORST PRAISE EVER

Pretty awesome writing.

The “Shitty Cars” ad is great too.

You are the MadTV to the Onion’s SNL.

Probably heard that crap before...sorry.

Scott Klug

Dear Scott,

MadTV? Jesus man, why not just bash our heads in with a brick?

APOSTROPHIC ATROCITY

Thank you from the bottom of my black heart. Your writing is exquisite, I enjoyed the “50” worst so much that I made sure all my friends in Seattle know about “buffalobeast.com”.

Michael Cozad

Dear Michael,

They’re called quotation marks. Learn about them.

NOT REALLY

so, ok who are the 50 people you do not think are loathsome, can we be positive about subjects in this form

edmund Lindsay

Dear Edmund,

We’ll let you know when we get to 50.

FANDEMONIUM

Dear Beast,

Looking back over these years, I can only say it is with ultimate sadness that Mary Beth Buchanan has yet to be acknowledged in 50 Most Loathsome.

From prosecuting Tommy Chong to adults consensually posing for photography, she is a radical enemy of the left-libertarian front.

Can’t fit ‘em all in, I guess.

Tyler Bass

Dear Tyler,

So’s your mom.

PROMISES PROMISES

Dearest Beasties,

Just wanted to say your site is brilliant. I just finished reading your 50 Most Loathsome for The Most Horrible Year In Living Memory and agreed with every single point.

Promise to make a donation to the site once I get a job and can afford it.

Finally, let me say that despite the shocking ineptitude I see all around me in the US of A, as a recent immigrant to these fair shores (I’m from Australia, would you believe, and moved here in October -- at the height of The Meltdown) I nevertheless remain optimistic. Like that fat wop said at the start of The Godfather, “I believe in America.” Or, as my own father would say, “There’s still life in the old girl yet.”

Yours desperately grinning,

Jeremy

Dear Jeremy,

So… get a job yet?

IMAGINARY FIEND

It’s too bad the list is only 50 deep. The writing is really good. I wish I had the imagination your staff does.

frank sgambellone

Dear Frank,

That and three dollars won’t get you a latte.

MESSAGE FROM CPAC

you guys are gay and you love to blow cock.i however, am the fuckin man!!!you better not try to blow me though, cause I’ll curb stomp your faggot asses!Kill Iraq!!Up with Castro!!!

max dineras

Dear Max,

Have you formed your presidential exploratory committee yet?

BALLED WIN

I can’t believe I only recently discovered your great website! Liberals and leftists need to stop making nice with the right-wing conservatives and get some of your attitude. Anyway, I am disappointed you did not include Alec Baldwin on your 2007 list. His “rude little pig” VM to his daughter is enough to merit inclusion. But add to that his annoying persona and his stupid political statements that make other liberal celebs who KNOW what they are talking about look bad, and he should have been hammered on your site. Hopefully he will screw up in 2009 and get your attention next January.

Tim Howard

Dear Tim,

Have you considered the possibility that Alec Baldwin’s daughter is just a little cunt?

THUMB TYPER

 u guys are boss

as usual

please keep up the good work!!!

ps: matt tabbi was on cnn the other night ...does that make him a tool?

also: I still like oberman but his edward R murrow act is getting tired

pete tarbrake

Dear Pete,

Why capitalize the R?

BO-RING

You forgot Nancy Pelosi. Without a doubt the most evil and loathsome ultra left democrat. Not to mention a complete hypocrite regarding earmarks and and illegal immigration issues.

Jim Johansen

Dear Jim,

You people really need to pick up your language game. All that “far left, ultra left liberal Democrat” stuff is just old and tired. Now do the thing where you suddenly have all these strong principles against deficit spending and borrowing money from China. That is just so cute.

VERBAL VAPORS

Jeez - you guys have ways with words, doncha? You can fling ‘em around, scramble ‘em, then reassemble them better than I ever could, even in my wildest dreams. Way to go.

Buttcakes

Dear Buttcakes,

Gratitudinals for your supremotastic messagissity.

HOPESOME

What a fantastic piece of work! I look forward to reading your “Most Loathsome” list every year, and it never disappoints. Bitterly funny and funnily bitter, definitely. Masterfully written, without a doubt. But what makes me really love it is how deeply and how sincerely you folks expect that things can and should be different. Thanks for the most deliciously mean helping of hope I get all year.

William Pietri

Dear William,

Clearly, you have misunderstood our intentions.

BLAME CANADA

I loved the article [Ian Murphy, “Fuck the Troops”]. I have been saying the same thing for over 6 years now (no I have not been popular at parties). No one seems to remember why the “troops” got such a bad welcoming from Viet Nam... They forget about all the baby-killers, village burners, and rapists (and that was to the people we were there to protect). There were many good reasons why the troops from Viet Nam were despised! Just as there are many reasons why the troops now, ought to be despised.

I also fully support and call the soldiers who go to Canada - heroes. They take responsibility for their actions.

Keep up the good work, I am a new reader to this sight, and look forward to reading more good things.

Thanks,

Jon Law

Dear Jon,

What, no heated invitation to a homoerotic gang-beating? Touche, sir.

PROP MASTER

I’m hoping you’re too hard on Obama. Otherwise, well done. Kind of poetic, actually. Nothing can top “America’s first clip-art presidential candidate,” but nothing has to.

Ellis Weiner

Dear Ellis,

Whoah. Compliments from a guy who worked for both National Lampoon and Spy Magazine? We’d say more, but we have to go change our pants now.

GETTING OVERLAID

Uh, no angry email, actually your 50 most loathful perfectly overlaid my opinions of the last year. Either you or I should be afraid of that.

A Vandelay

Dear A,

Must be you. We have no fear. Nah, just kidding. Remember those “No Fear” T-shirts everyone was wearing a few years ago? That’s not really much of a policy, is it? We always wanted to see one of those guys walk into traffic or piss on an electric fence or something.

SLIGHTLY STUPID

The whole article is a complaining of a hypocrite. Your deductions of republicans and even the Mormons were so biased and unresearched that if I found out that all the authors and contributors were not mentally handicaped, I would be astounded. It would interesting if you actually had facts, but you instead start with slight facts, focus on what you want your readers to think, and then fill in the middle with lies and half truths to make your impossibly rediculous point. I have no doubt that you bunch feel intelligent, and well informed, but your just as improper, biased, and manipulative as every other person who thinks they are a journalist or reporter just because they can speak or type the first dumb thing that come to their mind.

I truly feel sorry for you lot.

Levi

Dear Levi,

We’re confused. First you say we have no facts, then that we have “slight” facts. You call our worked “unresearched,” when it’s bloated with direct quotes and documented truths. Then you reveal a seething contempt for seemingly the entire field of journalism. Also, you can’t spell. Our question is: Do you work for Fox News or the National Review?

U.K. SUB

 Absolutely marvellous! I have a feeling you could extend the list to 500 or 5000 fairly easily. As a British citizen and resident I hadn’t heard of all those people, but now I know all I need to about them - thanks to your superb thumbnail portraits.

Tom Welsh

Dear Tom,

Thanks, mate. Sorry for destroying the global economy and all that.

FAUX-TICULATE

Do everyone a favor and go masturbate in a corner. You could undoubtedly produce something far more intelligent, witty and less pretentious than the drivel you put forth here. I could scout an inner city sidewalk and find a dog turd that could speak more insightfully on politics. There’s dumb, dumber, dumbest and then there’s you two. Put up the pimple cream, grow up and get a job you mindless little twits.

With absolutely no respect whatsoever,

David Johnson

Dear David,

Wow, you really suck at this.

ANGRY & WRONG

Where the hell is Robert(Cholera means never having to say your’e thirsty)Mugabe? Doesn’t genocide count in the list? What about Nancy(BigTits)Pelosi for being spineless two years in a row? Maybe John Yoo for assisting the Bush administation in creating Executive orders to give the Wonder Twins(Bush & Cheney) The poweers Nixon wanted?

I could go on but the nurse is coming by with my meds!

William Nash

Dear William,

John Yoo—you have a point there. But Mugabe isn’t American, and Pelosi, well—we don’t know which is worse, the fact that you think she has big tits, or the idea that big tits are somehow a liability. “I can’t vote for her—her tits are too big!” Maybe Cindy Sheehan really does have a shot at Pelosi’s seat.

TOUCHY

 fuck you for putting obama on this list. what a piece of shit rag the beast has always been, but i guess anything for a cheap fucking laugh. only it’s not funny, assholes.

Manuel Martinez

Dear Manuel,

Did we hurt your boyfriend’s feelings? Here’s a quarter; shove it up your ass. Actually, “anything for a cheap laugh” would make a pretty good mission statement for us.

LIGHT SWEET RUDE

True and penetrating observations, put concisely and such that I laughed until I lost my breath.

I’m here by way of the Rude Pundit, the only other site that makes me think and laugh in equal measure.

I’m bookmarking your site. Thanks.

Elaine

Dear Elaine,

Have you ever noticed how some people pronounce it “pundint?” What’s up with that? Why do people think there’s an extra “n” in there? There isn’t. It’s “pundit.” It’s actually a lot easier to say the right way. And what’s with “acrossed?” Stop the scourge of surplus consonants!

TURNABOUT IS FAIRLY DULL

Uthman & Murphy

Crimes: Setting the bar of political discourse too low for an Achondroplasia limbo with hypocritical ad hominem attacks that can only emanate from the sort of ignorant and pompous fiends whom they purportedly deride. Lacking a genuine political persuasion, they fling invective across the spectrum as a naughty toddler might throw his own feces—a desperate cry for the attention their meager talents have failed to provide.

Exhibit A: Apparently think “loathsome” means “successful.”

Sentence: A few hours of internet notoriety every year for the rest of their otherwise obscure existences, deathbed realization that they never generated the web traffic of a sneezing panda.

Greg Whatever

Dear Greg,

Setting aside the fact that we get about twenty messages identical to this one every year, even after we wrote an “Us” entry a couple of years ago, there isn’t a writer alive who could compete for web traffic with a sneezing panda, and you know it. Thanks for your attention.

FRANKENFURTIVE

Franken’s victory grants him a clear mandate to advance a liberal agenda over the next four years.

He’s earned capital in this campaign, political capital, and now he should spend it

Georg Bvsh

Dear Georg,

We hope he spends it on C4.

PITY THE FOOL

You fuckers are completely off your tits. hard earned money should not go towards sunsidizing the life of some fat, lazy, welfare/disability recieving chain smoker who doesn’t want to get off their fat asses and get a fucking job? You dickheads think this is some merry fantastic fucking world where the weakness and mediocrity should be rewarded than maybe you should volunteer a bigger chunk of your paycheck to pay for the mouth breathers.But no, you like to pull the fucking race card and turn everything into a black vs. white thing instead. If you wanna eat you should work. if you don’t like your job, you do what it takes to get a better one. But no I know it’s easier to simply take the bread from someone who does.If you disagree with me, that makes you a pussy. You guys suck dong, and I can’t wait till the chinese invade in twenty years. I’m gonna personally turn you subversive fuckers in, and dance on the graves of your nicotine laden, trans fat blubbery asses. Fuck you, go get hit by a drunk driver.Chairman Mao lives!!! Merry new year!!!

B. Baracus

Dear B,

It’s interesting: This is the second e-mail we’ve gotten from you (although you used different names, it’s obvious). In both, you start off making standard lowbrow arguments against social spending, but then degenerate into sophomoric, chest-beating insults. Could it be that you are dimly aware of your abysmal lack of knowledge, and know better than to make a serious argument, thereby opening yourself to criticism? The irony here, B, is that you are weak. Weak in the head. Probably poor as fuck to boot.

EXPAT

Hey guys,

I just wanted to thank you for your brilliant and incredibly funny analysis on basically everything. Since I was a freshman at Canisius High, I’ve been reading your paper. I just wanted to write to thank you, and to ask whether or not I can get The Beast in England. I’m going to college over there, and it would be nice to have a constant reminder of the better things of Buffalo.

Timothy

Dear Timothy,

Of course you can get an overseas subscription, but dude, you’re going to England. It’s a foreign country, but everyone speaks English. Do you really think you’ll miss Buffalo?

LOSS MAN

Are you guys going to have that 50 biggest assholes list this year? Or, 50 hateful people? Whatever it’s called? I’ve been looking forward to it pretty much since the last one came out. Since the Sopranos got canceled, and the Raiders have sucked for a half a decade now, I don’t have a lot to look forward to. Hope the 50 assholes list is coming. Best of luck!

PS, can I request that Al Davis be put on the 50 biggest assholes list? He’s certainly earned it.

Robert

Robert,

We’re from Buffalo. Cry us a river.

FLAT EARTHLING

Dear Sirs/Misses,

More articles on ken Ham, AIG, the Discovery Institute, and Intelligent Design, as soon as possible. You are missing the funniest fucking argument of the last, and hopefully this, century.

Readers, visit www.uncommondescent.com and read Miss o’Leary, this botex stick insect is one funny tart

Rob.

Dear Rob,

More tragicomic than straight up funny, we’d say.

CRAPPY CRITIC

From your article, Let’s Get Social: “Instead, he told a story about his dad: “When I was a kid, my dad told me once, he said, ‘Son, capitalism will never die, because just when it is about to collapse, socialism will come in and save it.’ ”

It’s a good point. That’s exactly what happened when the 1929 crash devastated this nation, and it’s probably what will happen now. But if socialism is saving our butts, it hardly seems fair to keep spitting on its name. If most Americans had a clear-eyed view of what socialism actually meant, they’d probably want more of it, but most have a tainted or flatly ignorant notion of it.”

Selective memory FTW! The Clinton administration pushed legislation in the 90s that forced banks to make insanely risky loans in the hopes that it would put more Americans into homes, thus granting them the American dream. Millions of Americans who were never capable of having a mortgage got one. The Bush administration did little to nothing to get rid of this legislation, and the rest is history.

So you have the government stepping in to private corporations and literally forcing them to make bad business decisions and when it all blows up, the government has the nerve to act innocent. And then you naively assert that socialism is saving us from capitalism. I don’t know what’s dumber - you thinking that government bailouts equal “saving us” or that you think the thing we’re being saved from is actual capitalism.. Either way, that’s some POWERFUL stupid Allan.

I think this publication is on the mark most of the time, and when I say most, this is actually the first article I’ve come across by Beast that reeked of Stupid. So keep up the good work and don’t let this black eye get you down. It may be a good idea to do a little more research though Allan, especially if you want to keep criticizing the press for not doing their own due diligence. Cheers,

Kevin

Dear Kevin,

Please see Uthman’s article in this issue for some information on how you’re completely wrong. These lenders could not wait to give liar loans to people who couldn’t afford them, because they were able to bundle and sell the loans as soon as they were signed. They weren’t forced to do shit; they were enabled.

It may be a good idea to do a little more research, Kevin, if you want to keep criticizing The BEAST.



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