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ISSUE #136
 
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If Obama's a socialist, why are we broke?

Features

ArrowDR. STRANGELOVE EXPAINS THE ISRAEL LOBBY

Arrow GIVE ME IDIOCY OR GIVE ME DEATH (WEB EXCLUSIVE!)
Ian Murphy attends a local teabagging

ArrowONE LUMP OR TWO?
Fake Fascism & Phony Outrage
Allan Uthman

ArrowPHILOSOPHER JOHN R. SEARLE STOOPS TO OUR LEVEL

ArrowSTUPID, or HOW TO LOSE MONEY RUNNING A SPEED LAB
Part 5: Back to Berkeley for the Big Epiphany
John Dolan

ArrowCREDIBILITY DEFAULT SWAP
Obama: The best pitchman Goldman Sachs ever had
Matt Taibbi

ArrowTHE LORD CLOWN HAS RISEN!
A Beaster Miracle!
Ian Murphy

ArrowBEST NEWS CHANNEL IN THE WORLD
You should watch AlJazeera English, but you can't
Anchor Downs

ArrowBLACKBEARD BLOWBACK
As fun as shooting pirates is, it may not be smart
Allison Kilkenny

ArrowA NEW OR GENTLY USED ECONOMY
11common sense ways to beat the recession

ArrowPARANORMAL ESTATE
Money tight? Make up some stuff about ghosts
Eileen Jones

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5
Unintentionally Hilarious Metaphor

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Eric Lingenfelter

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-SCOPES!
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

POOP SCOOP

 I’m writing to let you guys know I sympathize with Ian Murphy’s desire to spray poop on Karl Rove. I read “The Idiot Machine” in the March issue a few days before Rove came to speak at my college and I really wish that I or someone at my school had had enough balls to at least try to succeed where Murphy sadly failed. But while Rove definitely deserves a good old fashioned poop-spraying, what scared me more was the crowd. College students were greatly outnumbered by local rednecks and old people, all of whom were rabid Rove fans. Having never really been in a large crowd of conservatives during a political event I was truly frightened by some of the things they yelled. I think the sentiment expressed by the sweet old lady behind me, “CUT THEIR HEADS OFF!” (in reference to Gitmo prisoners), is definitely worse than Murphy’s overheard comment of “and we ain’t forget it!”. So I guess what I’m saying is that covering Rove in dog shit, while undoubtably just and funny, doesn’t really solve the larger problem, which is the mobs of crypto-fascist retirees who support him. Should we just wait for them to die, or is it time to start rounding up the old people into camps?

Keep up the good work, BEAST, and maybe one day it’ll be someone else covered in poop.

-Andy Kupferle

Denison University Class of 2012

Dear Andy,

Must be what those FEMA camps are about. Hmmm… FEMA… Feeble Elderly Militaristic Authoritarians! Well, good thing they’re already working on the problem.

MARY QUERY

 Let me ask: if every religion and culture in the history of the earth spontaneously came to hate women, don’t you think there might be something to it?

Adam Lanphier

Dear Adam,

Yeah, there’s something to it: Men like to dominate women, especially poor, powerless and uneducated men. And men are bigger than women. As a consequence of their bigness, men have historically made all the rules, including the religious rules. The end.

CYLON TEA

The “Loser in Chief “ the Islamic rooted Barack Obama is now using video in Saudi al Arabia TV and Qatar al Jazeera TV to talk directly to the Islamic world and to spew his contempt of our brave US troops and to show his admiration of the Islamic terrorists of the Iranian regime as the new leader of the Islamic world.

The African Islamic Messiah Barack Hussein Obama who was pushed to power in the White House by the Iranian regime and their Hamas Islamic terrorists financing is using the al Qaida leader Osama Bin Laden’s video style messages to the Arab and Islamic world proving that he is the new leader of the Islamic world from the American capital.

The Obama’s video to the Iranian people say that it is a “new day” when the Islamic African of the Luo Tribe was able to ‘penetrate’ as foreign Muslim into the American White House and still serve the interests of the Islamic world and especially the interest of the Iranian regime of Ahmadinajad.

It is a “new day” when Obama is giving the Islamic terrorist suicide bombers of Gitmo and the Hamas Islamic terrorists of Gaza to go free in US cities and in addition he gives them the same rights as the American people that are under his presidency rule of the White House.

It is a “new day” when the interests of the American people and the interests of radical Islamic apocalyptic regime of Ahmadinajad and Ayatollah Khumenie are the same and both seek taking control of the Jews and converting Jerusalem and the Holyland to the new center of the Islamic world.

It is clearly a “new day” when our US troops under the Islamic leader of the world Barack Hussein Obama will be defeated in Iraq and Afghanistan by the Islamic terrorists leading to victory of the Islamic Shariya and Marxist rules over the American infidels as called for in the Quran..

AMERICAN PATRIOTS IN AMERICA

US MILITARY HEROES AGAINST THE SOCIALIST POLICIES OF BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA

James Ziokowski

Dear James,

Ah yes. As any Islamic militant knows, the use of video messages is the hallmark of the true soldiers of Allah, the great Marxist. You are clearly a lucid, not at all insane or stupid person. It’s sad, really, that no one understands the truth about Obama, just because there is no reason to believe anything you’re saying except that he’s dark and has a foreign-type name. But really, what more do people want? It really is a pretty weird name. We heard he’s even been to foreign-type countries, too. You know, those countries that aren’t America, the sharia/Marxist type, like Iranorussia and Islamochina. Atheist Muslim fundamentalists? What is this world coming to? Also, we heard he was a Cylon. Have another teabag, fuckhead.

LOATHSOMNESIA

You know, every year I look forward to the 50 most loathsome article, and every year I love reading it. What I love most is reading about the names I don’t already know--the faceless bureaucrats and corrupt CEOs who don’t normally enter into my realm of consciousness, but who are nonetheless having a decidedly evil impact on my existence. And I feel good about myself for getting educated about these people and think “holy shit, I can’t believe these people are getting away with that, fuck them!” But then I realized tonight... I don’t remember a single thing about these people, only days afterward. I mean, I read that article a month or two ago, but do I remember any of these names or any of their crimes? Nope. None. Blank.

So, that sucks of me. Not sure why I needed to communicate this, other than some desire to instill a feeling of hopelessness in you. Since I don’t assume I’m alone in this phenomenon.

Love The Beast! Keep up the good work guys!

Isaac

Dear Isaac,

Try reading something else sometime.

DETENTE

 okay, i was a bit touchy about the obama thing. i freely admit it. buy you are assholes.

Manuel Martinez

Dear Manuel,

Agreed on both counts.

TIT’S A COOKBOOK

G`day. Found your website in January and checked out your archives. I think you may be the most potent weapon in the American Empire’s arsenal guys.Your writing has disolved some of the deep resentment I have felt(nurtured) for the U.S over the last thirty or so years. I particularly liked Meme-ry Problems. Would love to see an update on that article. Maybe you could elaborate on the evolutionary/fractal nature of memetics Ian. It seems to interest you and would keep you off the streets. The only dissapointment I`ve felt reading your stuff was the eloquence and cohesion of those rebuttals to “Fuck the troops” in “Sic”. How did they all do that? Are they all part of a single organism? Great work anyway folks. Sorry I cant send you any money.There isnt a lot of work for brickies at the moment so I dont have much to spare.As soon as Obama gets off his lazy ass and gets around to waving his magic wand (I’m assuming its a big black one) and creates a new economic system, brings peace on earth, saves the environment etc etc I will definetly subscribe.

greg

Dear Greg,

It’s funny: You’re not the first foreign reader who’s told us that we have softened their feelings for the U.S., which is pretty much the opposite of what we do for our domestic readers. What’s really sad about this is that your previous feelings for America must have been that there weren’t even a handful of people in the entire country who had anything worthwhile to say at all. Don’t get us wrong, it’s a stupid country and all that, but Jesus, Greg, even Alabama’s got a few philosophy professors and scientists tucked away somewhere. Besides, Australia’s not exactly brimming with Michaelangelos either.

[sic]CESSFUL WRITING

Hail Satan!

The fact that Tummyass Feedme continues to be a respected columnist, despite his delusional ideas and retarded writing, indicates that intelligence or wit have nothing to do with being a successful writer. Good thing some writers don’t care about being successful! Thanks Matt Taibbi! That was fucking awesome! The send-up of Feedme’s loopy metaphors rivaled Mark Twain criticizing James Fenimore Cooper!

Moline

Dear Moline,

Speaking of good writing, here’s a tip: These awful pun-names that lefties seem compelled to use for pundits they dislike are better left on the shelf. We’ve seen them all—Rush Limpballs, Mann Coulter, Sean Insanity, Michelle Malcontent, and the like, and they’re all grating in their own special ways. But “Tummyass Feedme” for Thomas Friedman? Do you really think that’s clever? That’s a whole new class of irritating. The guy is barely pudgy, for one, and it’s not even close enough to his name to ensure people will even know who you’re talking about. And what the hell is a tummyass? His ass looks like a tummy? Why not just go with “Dumbass Friedman?” It’s simple, to the point, and insults his intellect, a truly worthy target. Plus, it has the same number of syllables as his name, and leaving the last name intact gives the reader a clue as to whom you’re referring.

POWER TO THE PEOPLE

Not necessarily throwing support behind groups like the Black Panthers (I’m more of a Pink Panther fan), but the spirit of people like Fred Hampton needs to possess your magazine a little more often in my opinion. Humor, cynicism, sarcasm, can be great weapons for informing people or simply entertaining them. But a little more “righteous indignation” would be a welcome inclusion for this mag IMO. Not self-righteous, just righteous, true, good motives behind the veneer of a chimera “Beast”. Anyway, somebody made a comment on your letter’s page about how “The Beast was like the MADtv, to The Onion’s SNL”. Unfortunately, if this comparison is warranted, it sadly looks that after 14 years MADtv has been canceled (possibly for a move to cable), so one wonders what changes might be in store for your mag...!?!

Mad

Dear Mad,

Please, stop saying that shit about MadTV. That show was garbage from beginning to end. Will Sasso was all right, but even when he was on it the show was unwatchable. How many fucking times can Mrs. Swan say “he looka like a man” before you want to bash your skull in with a brick? We don’t really see how the The Onion has anything to do with us, but if you’re intent on making some sketch comedy show analogy, can we be something else? Mr. Show, maybe? It makes more sense to us, especially when you consider how unsuccessful it was.

WELL I NEVER

A good friend sent me a text about your site, and immediately I started reading several articles and watching videos. I’ve gotta hand it to you - the work is clever, pointed (biased), unethical, and completely disrespects other human beings most of the time. I can see your site’s appeal - and I’m willing to bet that a majority of your fans are irreverent, young college guys who have no life goals aside from crushing the next level in Halo or splitting open another can of beer. It seems your staff is almost entirely male, as well - a little discriminatory for such a liberal publication, isn’t it? Is that the essence of the Buffalo Beast? Opinionated, chauvinist males who hide behind wit and satire? Do you ever plan to put your writing skills to good use? What do you want to be when you grow up? Life is quite short, after all.

Leah

Dear Leah,

Wow, you immediately started reading several articles? Are you some kind of super-android with unidirectional attention-paying power? Leah, having an all-male staff is not discriminatory when no women want to work for you. How many (straight) men do you think work at Marie Claire? Leah, do you want to know why men tend vote Republican? It’s not really about economics or any of that shit.  It’s because most of them see liberalism as an abyss of self-loathing and self-denial. It’s because people like you think that everyone should be sexually liberated except straight men, who should feel terrible about themselves all of the time. There should be a place, somewhere in the world, where it’s okay to want single-payer health care and a blowjob at the same time. There is nothing chauvinist about that. We’re not hiding from anyone.

NOT A QUARTERLY… YET

what the fuck, beast? i get home from a hard day of work, peel my socks off, kick up my feet and log on to the interweb to check out the latest incendiary leftist rhetororic from my favorite monthly rag, only to find that it hasn’t been updated in two months!? fix your shit, jerks! love, pd

Dear PD,

Do you know anyone who’s willing to lay out a 40-page magazine using Adobe Indesign for free schwag and toenail clippings? No? Off with you then.

AMBER ALERT

You verbally raped the few individuals I recognized in this article, although I believe this charge is contentious as they were no doubt walking around pants down and bent over inviting any such discipline. Including me (I believe I was #43 “You” or at least most of the charges seemed to apply). Thanks for the laughs and I appreciate you keeping me honest :)

David

Dear David,

Dude, no means no.

GOLDMAN [sic]

The dollar today is not worth what it was ten years ago. I propose that we have a $2 dollar. That way if you only had $2, and spent $1 on a cup of coffee, you’d still have $2 left. A family could live for a year on just $1000.

Say what you will, but it’s no crazier than the bailout.

Dave Campbell

Dear Dave,

So how much would a $2 bill be worth? Interesting plan, but we fear it might lead to inflation.

REEFERENCE

ok, so i ordered frisian dew seeds from amsterdamn, they are vegitating nicely, with the exception of one plant, after the 4th set of leaves, i see white hairs. kinda early huh. anyway, 2 weeks later, “now”, its obvious she is growing as 1  bud. she looks very healthy, but i have to admit, ive never seen this before. but im new at this also. what would cause her to do that, and is it a bad thing? will she continue to grow into a huge bud? or will she eventually start vegitating, since she never really did? i would appreciate any info on this matter....thanks =0)  

sincerly,

bret

Dear Bret,

Sorry man, but Dr. Rotten hasn’t been seen in these parts since Terri Schiavo mattered. Our understanding of weed is limited to the kind that comes in brick form. Whatever you do, don’t send us any samples; that would be illegal.



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