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ISSUE #137
 
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Features

ArrowAYATOLLAH KHAMENEI DISCOVERS TWITTER

ArrowWHORES ON TERROR
Never mind the waterboarding, here's the sodomy
Allan Uthman

Arrow WHAT'S THE B.I.G. IDEA?
Karl Widerquist wants to give you instant cash now!

ArrowOPEN ASS, INSERT HEAD
If Paulson's a hero, I'm Batman
Matt Taibbi

ArrowFUTURE SHLOCK!
Ian Murphy pesters geniuses about robots

ArrowROEDER THE MAYBE KILLER
No one really thinks abortion is murder
Erich Shulte

ArrowFIRST GITMO DETAINEE BROUGHT TO U.S. ESCAPES & KILLS 5,600 IN ‘HELLISH FLAMES’

ArrowBECOMING A BETTER PERSON
How to avoid not doing nothing
Eileen Jones

ArrowDAVID DUKE OR SONIA SOTOMAYOR?
Can you tell the diffrence?

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5 "Suicide"

ArrowWaxy Beast: Music Reviews
by Stephen Douglas

ArrowKino Kwikees: Movie Trailer Reviews
by Michael Gildea

ArrowBEAST-O-SCOPES!
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

The BEAST Page 5 “Suicide”

Name: Ibn al-Shaykh al-Libi

Turn-ons: Allah, the sweet release of death, prop comedy.

Turn-offs: Press blackouts, infidels, organ failure.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 5 “Suicide”: Well, I ran a Jihadi training camp in Afghanistan, but I’m best known as the source for the bogus “Saddam trained Al Qaeda in chemical weapons” story that made its way into Colin Powell’s infamous UN speech. But hey, it wasn’t my fault! I was renditioned to Egypt by the CIA, so they could get medieval on my ass. I told those assholes that there wasn’t any link to Saddam, but then they put me in a coffin for 17 hours. When they finally pulled me out, they beat me mercilessly. Well, after that, I was all “Saddam this” and “Osama that” and “chemical weapons whatever,” as you can imagine. Anyway, later on the CIA sent me to Libya, where I was sentenced to life in prison. Then, just a few weeks ago, it came out that Cheney micromanaged my torture, and specifically requested that Saddam-Iraq lie. That is to say, he had me tortured with the specific intent of producing false evidence. So they had me killed, of course. Hell, the report of my “suicide” didn’t even specify when or how I died.

Future Plans: These 72 virgins are total uggos, so I’ve been spending a lot of time drinking from the rivers of wine around here. No, seriously, I’m in hell, of course. But the funny thing is, I’m so used to being tortured, they just gave up on me. Now I just hang out in my room and watch reruns of “Yes, Dear.” It’s the only show we get down here.



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