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Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If Sarah Palin was really a slutty flight attendant, Gemini, she’d be a lot more interesting.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Hey Cancer, next time you feel like pissing away some money on lottery tickets, why not buy them all at once? I just want a Snapple, man, and it’s a convenient store, not a fucking casino.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
I’m not judging you for killing your husband, Leo, but I’d suggest not blaming a black guy. They’re onto that stuff these days—go with a Korean just to change it up this time.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
You know what sucks about American Idol, Virgo? Everything. So really, parsing the details is not a worthwhile endeavor.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
The next time you’re talking shit about Muslims, Libra, consider this: While Iranians were rioting over a stolen election, you were rioting because the Lakers won. Dick.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
The Japanese recently crashed an old satellite into the moon, just to see what kind of debris it would kick up. As an astrological consequence, for not asking the moon nicely beforehand, the impossibly lucky stretch of fortune you had coming next month will not occur. You won’t meet and marry Jessica Biel or fall into that job as a video game tester. Also, a close relative will die after being struck by a chunk of the moon. It’s not your fault, Scorpio; blame the Japanese.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
You may have lost your real estate fortune, Sagittarius, but look on the bright side: Your wife is going to leave you.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
I just wanted to warn you, Capricorn: The next time you try to say that Nazis are left-wing, your brain will deliberately throw a blood vessel. There are some mental atrocities a brain just can’t survive.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Aquarius, the Airport Plaza Jewelers guy has got to be stopped. It’s amazing to me that he thinks he’s going to heaven after his incessantly repeated mental abuse of the entire region with his demonic rubber chicken commercial. As if the girl in the oversized suit’s voice wasn’t grating enough. “I’LL BUY IT!! I’LL BUY IT!! I’LL BUY IT!!” Seriously, he needs to stop. He’s really harassing hundreds of thousands of people. Does he feel good about that? And why is he still waving around the mannequin limbs? He hasn’t used that “arm and a leg” line in at least a year, right? It must be really odd if you hadn’t seen that, like he’s some kind of kinky mannequin limb fetishist. Anyway, Aquarius, I just wanted to get that off my chest. Its just amazing to me that such a tiny store could generate so much obnoxiousness. I think I may actually have been traumatized by them. Thanks for listening.
Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
I hate to break this to you, Pisces, but those pills you’ve been stealing from your mom are estrogen. On the plus side, nice tits, dude.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Mars is in the fifth house, Aries, which, to be honest, doesn’t actually mean anything at all. You knew that, right?
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
You’re not really part hobbit, Taurus, that’s just something your mom told you to make you feel better about being comically short.
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