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John Dolan is poor as hell

ArrowDIVE ARTISTS
Dems "lose" another health care fight Allan Uthman

HAPPY BIRTHER-DAY, MR. PRESIDENT
A Birthday Card for Obama!

Arrow I'M EATIN' PEOPLE FOOD TONIGHT
A BEAST Reader Opinion

ArrowUNCIVIL WAR
Cousin against cousin in the Battle of Gmail
Eileen Jones

ArrowMEDICAL EXPERTS: PALIN "TOO STUPID TO LIVE"

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ArrowAMERICANS OUTRAGED AT SUDDEN REALIZATION INTERSTATE HIGHWAYS ARE GOVERNMENT-RUN

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by Steve Stevenson

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Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

I'm Eatin' People Food Tonight

A BEAST Reader Opinion

By Jimmy Stinson

Brought to you by...

 

You read me right, by Jiminy. I'm a eatin' people food tonight! Hot dog! Well, not quite, but close.

The dish du jour for this monsieur is a barely dented can of Vienna sausages, thank you very much. Who would throw away such a fanciful delicacy, you ask? The Walgreens down on 5th. Itchy Dave dug 'em out the dumpster. They was right on the top! But you know Itchy Dave. He ain't want nothing to do with 'em. Some people do not appreciate the finer things, mon aimees. Greasy, congealed pearls before swine.

Peggy and her new beau might be up under the 17th street overpass tonight. I saw her yesterday down near the mission and she said they might even get some hooch with the money they got from sellin'  plasma. Sausages and a cocktail, that would be somethin', boy.

I generally stay away from the mission on account of the proselytizing, but sometimes you just have to accept Lord Jesus as your savior to get you some tube socks, you know? I don't see any other reason to—except these here Vienna sausages, naturally. They better than any old water-walkin' anyhow. I mean, what's that ever done for anybody?

A guy I tramped with down Baltimore way used to say, “Jimmy, there's two things you need to know about this here life:  one, keep your feet elevated to reduce the swellin' and two, a man will always trade Jesus for a good lookin' woman!” And don't you know he was right. Too bad so many of good ones freeze during the night.

Once Peggy was talkin' how we should get down south. Now this was way before she done hooked up with that fella. Them fools is inseparable now, thicker'n thieves. But you know, she ain't laid eyes on these here Vienna suasages. Ol' Jimmy's got a few trick up his sleeve.

A woman, some fine cuisine and the hair of the dog what bit me! Now that'd be the life, brother.

That'd be the life.



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