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ISSUE #138
 
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Features

ArrowA SUSTAINABLE MESSAGE FROM OUR DECIDUOUS GUEST EDITOR
It's all about the green
Anthropomorphized Tree

ArrowCUBA, NEW MEXICO
Ian Murphy's shit-kickin', torture justifyin', police pummelin', hallucinatin' hippie cross-country horror vacation

ArrowPICK A CRIME
John Dolan is poor as hell

ArrowDIVE ARTISTS
Dems "lose" another health care fight Allan Uthman

HAPPY BIRTHER-DAY, MR. PRESIDENT
A Birthday Card for Obama!

Arrow I'M EATIN' PEOPLE FOOD TONIGHT
A BEAST Reader Opinion

ArrowUNCIVIL WAR
Cousin against cousin in the Battle of Gmail
Eileen Jones

ArrowMEDICAL EXPERTS: PALIN "TOO STUPID TO LIVE"

ArrowA YARD SALE IN CHERNOBYL
Joe Bageant Doesn't like supermarkets

ArrowAMERICANS OUTRAGED AT SUDDEN REALIZATION INTERSTATE HIGHWAYS ARE GOVERNMENT-RUN

Departments

ArrowThe Beast Page 5 Death Panel

ArrowWaxy Beast: Man Man at the Tralf
by Steve Stevenson

ArrowBEAST-O-SCOPES!
Your completely accurate horoscope

[sic] - Your letters

 

The BEAST PAGE 3 DEATH PANEL

Name: Death Panel

Turn-ons: Death, dying, refusing life-extending treatment based on productivity levels, Nazi Germany, Pol Pot

Turn-offs: Extraordinary measures, The Schiavos, retards and old folks.

How we got to be The BEAST PAGE 3 DEATH PANEL: Well, they’re calling us “end of life counseling,” but Death Panel just sounds so cool! And besides, old people are just so annoying, don’t you think? They smell funny. They clog up our highways and shopping centers. They’re afraid of Barack Obama. They make us talk on the phone when we’d rather be playing video games. They complain about everything. Honestly, aren’t you tired of them? I know I am. When the elderly are euthanized, America is youth-enized!

Future plans: Well, once the bill gets passed, I’ll be knocking off the elderly and feeble-minded like tin cans in a shooting gallery. Request denied motherfuckers!

How we’d like to be remembered: As the one thing Sarah Palin got right. Well, you know, sort of. Okay, there’s no such thing as a Death Panel. Still, it sounds pretty cool though, right?



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