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Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
I know you want your country back, Leo, but there are some Iroquois gentlemen here who have a much stronger claim.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
I have seen the long form birth certificate, Virgo, and it’s the weirdest thing: Turns out it’s just a regular fucking birth certificate you douche.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
I know you’re upset about the way the new GI Joe movie differs from the original cartoons, but consider this, Libra: You’re a grown-up now.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
If you want your ex-boyfriend to leave you alone, Scorpio, I suggest you stop sucking his dick.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Don’t forget to cash your Social Security check after you drop your grandson off at public school, Sagittarius. Otherwise you won’t be able to buy those “fight socialism” bumper stickers you wanted.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Your child isn’t failing at school because of our sexualized media environment, Capricorn. She’s just kinda dumb.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
If you wanted to make it look like a suicide Aquarius, you shouldn’t have shot him in the head three times.
Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
Yes Pisces, you may be nothing more than a collection of dancing atoms, held together by spiritual energy and at one with universal consciousness. But you still need to move your car at 9am on Thursday or you’ll get another ticket.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Your numerous internet postings that Miley Cyrus “isn’t that hot” are probably beneficial, Aries, considering that she’s 16 and you’re 47. Weirdo.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
I really hate to tell you this, but eating hot food doesn’t make you more of a man. De-seed the jalapenos, Taurus, and stop pretending it doesn’t hurt.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It’s not that you’re not good-looking enough to be famous, Gemini. You’re just not good-looking enough to justify your total lack of talent.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You could live an exemplary life in all other ways, Cancer but you’d still deserve to go to hell for misusing the word “literally” so often.
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