THE
BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2002
At
times like these, when our government is telling us (and
the rest of the world) to get on board for a war halfway
around the world, it can be instructive to take a moment
to consider who the real enemies are right here at home.
No doubt you have your own pet people to despise from among
the nation's political, cultural, and media establishment,
but without further ado, here's our list: THE BEAST 50 MOST
LOATHSOME PEOPLE IN AMERICA.
50.
BOB WOODWARD
Misdeeds:
Unseated one president and then spent the rest of his career
sucking up to politicians through expense-accounted lunches.
Wrote a 10-part series profiling Bush's White House after
9/11 that read like a "Penthouse Forum" letter.
Clearly fantasizes about giving advice to second-tier senators.
Aggravating
Factor: Robert Redford went on to be a pompous Hollywood
institution, too.
Aesthetic:
Typewriter-bearing decommissioned drag queen.
49.
LYNNE CHENEY
Misdeeds:
Most wives of elite politicians take up charitable causes.
Dick Cheney's wife teamed up with Joe Lieberman to form
a group called the American Council of Trustees and Alumni,
which drew up a blacklist of academics whose patriotism
was judged to have "fallen short" in the wake
of 9/11. Among the targets: the president of Wesleyan University,
who said that "disparities and injustices" in
American society can provoke violence, and a University
of Oregon professor emeritus who said that "we need
to understand the reasons behind the terrifying hatred directed
against the U.S. and find ways to act that will not foment
more hatred for generations to come."
Aggravating
Factor: Wrote a novel called Sisters that contained lesbian
themes in 1981; currently freaks out every time her openly
gay daughter is mentioned by journalists.
Aesthetic:
Bea Arthur's nasty mother on The Golden Girls.
48.
TONY BLAIR
Misdeeds:
Not an American, but might as well be: being America's bitch
counts. It used to be that politicians sold out their constituents
to larger domestic interests; now, with power and money
largely spread across borders and centered in transnational
companies, politicians have the option of selling out entire
countries. Blair's recent pronouncements about the Iraqi
threat were so obviously scripted in Washington, it was
embarrassing.
Aggravating
Factor: Recently attempted to outlaw one of England's last
distinguishing silly customs-fox hunting. Can goofy hats
and bisexual thespianism be far behind?
Aesthetic:
Slavish young p.r. exec who flatters the CEO before disappearing
to read foot fetishism magazines in the bathroom down the
hall.
47.
JAY LENO
Misdeeds:
Pathologically driven entertainer whose success came as
a result of his work ethic: in his youth he did more than
300 shows a year in Boston comedy clubs. Like most comedians,
his drive obviously derives from a rapacious inner self-hatred,
but unlike most comedians, he expresses this not in self-deprecation
or actual humor, but in a frantic, painful public quest
to retain his job through a galactic volume of horrible
jokes and shameless flattery. A few years ago it was Bill
Clinton dick jokes, this year it's bin-Laden-cave jokes;
whatever sells, just keep pumping them out.
Aggravating
Factor: Told 18,802 political jokes in his first ten years
on the Tonight Show, not a single one of them funny enough
to keep Dick Cheney off his show.
Aesthetic:
High school hard-luck case who made it big and is rubbing
it in.
46.
TREY ANASTASIO
Misdeeds:
The pied piper of Vermont, Anastasio and his Phish bandmates
have brainwashed white kids into believing that not showering,
eating mushrooms, and listening to a jam band play cover
songs is the path to enlightenment. When he stopped touring
with Phish, their fans had no choice but to follow fifth
and sixth-rate jam bands, giving rise to the beyond-awful
Widespread Panic, String Cheese Incident, or any other whimsically
named group of slapdicks that think adding bongo drums and
a mandolin makes for good music. Anastasio's one redeeming
factor is that at least one kid has probably died by choking
on a glow stick at one of his concerts.
Aggravating
Factor: Doesn't even encourage kids to do drugs. Kept Relics
magazine going after Jerry Garcia's death.
Aesthetic:
High school A/V club moderator meets art teacher.
45.
DAVID BROOKS
Misdeeds:
The author of a lengthy self-love letter entitled Bobos
in Paradise: The New Upper Class and How They Got There,
Brooks has arrived as the official autobiographer of the
new elite. His vision of the new upper class-"Bobos"
stands for "Bourgeois Bohemians"-is that of the
end result of a grand historical effort at meritocracy,
i.e., everyone who is rich deserves to be rich, not because
of any Social-Darwinist superiority, but mainly because
they have... good taste. In an amusing twist on Fukuyama's
End of History, he claimed that the Bobos' taste in furniture
represented the apex of the human effort at interior design,
one that would never need to be improved upon.
Aggravating
Factor: On Bobo mating: "[On] the Times weddings page,
you can almost feel the force of the mingling SAT scores.
It's Dartmouth marries Berkeley, MBA weds PhD... and summa
cum laude embraces summa cum laude (you rarely see a summa
settling for a magna-the tension in such a marriage would
be too great)."
Aesthetic:
Turbocharged IKEA customer.
44.
CHARLOTTE BEERS
Misdeeds:
Was last year named Undersecretary of State and placed in
charge of government propaganda. A former Madison Avenue
ad executive who made her name marketing Uncle Ben's rice,
Beers referred to the United States as an "elegant
brand" and the President and Secretary of State as
"symbols of the brand." Boasted that her target
of a 30 percent conversion rate among Muslims was "a
sales curve that any corporation would envy. "
Aggravating
Factor: Is a close friend of Martha Stewart.
Aesthetic:
Empowered, sexually active menopausal.
43.
TOM BROKAW
Misdeeds:
There's just something about this guy that makes you want
to reach for a sharp object every time you turn on the news...
Maybe it's his heavily marketed image of smug self-righteousness,
or maybe it's the fact that The Greatest Generation, his
vapid catch-phrase stretched to book length, was a monstrous
best-seller. Hunter Thompson once said that Nixon's idea
of a good joke was a paraplegic who couldn't reach high
enough to vote Democratic, but Brokaw is a person that it's
hard to imagine has any idea at all of a good joke.
Aggravating
Factor: He commented on NBC Nightly News that while the
Office of Homeland Security might have sounded like a name
from a "totalitarian regime," the 9/11 attacks
"proved that something in America has to change."
Aesthetic:
The quirky fourth in a golfing party of Dupont executives.
42.
MICHAEL MOORE
Misdeeds:
Every would-be oppositionist in the country has lined up
to blow Moore every since he put out the amazing film Roger
and Me, anointing him as a leading political figure and
a brilliant creative mind even though he's been an unfunny,
egomaniacal blowhard for over ten years now. Moore wears
his dissident credentials not on his sleeve, but on his
head and his waistline: his mesh baseball cap and fat body
are now the leading brand-ID marker for political discontent
among the narrow, incestuous "enlightened left"
demographic. Gertrude Stein said that "A mouth is a
mouth is a mouth"; Moore shows that a media darling
is a media darling is a media darling.
Aggravating
Factor: The O'Reilly Factor is a hundred times more entertaining
than TV Nation ever was.
Aesthetic:
Upper-class poor hygiene and grooming habits disguised as
working-class sloth.
41.
LOU DOBBS
Misdeeds:
Whenever you're in the mood to have someone stare you in
the face and say, "People like me are overeating and
laughing at your failure because our high-paying advertisers
manipulated the market," you can always turn on Moneyline.
The pioneer of the snorting, this-is-where-the-action-really-is
Wall Street TV program appears to be gaining four pounds
a year, a remarkable number given that he was nicknamed
"The Fat Pig" in CNN's New York studios 15 years
ago.
Aggravating
Factor: Repeatedly soft-pedaled his coverage of Arthur Andersen's
role in Enron; the firm had sponsored his "Business
Unusual" show between 1997 and 1999 and paid him for
speaking gigs.
Aesthetic:
Mostly sexless gray-hair-and-suspenders look, tinged with
a faint trace of submerged sadism.
40.
CRIS CARTER
Misdeeds:
Is a former cocaine addict who found God and became even
more insufferable afterward; said, upon leaving the Vikings,
that it wasn't about the money but that he wanted to win
a championship, then subsequently blew off the Rams to visit
the Browns; set the cause of the black man back a hundred
years by appearing as a slouching yes-man next to Dan Marino
and Cris Collinsworth on HBO's Inside the NFL.
Aggravating
Factor: Wouldn't play this year for a mere million dollars.
Aesthetic:
Expensive but failed attempt at elder-statesman look.
39.
JOE LIEBERMAN
Misdeeds:
Is short; is vengefully unprincipled; seems like the kind
of person who out of all of the people solemnly hanging
their heads at a funeral would be most likely to be thinking
about calling his pollster. Wishes he weren't Jewish, so
that he could be John McCain. The poster boy of the Democratic
Party drowning in its own vacuity, frantically discharging
political ballast in order to reach the surface.
Aggravating
Factor: Makes Al Gore seem human.
Aesthetic:
A high-school principal who gives taller kids twice the
usual amount of detention.
38.
TOM CLANCY
Misdeeds:
America's Tolstoy. Writes vast epics in which all the characters
are either enemies or law enforcement operatives trying
to reach the ear of the president. Describes an SS-20 the
way Flaubert would have described Emma Bovary's dress. In
a staggering indictment of our intellectual climate, he
is beginning to be taken seriously as a literary figure.
Aggravating
Factor: Jack Ryan films make it harder to appreciate Harrison
Ford's early movies.
Aesthetic:
West Point career counselor.
37.
JOHN RITTER
Misdeeds:
Chevy Chase was funny when he was falling down, but with
this guy you feel upset that he's acting and not really
falling on his face. Another great example of how things
have gotten worse since the 80's: while Three's Company
was tolerable in an amusing, lowest-common-denominator kind
of way, 8 Simple Rules... has no denominator at all. Like
most of our entertainment, it's just there, like mold. Its
basic message is the continued employment of John Ritter,
which in this celebrity-obsessed, E! Entertainment era is
actually a marginal kind of genuine drama for many viewers-and
that should scare the living shit out of all of us.
Aggravating
Factor: Janeane Garofalo says that "He took the worst
show on television (Three's Company) and made it good."
Aesthetic:
John Ritter-like. The whole point of being who he is is
that he has his own aesthetic.
36.
DAVID HOROWITZ
Misdeeds:
Made off with one of the great intellectual quidae pro quo
in American history, exchanging his radical roots-Horowitz
was a founder of the excellent Ramparts magazine of the
sixties and an intimate friend of Black Panther Huey Newton-for
a new role as a denouncing ex-radical conservative. Predictably,
it paid off in a series of hugely lucrative book contracts
and regular gigs as a campus speaker (including a recent
spot at UB). It's safe to say that he would rather switch...
than fight. The National Review pays a hell of a lot more
than Ramparts.
Aggravating
Factor: Recently argued that anyone who advocates radical
change, including organizations like the Center for Constitutional
Rights and the Lawyers' Guild, is guilty of criminal treason
even if they do not commit criminal acts.
Aesthetic:
Conservative who wears a sixties beard and unkempt thinning
hair, probably for marketing purposes.
35.
THE UNBORN CHILD OF J-LO AND BEN AFFLECK
Misdeeds:
Failing to abort self in earliest stages of development.
Exhibits remarkably limited facial expression (the two presented
so far are barely distinguishable from each other) and virtual
no emotional range outside of fatuity.
Aggravating
Factor: Already a tabloid darling.
Aesthetic:
J-Lo meets Stephen Dorff.
34.
PAT ROBERTSON
Misdeeds:
Won't rest until we're all on our knees, praying to Jesus
and dreaming of jobs at Wal-Mart.
Aggravating
Factor: Back in 1992, said this about apartheid in South
Africa: "I think 'one man, one vote,' just unrestricted
democracy, would not be wise. There needs to be some kind
of protection for the minority which the white people represent
now, a minority, and they need and have a right to demand
a protection of their rights."
Aesthetic:
Inquisitor-perfect hygiene.
33.
MICHAEL BAY
Misdeeds:
Unfortunately, the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor contained
all of the elements that Bay and his producer Jerry Bruckheimer,
and 14-year-old boys love: America's armed forces, explosions,
jingoism, and a ragtag group who defy all odds and ultimately
save the day. He also contributed Bad Boys, The Rock, and
Armaggedon to the national oeuvre. A constant guest at the
Playboy Mansion, he's always featured in the party pictures
section with a sly grin, open bathrobe, and a blonde bimbo
who almost certainly has one of the following: fake tits,
a shaved snapper, a kitten, or the lack of a male role model
in her adolescence which led her to believe that men will
only like her if she has fake tits, a shaved snapper, and
a kitten.
Aggravating
Factor: Made $25,000,000 for directing Pearl Harbor. That's
approximately $25,000 for each man whose memory he dishonored
with that abortion of a movie.
Aesthetic:
The love child of Craig Kilborn and a Golden Retriever.
32.
THOMAS FRIEDMAN
Misdeeds:
Mustachioed New York Times columnist who is celebrated in
polite society for his "thoughtful" and "brave"
political positions, for instance the decision to run a
column entitled "Give War a Chance." Believes
the entire world should be forced, militarily if necessary,
to accept the American model of prosperity, which he calls
"The Golden Straitjacket."
Aggravating
Factor: Author of perhaps the worst and most mentally displeasing
metaphors in the history of the English language, terms
like "BisCzarism" and "The Electronic Herd."
Aesthetic:
Bit actor on 70's cop show; Buick salesman.
31.
MICHAEL EISNER
Misdeeds:
Disney owns half the planet, makes shitty movies, and drapes
the teen landscape with no-talent sexual narcissists like
Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and Christina Aguilera.
As CEO, takes home hundreds of millions of dollars every
year while paying Bangladeshi textile workers 15 cents per
t-shirt and Vietnamese toy-making laborers 8 cents an hour,
four times less than the state subsistence level of 32 cents
an hour.
Aggravating
Factor: Makes you feel guilty about putting money in his
pocket by watching Monday Night Football.
Aesthetic:
All forehead and tie; archeologists will one day study those
jaws.
30.
SHERYL CROW
Misdeeds:
Wrote the modern-day "Don't Worry Be Happy" with
her hit, "Soak Up The Sun," which is about "Not
having what you want, but wanting what you've got."
The song is about having a crummy job that doesn't pay enough,
and the very instant it was recorded, Crow sold the commercial
rights to the song to American Express.
Aggravating
Factor: Refused to allow VH-1 to use footage of her in her
pre nose-job days as a backup singer for Michael Jackson.
Aesthetic:
Self magazine cover girl.
29.
BILL O'REILLY
Misdeeds:
At least Rush Limbaugh was funny every now and then. This
new monster deals in untrammeled viciousness and invective,
and his "Talking Points" help the Great Beast
out there to reduce the entire world to six-word bulletins.
He does a lot of waving and snorting at his guests whenever
they disagree with him. To watch him is to be inspired to
thrilling hatred, which may explain his ratings success,
beyond the fact that 90% of the public buys him as real
journalism.
Aggravating
Factor: Claimed on the air that his former show, "Inside
Edition," won a Peabody award when it didn't; assailed
Tom Arnold for allowing highly entertaining former criminal
Michael Irvin on "The Best Damn Sports Show, Period."
Aesthetic:
Brothel customer who won't pay a dollar over the list price,
occasionally gets rough and takes a long time.
28.
STEVEN SPIELBERG
Misdeeds:
Onslaught of films that are full of "wonder" and
"splendor" and small innocent boys with bowl haircuts
in confusing/terrifying situations. Thirty-year creative
progression was from mechanical fish to mechanical lizards.
You will want to kill many innocent people after seeing
Always.
Aggravating
Factor: Made you root for Ralph Fiennes in Schindler's List.
Has a palace in the Hamptons the size of Belize.
Aesthetic:
Wears baseball cap to remind people he was a director once,
only he doesn't wear them on the set anymore.
27.
GREGG WILLIAMS
Misdeeds:
Who calls a 7-step drop-back pass play on second down when
your team is on the opposing team's 20-yard-line in OT?
Who does that?
Aggravating
Factor: So constantly in terror of losing his job that he
probably has not noticed how ugly the Bills' new road uniforms
are.
Aesthetic:
A dentist who you never warm up to in years of treatment.
26.
DENNIS MILLER
Misdeeds:
It's that look he gives you when he laughs at the camera
after a punch line, as if to say, "Man, can you believe
I pulled that reference off?" Forget the fact that
the dark shadow he cast over professional football has yet
to be lifted; forget even that ABC had an "Annotated
Dennis Miller" page on its MNF site to help football
viewers grasp the odd reference to Titus Andronicus in the
third quarter of the Ravens game; all you need to know about
Dennis Miller is that he made smart-alecky-ness into an
industry even less interesting and threatening than machine-tool
building. Is also perhaps the most irritating corporate
pitchman in history.
Aggravating
Factor: Spoiled the satisfyingly ridiculous Wesley Snipes
vehicle Murder at 1600 with his "Get a load of me playing
a cop!" performance in a supporting role.
Aesthetic:
Big Chill-style yuppie who smokes the occasional joint and
livens up the Greenwich Village dinner party with a surprising
vagina joke.
25.
GEORGE PATAKI
Misdeeds:
Only shows up in WNY to announce eminent sodomizing of Erie
and Niagara County denizens by way of deals swung with leaders
of a separate nation who will occupy various landmarks without
the consent of citizens, garner staggering profits from
the meager estates of the humblest patriots from the occupied
region, take a little cut for himself, then sell that shit
to the zombies in the more easterly sectors of the state
as economic growth hoping to beg their votes predicated
on ignorance. Probably would have thrown Buffalo (and pretty
much any other aging outstate work horse) out of the barn
in the wake of 9/11 if it weren't for the suburban vote
outweighing the voice of urban frustration and the New York
State Constitution.
Aggravating
Factor: Will serve another term due to his ridiculous posturing
and the influence exerted on the Democratic Party's consciousness
by the mischievous Clinton twins.
Aesthetic:
A clean-shaven Michael "Meathead" Stivic with
a gag comb-over wig.
24.
FAITH HILL
Misdeeds:
Achieved immense fame with undetectable relevance. You know
who her husband is, what health problems her infant child
has suffered and how fucked up her relationship with Tim
McGraw is, yet, you have no idea what she does for a living
or any skill or any interests she possesses. If you do know
she is a country singer, you can't hum any of her songs
or claim with any certainty that you've seen her in the
same room with Christina Aguilera.
Aggravating
Factor: Coupled with the fame of her husband they have relegated
the memory of her relief-pitcher great father-in-law Tug
McGraw to that of a parent of Country Music's answer to
George Michael.
Aesthetic:
"The other woman" in any B-movie crossed with
Barbie of the Mattel family.
23.
OPRAH WINFREY
Misdeeds:
Eyes, like those of a fish, are too far apart; is a gigantic
self-directed industry and the "World's Girlfriend."
A little-discussed offense is Winfrey's role in pushing
horrible literature on America; one appearance on her show
is enough to launch vile schlock like Joan Wester Anderson's
The Power of Miracles to the top of the bestseller list.
A leading citizen in a world where rich people are neither
black nor white.
Aggravating
Factor: The University of Texas now offers a course called
"Oprah: Race/Business in America."
Aesthetic:
Proud self-improver; a triumphant "After" picture.
22.
WILLIAM REHNQUIST
Misdeeds:
Most people target Scalia and Thomas as the chief knee-jerk
lunatics on the Supreme Court, but Rehnquist-who as a Republican
pollster in the sixties was known to try to scare away blacks
at polling places-is the only one of the three who actually
has a real grasp of the law, which makes him much more dangerous.
Wrote a violent dissenting opinion when the Court banned
executions of the mentally ill.
Aggravating
Factor: In the Bush v. Gore case, wrote, ""The
individual citizen has no federal constitutional right to
vote for electors for the President of the United States."
Aesthetic:
The extreme evolution of the southern cop who breaks your
taillight.
21.
TONY ROBBINS
Misdeeds:
Gave birth to a generation of self-obsessed psycho-isolationists
who avoid the news and reality in general as a matter of
principle and concentrate on the "positives"-usually
sales-related jobs and anything else that makes them "happy."
Aggravating
Factor: There are a lot of people just like him out there
now.
Aesthetic:
Robust, tall, perfect teeth, everything you're not.
20.
TIGER WOODS
Misdeeds:
He has refused to align himself with any specific race because
of his complex ethnic make-up and this confuses his detractors
and leaves pot-bellied, country club, Johnnie Walker swillers
perplexed when trying to apply an appropriate and effective
racial joke or epithet to him. He also refuses to align
himself with his native country in international competition
if any of his corporate sponsors is simultaneously hosting
a high-stakes tournament. He will however pose as any one
of a handful of ethnicities in his gluttonous TV commercial
orgy. He just looks like his breath stinks.
Aggravating
Factors: You'll hear golf pundits, whatever the fuck that
is, talk about Woods achieving his dominance in a period
when there are so many great golfers. Horseshit. You would
have never seen Nicklaus or Palmer quake and crumble in
fear during the final round of tournament after tournament,
like Mickelson and Duval do, when hearing Woods thunder
down the fairways behind them. His greatness, like that
of the late Michael Jordan's, is sullied by the sheer absence
of any significant talent out there to challenge them in
their time.
Aesthetic:
With his hat off, he looks like Zippy The Pinhead born to
the union of Alfred E. Neumann and Hop Sing from Bonanza.
19.
SARAH JESSICA PARKER
Misdeeds:
Every time you think there might be a Roy Jones, Jr. fight
on HBO, there's Carrie Bradshaw and her gaggle of nervous,
self-hating bourgeois Manhattan sluts fretting about their
latest three-month relationship that may or may not turn
into marriage. America took all the fun out of sex years
ago by talking about it publicly so much; now we have shows
that talk about talking about sex. It's a wonder any man
in Manhattan can ever get an erection.
Aggravating
Factor: Seemed to think her performance as "The Broad"
in State and Main was ironic.
Aesthetic:
A woman's idea of what a sexy woman looks like.
18.
BOB KERREY
Misdeeds:
Commanded the Navy-Seal massacre of 21 people, mostly women
and children, at the village of Thanh Phong during the Vietnam
War, won a Bronze Star for his efforts, and then was made
an even bigger hero after the news came out for bringing
home the "pain and sorrow" of Vietnam war veterans.
This past year, he "confronted" his personal media
tragedy by putting out a shallow, apparently hastily-written
biography entitled When I Was a Young Man that glosses over
the yucky stuff and generally presents the killing part
as a typically painful coming-of-age story.
Aggravating
Factor: Clearly still wants to run for President and will
probably get his chance one day.
Aesthetic:
X-Files facial structure, burning eyes, dull suits.
17.
KEN BURNS
Misdeeds:
Telling that horrendous misrepresentation of the War Between
the States from a dizzying Yankee slant. It has been called
a war of attrition, but the Civil War (the actual war, not
to be confused with Burn's more lengthy documentary of the
same name) would have been over much sooner had the Yankee
and Rebel soldiers faced each other over a grave trench
and instead of mailing their letters home-the letters read
throughout Burn's fantasy-read them to each other until
they all fell victim to apoplectic seizures triggered by
vicious infections of excruciating boredom.
Aggravating
Factor: He has continued to film his versions of historical
drivel in the same torturous style. He made an entire nation
of Volvo-driving Ikea addicts-with their disposable income
earmarked for donation to a TV network that shows mostly
sewing programs and shows trying to teach project kids the
alphabet-believe they now know something about baseball
and jazz. That's dangerous shit.
Aesthetic:
Mister Rogers's soothing voice and Dudley Moore's harmlessness
with a haircut and beard taken from Dobie Gillis.
16.
ARI FLEISCHER
Misdeeds:
Wherever he ends up placed on this list will not be high
enough. This motherfucker carries G.W. Bush's demon seed
in his anal womb, gestates a fresh offspring a couple times
a day and produces a few Rosemary's steamers at press conferences
with all the non-chalance of a Spot Coffee latte jerk. Fleischer
is the very bold assertion, by the powers that be, that
Americans and their media representatives are too whip-shy
to just say, "Wait a fucking minute. You're telling
a goddamned lie, Fleischie." He is a brazen challenge
from the tri-laterals and Bildenbergs, etc., that they know
that we, as the TV umbilical-cable-dependent, won't do anything
to jeopardize our little no-compulsory-military-service,
double-mocha-under-a-self-contained, climate-controlled
indoor-suburban-shopping-theme-park-with-a-Botox-safety-net
dream.
Aggravating
Factor: He is less life-like than every other who has stood
in his rank. Within weeks, there promises to be empirical
evidence that Fleischer was produced by the same laboratory
that gave us Nixon tron John Dean.
Aesthetic:
C3PO melded with Carson Daly operating off a modified Charles
Grodin chip.
15.
JIM ROME
Misdeeds:
Like Woods (see #20), he is also raceless but he co-opts
a hackneyed litany of passe hip-hop culture tag lines. He
makes Sportscenter seem daring and cutting edge. He abuses
the first amendment from both radio and TV on a daily basis.
He has about as much insight into the athlete's psyche as
does Joyce Brothers or Elton John. Rome is pathetically
enamored with his emperorship over his cretinous listener-subjects.
He abuses his mastery over the caller-participants of his
show like some half-wit from King of the Hill who was made
manager of a third-rate drive-thru. The only references
he seems to have from the world of normal people are exhibited
in his frequent mentions of his "college days,"
which appears to be the last time Rome spent any time around
a human being that he wasn't interviewing. He has reset
the standard for the kiss-ass, doormat interviewer when
questioning difficult and press-shy stars.
Aggravating
Factor: Recently re-signed radio deal. He can't seem to
reconcile with the fact that many towns and large markets
don't want him on the air and he will not shut up about
it. He's like some relentless, piss-soaked street bum that
gets belligerent when you tell him you can't give him any
money today. He's whiny and colossally judgmental on the
scale of Rush Limbaugh.
Aesthetic:
G.I. Joe with default goatee if he were drawn by the guy
that does the Gil Thorpe comic strip.
14.
EVE ENSLER
Misdeeds:
Writer of the of the grossly overrated Vagina Monologues,
which, according to Ensler herself, "explores the humor,
pain, wisdom, and mystery hidden in vaginas." Her play
has become a phenomenon despite the fact that it is a Meredith
Baxter-Lifetime movie but with lots of synomyns for cooter.
Has convinced literally millions of women that they derive
their identity not from their thoughts, taste, actions,
or beliefs, but from their hairy, smelly vaginas. Likes
to think that she's being provocative by using the word
vagina a lot and making lots of puns to advertise her play.
e.g., "spread the word", "think inside the
box." Here's a clever pun for your campaign, Eve: "This
play's dialogue is tighter than a 12-year-old Thai prostitute."
Aggravating
Factor: Started V-Day, a campaign which seeks to end violence
against women worldwide in five years by enlisting the likes
of Brooke Shields to wear t-shirts with a red V on them.
Wholeheartedly believes that asking Claire Danes questions
like, "What would your vagina say if it could speak?"
is the path to end thousands of years of violence. (Claire's
answer: "Hooray for this!")
Aesthetic:
Women's Studies professor at a Pennsylvania liberal arts
college.
13.
SEAN HANNITY
Misdeeds:
Without question one of the most smarmy, vile, hypocritical
talking heads on television. Has the uncanny ability to
vilify and generalize those who disagree with him, and then
state that he's not a partisan person. Exploits his devout
Catholicism and patriotism to the point that it makes you
think he's selling something-like his book, whose cover
features his giant head in front of one of the glossiest,
waviest American flags ever. Much of his wrath can probably
be traced to his displeasure that Reagan still can't remember
his name although he's met him many times.
Aggravating
Factor: Since 9/11, pretends to be genuinely convinced that
anyone who disagrees with the Bush administration does not
want America to be safe.
Aesthetic:
Repressed kid from Long Island who got to college, was scared
of sex, discovered other repressed white kids in conservative
student group, joined them, devoted rest of life to blasting
people who didn't.
12.
EMINEM
Misdeeds:
Expecting people to care about his shitty childhood because
he is white. Dissing his mama. Lifting weights after he
got famous. Is the official voice of white teenage suburban
boys. Has already worn out his shock value to the extent
that his next album will have to include slurs against parapalegics
and land-mine victims just to raise eyebrows.
Aggravating
Factor: For someone who sells millions of records partly
due to making fun of other people, has no sense of humor
about himself.
Aesthetic:
Trailer-trash cracker with just a hint of Down's Syndrome.
11.
LEE GREENWOOD
Misdeeds:
Penned the not-so-subtle propaganda ballad, "God Bless
the U.S.A." This guy should actually embarrass most
Southerners. Seems to be under the impression that he has
a career of some sort.
Aggravating
Factor: Entire career rests on whether or not the United
States is at war with somebody.
Aesthetic:
The straight, leather jacket-wearing twin brother of Christopher
Lowell.
10.
ASHLEIGH BANFIELD
Misdeeds:
Uses glasses to upgrade her image from WASP-y soccer mom
to WASP-y soccer mom who reads. Thought dying her hair black
would make her a real journalist. Cried on camera while
reporting from Ground Zero.
Aggravating
Factor: Has quite possibly the whitest name you can imagine.
Her name is the equivalent of a black person named La' Shawna
Jackson-Watkins.
Aesthetic:
Co-chair of the Elk Woods Country Club charity golf tournament.
9.
KARL ROVE
Misdeeds:
Many will wonder why George Bush isn't on this list. Well,
he is-in the person of White House strategist Karl Rove.
Known in Washington as "Bush's Brain," Rove was
a legend for many years among bar-frequenting Texas journalists,
who noted that the insane drunken ramblings that came out
of Rove's mouth on Sunday night often escaped Bush's lips
on Monday afternoon. The inventor of such transparent lunacies
as "compassionate conservatism" and the hidden
hand behind much of the post-9/11 imagery surrounding the
presidency, Rove is even better and more ruthless at his
job than mean-spirited cancer victim Lee Atwater, and his
presence virtually guarantees continued Bush rule through
2008.
Aggravating
Factor: In 1970, he used a false identity to gain entry
to the campaign offices of Illinois Democrat Alan Dixon,
who was running for state treasurer. Once inside, Rove swiped
some letterhead stationery and sent out 1,000 bogus invitations
to the opening of the candidate's headquarters promising
"free beer, free food, girls, and a good time for nothing."
Aesthetic:
Boss Hogg with a CPA.
8.
ROBIN WILLIAMS
Misdeeds:
After a stint as a slightly annoying, but amusingly tolerable
cokehead, Robin Williams decided he wanted to be a serious
actor. His first incarnation was that of an iconoclastic
goofball who upsets the stuffy establishment with his hijinks,
while making people laugh and ending the movie with a tearful,
impassioned plea to live life to its fullest. After that,
Williams took it upon himself to remind everyone how great
the human condition is because no matter how many times
life gets you down, you can still laugh, and that's what
matters. He is now in his I'm-a-serious-actor-because-I-can-be-scary
phase of his career.
Aggravating
Factor: Even though everyone already kisses his ass, he
still feels the need to win people over on TV appearances
with those madcap improvisational impressions that he's
been doing for years. His latest standup comedy tour and
HBO special was akin to a 22-year-old hanging out at a high
school parking lot, trying to prove he's still cool.
Aesthetic:
Your short, hairy, annoying uncle
7.
CARDINAL ROGER MAHONY
Misdeeds:
Represents everything that is corrupt and wrong in the Catholic
Church. As archbishop of Los Angeles, Mahony personally
lobbied for and oversaw the construction of the $189.5-million-dollar
Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels, despite protests against
a "fat cat cathedral" and evidence that the site
chosen was a sacred Indian burial ground. The cathedral
also boasts two conference centers, separated by a cafe
and gift shop, with catering,, projection screens, and high-speed
DSL access. Apparently, the LA archdiocese is unfamiliar
with the Bible passage where Jesus throws the money changers
out of the temple, or the part about a rich man getting
into heaven being like a camel going through the eye of
a needle, or the part that says you should not molest children,
or just about any part except that one passage where Jesus
takes a break from washing a leper's feet to relax in the
elegant atmosphere of an air-conditioned conference center.
Aggravating
Factor: Exactly 16 days after the dedication of the cathedral,
Cardinal Mahony announced that the Archdiocese of Los Angeles,
the nation's largest, would have to lay off 60 workers and
cut eight programs due to a $4.3 million dollar deficit.
The cardinal explained that the deficit was actually not
related to the cost of the cathedral, but was in fact due
to losses from investments in the stock market.
Aesthetic:
Close your eyes and picture someone that acts like a CEO
and protects people who molest children. Can you picture
him yet? Now put a little red hat on him and a bunch of
fancy robes. There you go!
6.
2002 USA BASKETBALL TEAM
Misdeeds:
Too egregious even to mention; all should have their passports
revoked and be deported to Myanmar.
Aggravating
Factor: Ben Wallace repeatedly abused under the basket by
Argentinean forwards.
Aesthetic:
Hip-hop in retreat.
5.
MARY KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN
Misdeeds:
Their entire life up to this point. The Olsen twins starred
as the precocious Michelle on the abysmal Full House, a
television show so vile that any sensible person would rather
watch an abortion gone horribly wrong than sit through five
minutes of it. As of this date the twins have sold 29 million
books, 1.5 million albums, and 30 million videos. They also
have their own line of video games, a magazine, CD-ROMs,
and a fashion and lifestlye line available at Walmart which
teach young girls that it's OK to be walking through piles
of shit as long as you have a cute skirt and flirty earrings.
Aggravating
Factor: Their company expects to rake in roughly 1 billion
dollars in sales in the next year, which hopefully a crooked
manager will steal from them because these sluts are already
worth $38 million each.
Aesthetic:
One half Britney Spears, one half Andres Serrano's Piss
Christ
4.
BONO
Misdeeds:
This walking sunglass ad earnestly believes he was born
in precisely the right era to seize the moment and sell
all the Bono he can get rid of to a wandering Diaspora of
displaced lefties who are so certain their world encompassing
only the simple conflicts of apartheid and rogue whaling
would get them into their 50s. For all his worry and empathy
directed toward the tribulations of the afflicted, he sure
has a lot of time left over for schlock pop songineering
and post-hipster cinematic abortions.
Aggravating
Factor: He becomes visibly more inane and pandering by the
video-byte and yet shows no sign of fading from our view.
Aesthetic:
Stockard Channing circa-Grease meets Bob Geldof circa-Sun
City with a computer-projected 23-year aging factor.
3.
YOU
Misdeeds:
Your life is an empty void from birth to death, and you
think that just because you reproduced, you invented the
wheel. Emptiness on a grand scale is the crime of celebrities;
the rest of us are lost in a sea of misdemeanors... each
other.
Aggravating
Factor: We're one of you.
Aesthetic:
None.
2.
TOM GRUDNOWSKI
Misdeeds:
CEO of Fair Isaac, the nation's largest credit scoring agency,
and the one primarily responsible for the system that allows
auto amd health insurance companies to charge vastly higher
rates to people who have faulty credit histories. It's bad
enough that you can't get credit if you have some problems
in your past; now your late Visa payments might make it
harder for you to drive or see a doctor.
Aggravating
Factor: Anonymous nature of credit industry makes it virtually
impossible to find any personal information about one of
the most powerful people in the country.
Aesthetic:
A faceless ghost who hovers like a cloud over most people
every day, infecting them with worries.
1.
ANN COULTER
Misdeeds:
Goebbels with tits. The phenomenon we all should have seen
coming; the merger of bimbo sex appeal and neo-fascist vituperation.
In an age when every Hollywood hero is a CIA administrator
and people express their rebelliousness by playing the stock
market, it only makes sense that we'd have a sex symbol
who lobbies to massacre foreigners and forcibly convert
the survivors to Christianity. Charlene Tilton seems a distant
memory.
Aggravating
Factors: Explaining political sympathies: "I love Texas
Republicans! They're these beautiful women, they're so great-looking,
they're completely loaded. They're dripping in this gorgeous
jewelry." Believes John Walker Lindh should be executed,
so college liberals will understand that "they can
be killed, too."
Aesthetic:
Eva Braun meets Sex and the City meets Alpha Rho Lambda.
