Taibbi: Smooth Flat Space

Pitt: The Color of Bush's Sky

The Truffle Solution

Taibbi: That's Infotainment!

Halliburton:Corporate Evil by Allan Uthman

"Real Job" Correspondent

Axis of Stupid Gains a New Member

Buffalo News "Bad for Eyes"

Angry Black Man

Perfect World News:

AOL Takes Back CDs

Local Spotlight

Your View


Evil Document


Kino Korner (Movies)

Page 3

Celebrity Math

Separated at Birth?

[sic] - your letters


The Sports Blotter

Vitruvius Truth 





Baby Steps' Review Cubby - Hip-Hop

Archives--Old BEASTs

Contact Us

Electoral Sodomy...It's Your Ass by the Angry Black Man

          You’re all a bunch of pussies. All of you people who sit there watching C-SPAN at night thinking to yourselves, “I fucking hate George Bush! I want that rat bastard tied naked to a cactus in the Mojave Desert with his balls dipped in maple syrup upwind from an anthill!” I know there are lots of you just throwing shit at the television when he comes on the local news at 11 o’clock. You’re the same sniveling, self-loathing, pathetically impotent fuckheads who watched the State of the Union address and cried, “If Bush gets reelected, I’m moving to Canada!” Well, you pieces of shit, start packing and good riddance. 

            I make this sweeping indictment because I know you all are scared. For real, it’s a scary time out here. Fear and anger are wasted emotions. That’s the shit that’s gonna get Bush reelected. Misdirected anger is a waste because: 1) you only end up breaking shit you wish you hadn’t after you threw it up against the wall and 2) you know you’re not gonna do shit but complain about Dubya to your co-workers or friends who are just as disillusioned as your are or just don’t fucking care. Fear is only slightly better because at least you don’t annoy the shit out of everyone you know talking that shit, because you’re too afraid that opening your mouth won’t change anything. Thank you for keeping quiet, but fuck you all the same.

            I say this to the collective lot of “you” out there because you’re more important and influential than you think. I can see a lot of you getting really excited about some of the things left-of-center candidates are saying. I can see, in my Romper Room-like wand, Jimmy and Sally talking about how deep in their hearts they’d love to elect someone who understands the urgency of need for progressive politics in the White House. But (and this is a big but) they moan and gnash their teeth wailing, “WE NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN BEAT GEORGE BUSH!!” I just so happen to have a loaded shotgun for both of them to end their miserable lives with, before they experience electoral sodomy.  

You can’t and won’t win anything but a nicely lubricated park & ride up your poop shoot from John Kerry or Arsenio Hall a.k.a. Howard Dean with that political strategy. And let me tell you, having something stuck up your ass when you had something totally different in mind isn’t just deceitful; it’s down right immoral, man! 

The point is that if you want Kucinich to win, who cares if he looks like a Martin Short and Howdy Doody love child?! The reason he won’t win is because you won’t vote for him, you pussy! If you want to paint the White House black, go vote for Al Sharpton! Forget about his no lye relaxed hair and the fact that he always seems to be yelling for no apparent reason. If you want Joe Lieberman to win, well, he won’t win, and you can burn in Hell with the likes of Satan’s henchmen. But if somebody votes, someone’s gonna win and someone’s gonna lose.  And that’s where you come in. 

I know what you’re thinking too, you whiny dipshit. You’re saying, “What about the Electoral College? They [state electors] don’t really have to acknowledge my vote and could, if they wanted to, elect whoever the hell they want. Look at what happened in 2000!” This is absolutely right. So try and get one of your one of your so-called electable candidates to say they want to get rid of the Electoral College, and see how fast they disappear from the spotlight. Now ask some peripheral candidate to do it, and their reaction will be a whole lot different. Why? Because they have nothing to lose but airtime.  No fear. Why won’t it happen? Because we’re (including myself) lazy bitches. Unless we think about how tired we are of the ‘same old shit different day’ mentality many people live their lives in, we will continue to wallow in it.

It’s like in that movie Office Space, where the loser with the red stapler who doesn’t even really work there, after years of humiliation and mumbling under his breath, goes and burns the building down. And seeing, realistically, that no one is stockpiling weapons (of mass destruction or otherwise) for a guerilla-style coup, you may as well make a push for popular democracy. 

            So you watch one of the seven major candidates on pick-your-skewed-news channel and say to yourself, “That guy is really saying some shit I like,” or “This is such bullshit,” and come to a conclusion on who you are going to vote for. But don’t tell me your not going to vote because it’s all a scam, or that you’re gonna vote out of desperation to be rid of Bush, or it doesn’t matter who wins because they’re all the same; That shit is weak. Pressure works – just not always as fast as the American ADHD mind can handle. Black people don’t get hung, castrated, or burned alive nearly as much as they did a century ago, and now gay people can hold hands in most coastal cities in the U.S. without getting the shit kicked out of them or shot, and look how long that shit took!

            How did that happen? A whole lot of resistance, and knowing that politicians are pussies too. They’re like the customer service reps you talk to when you try to dispute charges on your cell phone service. They give you a long song and dance about how they understand your problem, and they’d love to, but can’t help you because they’re too busy reading a magazine while they’re talking to you instead of actually trying to solve your problem (they call it company policy, politicians give shitty government practices legal justification). 

            And you hang up out of frustration. Then, seconds later, in defeat and defiance, you call back mad as all hell, determined to get consolation and compensation. This time, they’ve hit the button that feeds the recording “We’re sorry, your call is very important to us…” and you wait, and wait and damn near wait until you almost forgot why you called in the first place. Then, while you’re daydreaming, thinking about food, sex, or television, you hear, “Thank you for calling, this is So-and-So, may I help you?” You argue for what seems like two hours, and talk to seven different managers (people in adjacent cubicles trained to reinforce what you’ve already heard). Finally, after lying to them about how you’re a small business owner who lost this amount of money because of their inefficiencies, they give you what you want. 

            Politics is the same way. It’s about who’s got more will (which, unfortunately, often translates into money) and who’s in it for the long haul. I won’t lie, the story is more complex than the ‘one man, one vote’ smoke and rhetoric that’s been blown up our asses since I don’t know when, but you gotta do something. And if after November, you still don’t think your action, your voice, or your vote is somehow meaningful, do us all a favor, and fucking kill yourself. 


letters to the Evil Editors should be addressed to:

© 2004 The Beast