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AOL
Forced to
Take Back CDs
In another wise and popular
decision today, the Supreme Court ordered AOL/Time-Warner to take
back all of the unsolicited promotional America Online CD-ROMs that
they’ve flooded the postal service with over the past few years.
How the giant media conglomerate will deal with the storage and
recycling of an estimated three billion CDs and cases in the US
alone “is their problem,” according to Chief Justice Ralph Nader.
AOL’s
CDs are a familiar sight to all, falling out of mailboxes and lame
publications everywhere one looks. In a vulgar display of total
disregard for social responsibility, the company produces and
distributes an estimated 30 million instant-garbage discs a month.
To put this in perspective, a million CDs stacked, without their
cases, is over three times taller than the Empire State
Building.
In
a prepared statement, President Zinn commended the Court’s
“prudent decision,” admonishing the popular Internet service
provider for “wasting valuable resources on an annoying marketing
ploy.”
In
a dissenting opinion, Justice Chuck D argued that AOL’s Board,
CEO, and Marketing Directors should be forced to store the offending
CDs “in they ass.” The motion, backed by Justice Rock, was
rejected by the majority as “good-hearted, but impractical.”
Justice Einstein’s Brain in a Jar explained, “it is physically
impossible to get that much mass into that amount of ass, especially
when the asses in question are so tight.” The Court also ruled
that the defendants perform 100 hours each of community service,
consisting of carrying mailpersons around on their backs while they
made their daily rounds.
AOL’s
lawyers were not surprised by the Supreme Court’s ruling. A
spokesman called the decision “predictable,” citing a string of
recent decisions against large corporations, and a general
“anti-business mood in the government.” When the Court ruled
corporate campaign contributions to be illegal several years ago,
most of the friends that businesses like AOL had in congress
promptly retired, leaving behind a new, more hostile legal
environment for big companies.
Microsoft CEO
Bill Gates, his own business empire recently dismantled for
anti-competitive practices, said it was “only fair that AOL gets
nailed too.” Gates spoke from his prison cell, where, as part of
his sentence, he now works as a low-level programmer for Apple
Computers. As for the Court’s handling of his own Anti-trust suit,
Gates was philosophical. “Actually, I was wondering how long I
could go on before someone finally took me down,” he said.
In a related
story, Holly “Sunshine” Cantner, of Buffalo, was ordered to
“deal with” a massive amount of plastic bags and coffee cans,
which she had collected “for recycling” at a string of
apartments. Cantner, who has never actually recycled a single
object, would apparently stuff every available cupboard and drawer
with such recyclable items, before moving out and leaving them to
her housemates to dispose of. “What a bitch,” said former
housemate Sarah Packenheimer. “She just couldn’t face up to the
fact that she was too lazy to go down to the recycling place or
anything. Meanwhile, the whole kitchen is bursting with fucking
garbage, and there’s plastic bottles all over the place. Plus she
fucked my boyfriend, slut.” In her defense, Cantner’s lawyers
said that Packenheimer’s boyfriend had “totally been all over
her for weeks” before she gave him a ride, and that Sarah
“should lay off the Ben & Jerry’s if she doesn’t want her
man to stray, ‘cause he’s a total dog.” The boyfriend had no
comment.
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