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Buffalo News Photos Declared Bad for Eyes
In a formal declaration last week, a group of
Western New York physicians announced preliminary findings that
indicate a direct correlation between the remarkably poor quality of
photos in the Buffalo News and a drastic regional upsurge in ocular
disorders, including double vision, esotropia (being
“cross-eyed”), and an inability to properly focus. Many
sufferers have actually displayed external visual symptoms, such as
blurriness, poor color fidelity and low resolution. The announcement
confirmed widely held suspicions that the News’ woefully
malfunctioning printing presses were damaging the eyesight of area
readers, as well as causing them to take on a fuzzy, distorted
appearance.
The study, funded by a consortium
of sufferers and News photographers, followed the reading habits of
out-of-focus area residents, finding a common thread of daily
perusal of the Buffalo News. “It’s a pretty unique outbreak,”
Said Dr. Milton Vendred, one of the lead researchers. “The only
precedent we can find is the nationwide Waviness epidemic of the
‘80s.” Waviness, which primarily affected adolescent males who
were trying to watch scrambled porn on basic cable, has virtually
disappeared since the proliferation of the Internet.
“I can’t even bear to look at
him,” said Rita Cullingash of her young, blurry son Gunter. “It
hurts my eyes, and I can’t make out his facial expressions anyway.
He always misses his mouth with his food; it’s a disgusting
mess.” Gunter is frustrated with his condition, but adds, “what
am I gonna do? It’s a one-paper town. I gotta get my local news
somehow. It’s not like the local TV chumps are filling the
void.”
The Buffalo News responded to the
announcement by repeating their often-made claims to have purchased
“new presses,” a tactic they’ve used often over the last few
years. Public reaction was doubtful. “They’ve been telling us
about these new printing presses for a while now,” said Joan
Crabtree, another cross-eyed News subscriber. “I’m beginning to
think it’s, like, their Canadian girlfriend, you know? They go on
and on about how great it all is, but I haven’t seen any
evidence.”
A spokesman for Warren Buffet, the
Buffalo News’ owner, said that the correlation between News
reading and eye problems is “dubious, and requires further study
before any action is taken” by the organization. “After all,”
he said, “what are you going to do? It’s a one-paper town.
You’ve got to get your local news somehow. It’s not like the
Courier-Express is going to take our readership, heh heh.”
Asked why Buffalo residents should
be expected to pay money for a paper of poorer visual quality than
any of a number of totally free local publications, Buffet’s
spokesman said people needed the News because “it’s the only
paper in town that gives us what we want: soothing, whitewashed,
opinion-free news, devoid of meaningful critical analysis. Where
else are you going to get that locally, except Artefakt?”
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