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Legalizing Pot Was A Really Good Idea
By Jimmy Garbanti
When I think back to the dark,
dreary days of marijuana prohibition, I can’t help but wonder,
“What the hell were we thinking?” After all, hemp legalization
has brought us many, many benefits, with no significant drawbacks.
If I had to say what one change we’ve made in our society that has
been the best, I would have to say it was hemp legalization.
Certainly, there have been other
big changes. The invention of the Integrity Detector, and the
institution of the Presidential Aptitude Test, forever barring
unscrupulous dimwits from leading us astray, was certainly helpful.
Rising salaries and educational requirements for police officers was
a good idea. The conversion of the Pentagon into a Montessori school
has, no doubt, been a great boon. And the freak catastrophic event
that hurled the deep Southern states into the Atlantic Ocean was,
while tragic, indisputably instrumental in our nation’s
But pot has brought us home. Our
trees can rest easy, now that we have a renewable source of paper.
Our hemp clothes are better quality than the old fabrics, and our
hovercars run on clean-burning Grassoline. Struggling tobacco
farmers have found far greater fortune in our number one cash crop,
Marlboro Red-Hair having become the single best-selling brand in
history. And let’s not forget the blossoming hash brownie
industry. The sick can alleviate their nausea symptoms, and I can
get really, really high, with no paranoia.
Let’s face it, folks—we must
have been nuts! All those silly ads about people drowning their
kids, running over kids, eating their kids, whatever—it all seems
so silly now, doesn’t it? In fact, violent crimes, political
unrest, speeding—all are on the decline. The only known drawbacks
so far charted—rises in chronic lateness and forgetfulness, are
more than alleviated by the marked improvement in the quality of
popular music, and the common fits of laughing that seem to be
afflicting everyone these days. TV shows seem better, too, but I’m
not sure if that’s just because I’m messed up or what. Whatever
it is, I’m totally grooving on it, cool?
Some people say that the pot
revolution is a bad, thing, that potheads can’t be trusted to
follow through or handle their responsibilities. Well, to them I say