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Vitruvius TruthAttacks
N.J., Democracy, and the Chinese way of life
Vitruvius
Truth has made love to many women. At turns graceful and elegant,
perverse and nasty, my truly international collection of
lays, spanning four continents, has made me a cosmopolitan man of
high standards and exquisite taste. That’s
why, when the New Jersey Nets fired Byron Scott, I was nauseated, as
though someone had gifted me an edition of Boccaccio’s Decameron
in the modern Italian. That’s
why, when the All-Star starters were announced, I felt uneasy, like
after paging through Mad Magazine’s vaguely sexual cartoons before
I had ever ejaculated, standing under the all-seeing CVS
fluorescents on trembling legs. Yes, I got that “funny” feeling
all over again, as my initial excitement gave way to confusion,
bodily weakness, and an obscure feeling of injustice. That’s
why, when Jim O’Brien resigned from the Boston Celtics, I felt
more than a twinge of melancholy. The fact that O’Brien was not
only Irish, but looked the spitting image of the Celtics’
leprechaun logo, only made the saturnine humor let flow its bile
more freely. Some
say the dual departure is a veritable serpent in the eagle’s left
talon; that the East needs to purge itself in order to wake up,
happy-fresh and clean from its enema, and compete with the West.
Some say we should blow up the moon, because it can only be done
once, and we can’t leave this glory to the degenerate future, a
future which may never materialize; that we should, no—that we must
concentrate all our energies on destroying the moon now! Before the
iniquitous Iraqis, the traitorous North Koreans, the plentiful
Chinese—or even the Great Sleeping Russian Bear—beat us to it.
Though such advice seems divine, upon closer scrutiny it shows
itself to be only deceitful folly in rags of wisdom. The true
interpretation of the coaching moves follows: Both
moves were symptomatic of the East Coast’s greatest ill:
organizations that kowtow to players. Jason Kidd Super Star (and
wife beater) fired Byron Scott. Scott took the Nets to the NBA
Finals each of the last two years, and the Nets were in first
place when he got the axe. This after New Jersey had gone 5.2
lustrums without a Finals appearance. But a couple of pompous
malcontents mutinied, and the yellow-bellied organization staved-in
to their stars’ demands. Although, in the short term, I expect the
Nets to thrive, that kind of craven surrender on the part of the
organization is not going to win basketball games in the future. The
same kind of perfidy occurred in Boston. O’Brien wanted to play
defensive ball, but the players apparently don’t get paid enough
to play defense. GM Danny Ainge wanted to go the way of the world,
acquiring athletic, imbecilic players (like Ricky Davis), who have
vertical leaps and no idea how to play basketball. Idiots. At this
pace, the East won’t compete with the West until the players are
twelve-fingered. __________________ As an NBA columnist, I am biologically
compelled to discuss the All-Star Rosters this time of year. Yes, as
the chrysanthemums blossom in the spring, and the cute, fluffy
squirrels bury their little nuts in the autumn, so I complain about
the choices of the “fans” and critique their butchered, Mengele-like
assemblage, the All-Star starting lineups. As
usual, the same hollow men, who think they’re big shit because
they shoot-up villains in video games, who think they’re on a foot
with the greatest men in the land because they got V.I.P. special
advanced screening tickets to Win a Date with Tad Hamilton,
who think that “dress-down Friday” is akin to the privileges of
kingship, so utterly fucked up the balloting that there’s little
I, the Media, can do to rectify it. Here are the always-reliable
masses’ choices, with my comments. Alas.
EastG
Tracy McGrady:
Should feel lucky to be a reserve. Learn to pass, McGrady! G
Allen Iverson:
Love him, but too many tattoos to be on the team. C
Ben Wallace:
The only center in the East. Congratulations, fans! F
Jermaine O’Neal:
Deserving enough. F
Vince Carter (leading
vote-getter for the 4th straight year): For the fourth
straight year shouldn’t be on the team. WestG
Steve Francis:
Shouldn’t be on the team. G
Kobe Bryant:
Shouldn’t be on the team. C
Yao Ming:
The Chinese are indeed an abundant people. Shouldn’t be on the
team. F
Tim Duncan:
The best player in basketball. Fans got confused or something, I
don’t know. F
Kevin Garnett:
Two of five does not justify democracy. So now that the creative American fans (and
Chinese armies) have maddeningly succeeded in voting for the exact
same starting lineup as last year, I offer the remedy of sanity. East ReservesG
Jason Kidd:
Unfortunately, Kidd must content himself as a player, not a coach.
Best point guard in basketball. Megalomaniac All-Star Supreme. G
Lebron James:
Like that asshole, Kidd, he deserves to start. C
Dikembe Mutombo:
Better than “The Lame,” Ilgauskas. Is playing really good D. F
Ron Artest: Maybe the East’s MVP. F
Paul Pierce:
First he gets stabbed, now this.
X
Michael Redd:
Wasn’t even on the ballot. X
Baron Davis:
Pretty good player. West ReservesG
A Half-Gary Payton, Half-Bobby Jackson Hybrid: The
greatest scoring point guard in history. G
Sam Cassell:
Best non-hybrid scoring guard in the game. C
O’Neal:
Just smile, wink, and hold out the product, Shaq. F
Peja Stojakovic:
Best player who shouldn’t start on this team. F
Brad Miller:
Putting him here instead of his listed center. X
Zach Randolf:
Plays better stoned than almost anyone. X
Pau Gasol:
Swears in Spanish when he dunks. My
apologies to Carmelo Anthony, Andrei Kirilenko, Jason Richardson,
and five Dallas Mavericks, who should use their enormous wealth to
mass-murder the fans for fucking up my lineups. Ahh,
at last, the seizures have ceased. O blessed sleep, tired nature's
sweet restorer, balmy sleep!
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