Corporate Fan-Mail

The February deep-freeze in Buffalo is always a good time to catch up on correspondence, and to foster new connections for a new year. In these changing times, fraught with regime change and fascistically centralized corporate control, it seems that everything old is new again, especially here at the BEAST. In this spirit, we thought it appropriate to resume sending our occasional missives to those who make the products that enrich our otherwise empty lives. Once again, we have received warm and caring responses to our messages, our favorite companies revealing their near-human compassion, and fear of litigation.

Dear Makers of PrepH,


I've been taking your product for over a week now and my hemorrhoids are even worse. I even tried taking them with milk to reduce acidity. Not only do they not work but taste horrible. Maybe you should try a gel coating. My stomach feels all strange and hot for hours after taking them, and I still can’t sit down right. I don’t know how your company stays in business with such an unpleasant and ineffective product. Do some research or something.


Painfully Yours,

Dick Hedley

Mr. Hedley:

Thank you for contacting us regarding Preparation HÆ (FF) Hemorrhoidal Suppositories.††† We are sorry for the unfortunate experience you described and your comments have been forwarded to our Global Safety Department for reporting.

Please be advised that Preparation H Suppositories should be inserted in the rectum.† This product should not be ingested.† Please discontinue use of the product in this manner and seek advise from you physician or pharmacist.

We would like to obtain your full mailing address as additional information may be requested from you.† We would like to assure you that any information you provide will be kept confidential, as we do not see information or solicit.

Wyeth Consumer Healthcare is firmly committed to the manufacture and sale of only the finest quality products. Should you have additional questions, please call 1-800-322-3129. Our offices are open weekdays, 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. EST.
Sincerely,

Tonya
Product Quality

Dear Ikea,

Recently, I purchased a bed from your Conshohocken location. It was relatively easy to put together, and so far I'm pleased with it. However, I found your inclusion of separate "assembly instructions for Jews" to be outrageous and offensive.

What unfathomable motive could Ikea have to package such patently insulting and unnecessary material with their products? I don't know--maybe this type of gratuitous anti-Semitism still flies in Sweden, but if you want to make it in the new world, you need to get a clue. Although I prefer the design of your products to the shoddy Michael Graves crap at Target, I'm sorry to say that I will no longer frequent your stores, as long as you spread hate, and I will encourage my friends and family to do likewise.

I expect a prompt reply and explanation for your company's egregious behavior.

Dear Mr. Roblowski,

Thank you for taking the time to contact IKEA with your concerns.

We regret that you have been caused to take these steps based on your experience at IKEA. We will fully investigate the situation that you have described and assure you that we take this matter very seriously.

To facilitate our research, we do request additional information regarding the products that you purchased. This information will allow us to examine remaining pieces of this product and determine what our next steps should be in our exploration.

1) Product Information

*The name and 8-digit article number of product

*The 5-digit supplier code

This information can be found on the package label on the box and will assist us in identifying the specific bed that you purchased and the supplier that made the bed for IKEA.

It is possible that there are several components to the bed; please provide the information for the specific item that contained the assembly instructions that you described in your e-mail.

*Faxed copy (of noted page or entire document) of assembly instructions that you have described. Please let me know if you are able to fax this information to my attention at 410-931-9434.

2) Purchase Information (from purchase receipt).

*Series of digits in upper right-hand corner of receipt

Ex: 0163 0211 015

*Date of purchase

Can be found on lower portion of receipt

After we receive the requested information and further research the situation that you have described, I will be able to provide a full response and advise of our findings.

Thank you again for bringing this situation to our attention.

Sincerely,

Melissa Robinson

 

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