Goldhaber Gone Wild!

UB Professor and Republican Push Pollster Runs Amok in the Caymans

One of the uniquely odd traits indigenous to the conservative elite is an unnerving hypocrisy, borne of shame and self-loathing. No one can actually maintain the level of internal repression and subjugation of desire that our right-wing brethren prescribe as mandatory to a virtuous existence; this is why we’re always hearing about clerical molestations, philandering evangelists, and pill-popping pundits. Repressing your baser appetites only works for a while, and when they do emerge, they will inevitably be more twisted and dark than they might have been had you just learned to relax and let them go in the first place.

Take the case of the now-infamous Gerald Goldhaber, a UB Associate Professor and owner of Goldhaber Research Associates, a successful polling firm, which has been accused of conducting misleading polls, "pushed" in favor of his clients by use of leading questions and automatic dialers. Goldhaber also uses his own students to conduct polls, among other things.

As you no doubt already know, Goldhaber was busted recently, at his condo in tax-shelter nation the Cayman Islands, with 9.8 grams of pot (about 1/3 of an ounce), 4.35 grams of ecstasy, a bunch of crystal meth (in a bitterly unjust travesty, ‘trailer crack’ is not illegal in the Caymans, but pot is), and 2 strapping young lads, students of his. Perhaps the conservative prof was instructing his pupils in the teaching methods of the ancient Greek philosophers? Maybe the students’ exceptional class records had earned them exclusive tickets to Goldhaber’s annual Caligula party? Whitewash reports intimate that the poll-slanting putz simply could not have any history of drug use, and Gerry’s lame excuse is that the twenty-something gents asked him to procure the drugs, but I ask you: what self-respecting (poor choice of words?) collegiate asks a sixty-year-old republican communications professor to score dope, especially if he has no experience with narcotics in the first place? This explanation is absurd on its face, and no one has bothered to point this out.

Normally when we hear a story like this, we say "poor guy; sucks to be him." But this wonk is just the type who would be calling for someone’s head over similar circumstances. The same elitist swine who would talk of "keeping these scum off the street" if some black kid got busted here with the same stuff are rushing to Goldy’s defense, arguing that his "fall from grace" is more than punishment enough for the pitiful pollster.

But this is no isolated incident. A typically soft Buffalo News Article describes Goldhaber as "a man…who enjoys hanging out with his students and is generous with them to a fault. He hosts parties for them, buying tickets to sporting events and even inviting them to his vacation homes in the Cayman Islands and Cape Cod."

Let’s face it; that’s a little weird. The motivations for Gerald’s ‘generosity,’ in light of his recent exploits, seem a wee bit suspect to us. The ironic thing here is that the obviously bored Cayman cops wouldn’t have suspected a thing had it not been for the smell of weed drifting from Goldhaber’s den of iniquity. In other words, had the nutty professor just stuck to the hard dugs, he could be planning his next ‘field trip,’ perhaps this time to Athens, or Amsterdam, for his especially dedicated extra-credit kids.

We hope that Gerry can get over this chapter of his life, and reinvent himself as looser, happier guy; someone who’s at peace with himself, and doesn’t give a crap what the rest of the world thinks. We also hope he finds himself a nice, steady boyfriend, and learns how to bribe foreign police more effectively. Good luck, Goldy!

Possible Mitigating Factor: The Goldhaber Curse


In the process of researching this story, we ran across a strange and spooky phenomenon, the Goldhaber ‘dork’ curse. When we ran an image search on the Web for "Goldhaber," we found a more disheveled, bespectacled Poindexters than you could shake a slide rule at! The impossibly disproportionate science-nerd factor in the Goldhaber pool must mean something, we reasoned, but what? Could it hold the key to Gerald’s imbalanced behavior?


Theory #1: Reclaiming lost youth: Perhaps Goldhaber carries a mutated "geek gene" in his DNA, which has led to social ineptitude and feelings of inadequacy throughout his life. Now, having finally learned how to interact socially with young adults, it’s time for Goldhaber to relive his college days right, complete with narcotic and sensual experimentation.


Theory #2: War of the Wimps: The Goldhabers are an alien race of superior beings, here to document our civilization before its inevitable destruction. Cleverly disguised as nebbishy egg-heads, they are free to move among us unnoticed, and unmolested. Having first infiltrated our academic realm and conducted reverse experiments on the extreme flexibility of human opinions, special agent Gerald has been dispatched to experience the decadent party lifestyle, which the Goldhaber aliens have only recently discovered, now that they can program their VCRs.


Theory #3: Occam’s Razor: Goldhaber is a horny old self-flagellator, who digs getting high and exploiting his money and authority, and is now tremendously shocked that the rules we all labor under also apply to him.



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