Satanists Wreak Havoc - A West Side street is still experiencing "bad vibes" after a group of satanists abandoned the house they were illegally squatting in. The mysterious group of gothic freaks moved into the house on Busti Avenue several weeks ago, according to a neighbor, and could be heard chanting "some kinda Haitian voodoo ritual" nightly. Police found several dead chickens, incense and empty liquor bottles. "We’ve been expecting something like this," Officer Jim Martin said, "The Major Crimes Unit told us the Dark Lord was summoning his forces to this area for Armageddon and this is only the beginning. We’ll have to really board this house up good to keep the evil from spreading." Anyone with information regarding this devil cult should probably keep it to themselves if they want to exist in the New Order.

Spot Coffee Owners Skip Town - Mike and Sally Morin, owners of the pretentious Spot Coffee shops abandoned the operation and disappeared on February 9. Skipping out on creditors and investors with bagfuls of cash, a $60,000 loan from the Buffalo Economic Renaissance Corporation, and $667,000 in unpaid taxes, the couple laughed their way into the ranks of successful local entrepreneurs fleecing the city. "It’s really easy," the Morins' chuckled, "Buffalo’s so desperate for business they’ll throw money at anything. I mean, come on, we did a stock offering, for Gods’ sake, and these yokels bought it up like we were a legitimate company." Reputable new owners have taken over and local business development organizations are actively seeking new ventures to piss taxpayer money away on.

Priest Molests Boy - Surprise! Proving that Protestants are just as perverted and shitty as Catholics, Marilla Lutheran minister Douglas D. Thore admitted to getting a couple of boys to thump his bible. The admitted incidents took place "over a decade ago," beating out the statute of limitations for kiddy-fiddlin’, but we’re betting he failed to mention some more recent young Davids who may have encountered his Goliath. No young boys came forward this week, but we’re confident this space will be filled by our next issue.

Smoker Freezes To Death - 22-year-old Michael Weese was found dead in a snow bank behind the Delaware Cafe over the weekend. Inebriated friends thought he stumbled up to the Holiday House and quickly forgot about him. Police surmise the man went outside in compliance with the smoking ban and passed out in sub-zero temperatures, still clutching one of his beloved cigarettes. Cellino and Barnes immediately took the case and plan to sue the bar, its patrons, his friends, the police, the hospital, its doctors, the tobacco companies, and the city, state and federal governments as soon as a next of kin is located.

County Executive Plans City Takeover - In a clearly totalitarian move on Wednesday, Joel Giambra announced his intention to take over the City of Buffalo and declare himself a "God-like entity." It’s no secret Giambra plans to usurp the power of city government and bend it to his evil will, but residents were surprised at his outrageous statement of aggression. "Because this action is constitutionally impossible," Giambra admitted in his address, "I have no choice but a military solution. Resistors will be rounded up into concentration camps and forced to hard labor on one civic building project after another. Anyone who speaks the name of this former city with even the slightest inflection of pride will be summarily executed along with their family, friends, and neighbors." Giambra’s ambitious plans call for the annexation of nearby municipalities in hopes of sparking a nationwide populist revolution eventually leading to worldwide domination.

Cheektowaga Man Charged With DWI - A police DWI checkpoint nabbed Joseph Nsziesiky early Wednesday morning on his sixth drunken driving charge. Nsziesiky, 39, a house painter from Cheektowaga wearing Bills Zubaz, was taken into custody after miserably failing a standard sobriety test on Niagara Street. Police noted a strong smell of alcohol emanating from Nsziesiky and open containers in his beat up Camaro. After his arraignment, Nsziesiky swore on the graves of his children he was not drunk but "taking cold medicine." When asked where his childrens’ graves were he admitted his ex-girlfriend took them to North Carolina five years ago, but reasoned, "They’re gone, so I can swear on them to you’se guys." A court date is set for April.

Neighbors Exact Street Justice - An East Side neighborhood is back to normal after a frenzy of violence in which an abandoned house frequented by drug users and street people burned to the ground. According to an anonymous participant, "We waited ‘til they were all passed out and surprised them." The victims were allegedly rounded up and herded outside where neighbors took turns whipping and beating them before slitting their throats and dismembering the bodies. Police were unable to find any evidence of the supposed brutalities except for a massive amount of blood on the front lawn and quickly abandoned the case. Block Club President Johnny Allen said "This is a warning to all the scum out there: Next time we won’t be so gentle." A police spokesman urged citizens to refrain from further vigilante action saying, "These guys are still entitled to life, liberty and uh... you know, all that stuff."

Tampons Clog Toilet - Local news hag Carol Kaplan was rescued from her bathroom early this morning when a toilet exploded. "It was real bad," Fireman Bob Burke said, "She must’ve been flushing bloody tampons down there for years, but it was a series of really massive [bowel movements] that finally clogged the pipes and allowed all that pressure to build up." Local plumbers declared the site a disaster area and sealed off the house while Kaplan was taken away for vigorous education in the proper disposal of sanitary napkins. Denying that her "[Bowel movement] stinks" despite testimonials to the contrary, Kaplan is currently undergoing a full mental evaluation to see if she’s healthy enough to continue pandering news to the lowest common denominator.

Hey, You Never Know Who Might Commit Fratricide - Two North Buffalo brothers got into a heated argument over a winning scratch off lottery ticket in a Tacoma Avenue apartment. Neighbors heard the two arguing and called police minutes before shots were fired. Michael Adams, 25, shot David Adams, 26, in the neck around 11 pm. on Saturday. The elder Adams is listed in critical condition at ECMC. His brother was arrested at a nearby convenience store and charged with attempted murder, felony possession of a deadly weapon, and public intoxication. The disputed lottery ticket was from out of state and not redeemable for the $3 winnings.