Turn-offs: Clear delineations between truth and fiction, informed voters, fact-checking, Martin Sheen

How I became the Beast Page 3 Photo Doctored by Republicans: Desperately grasping at straws to prevent the inevitable ascent of John Kerry to the Oval Office, my fascist wing-nut creator slapped me together while on a break from beating his son, and posted me on the internet, from where I was hastily picked up by salivating ‘respectable’ news sources around the world. The rest is rewritten history!

Future Plans: Well, so long as John Kerry is the front runner for the Democrats, most of my efforts will be focused on destroying his image and hopefully his family as well. However, before I leave Buffalo I may set fire to a synagogue and blame it on the local Arab community, plus I was thinking of planting WMDs in the offices of The BEAST.

How I want to be remembered: As the only photo that ever made Bill O’Reilly climax live on television. I would also like people to remember me as one of the images that helped to bring John Kerry’s live infant sacrifice and consumption to light. Ultimately, my main goal is to be remembered more clearly by more people than the stories of my falsehood and miniscule retractions which will follow my publication.