Aries(March 21-April 19)

Aries, your camera-phone is not interesting to anyone but you. I marvel at your obliviousness to the vacant stares and forced smiles of your helpless victims as you force them to look at grainy, pixilated images of your boring friends, obnoxiously holding your offensive technology in their faces. While traditional forms of social interaction, such as eye contact and conversation, may seem obsolete and abhorrent to you, most people still prefer them, and your insistence on preventing them is turning you into a pariah. Even your mom thinks you’ve lost it, Aries.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Hide the drugs now, Taurus; the cops are on the way. You shouldn’t have shorted all of your customers by a gram, especially with your moon in Cancer. Someone was bound to figure it out sooner or later, you dipshit; you’re not the only one with a digital scale. Now skinny Fred is so pissed, he’s turned you in from a payphone. Look to Venus, Taurus, and start running.

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, if you’re going to wear miniskirts and fishnet stockings in the middle of February, then you shouldn’t complain about how cold it is all the time. Maybe you should take a break from being the most blatant slut on Chippewa long enough to restore the circulation in your legs. Nobody will think your boobs are hot when they’ve got frostbite all over them. Don’t worry, you can still orally service your coke dealer with a pair of jeans on, you skank.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, you have cancer. I hate to be the one to have to tell you, but your lack of health insurance makes me the only one in a position to diagnose you. I suggest you spend your final weeks training as a sniper, and then pick off the Chief Officers at every HMO you could never afford on your too-rich-for-Medicare poverty-level income. Who cares if you get caught; you’ll be remembered as a folk hero when you die, which will be any minute now. Don’t despair, Cancer; at least you can start smoking again.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, your plan to merge the city and county governments is totally ludicrous and you know it. Just imagine these self-preserving entities ever making any moves to undermine their bloated, worthless existences! I know what you’re doing, Leo—it’s just another pointless circus to distract the voters from your total lack of integrity, as well as another funnel for you to pour our money into. Look to the stars, Leo, and then jump in a well. Maybe you should star smoking again.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, you are going to hell. I know you think you’re a nice guy and all, but sleeping for hours in an idling truck is an environmental crime on the order of watering your lawn with gasoline. Just because other people do it, that’s no excuse. They’ll all be there in hell with you, you hopelessly shortsighted fatso.

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Stop procrastinating, Libra, and write that essay. I know, I know, she’s really cute, and she seems like she might dig you, but nobody’s going to dig you when you’re digging ditches for a living. Your professor already gave you an extension; there’s no hope of passing this semester unless you go home now and pound your term paper out before dawn. The chick will only want you more if you leave her hanging, dummy. Is she worth another year of listening to your stupid asshole dad’s demoralizing lectures? Come on, Libra, it’s just state school; they’ll pass anything.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Stop giving homeless people money, Scorpio; you’re just making life harder for the rest of us. If it wasn’t for pushovers like you, these freeloading nutjobs would have found some other method of scraping by, but instead I have to deal with them bugging me every time I want a pack of smokes. Don’t pretend you’re motivated by kindness or generosity; you’re just a terrified pussy. It’s like a passive-aggressive mugging with you. Why don’t you grow a pair? Just say “sorry, man,” and keep walking, you dysfunctional lifestyle enabler.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Sagittarius, your Harley-Davidson motorcycle ruins the quality of life for all of those around you. Just the other day, when you rode by my house, I missed an essential piece of dialogue, totally screwing up my “Law and Order” viewing experience. Of course, I had seen the episode before, but we’re not talking about me here. Your ridiculously loud hog makes we want to bash your thoughtless brain in, you tired clichÈ of a human being. I wish that I could say that no one thinks you’re cool, but there are plenty of braindead tattooed white trash bitches out there who don’t quite follow the loud-bike-small-dick connection. Enjoy your wasted existence,

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Capricorn, people are simply tired of your shit. I know it and you know it. The next time you start up with your “you’re all just drones in the great bee hive man” bullshit, someone is going to punch you in the face. Think about it the next time your useless ass cashes your Social Security Disability check. The only person more corrupt than you is the doctor who approved your benefits claim. Look to Venus, Capricorn, and give some thought as to why your only friends are drunks and deadbeats. Have a good night on the town; the rest of us have to get up for work in the morning.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, it’s fine to have a hobby, but keeping hookers chained up behind the furnace is not a good one. Just because you like to read aloud from the Bible, it doesn’t mean that others want to hear it. In fact, the fear-laden cries of those women should be a fairly good indicator of that. Look to Neptune for guidance, Aquarius, and please let those girls go before this thing gets out of hand, and you start giving more thought as to why you purchased that new shovel and box of “Lawn and Leaf” Hefty Bags.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)