by Greg Fischman

By now, you probably know the best drinking, dining, and pizza spots in Buffalo. While everyone has their own opinion on what’s the top place, all can agree that sooner or later, all that greasy food and those diuretic beverages will send you to the poopatorium. However, none of our local media outlets have offered Buffalonians the vital john-knowledge they require to make informed toilet-oriented dining, drinking, and shopping choices. Until now. The BEAST has taken up the challenge of picking out the best restroom facilities around town, through a highly selective process. Equipped with nothing but a bottle of laxatives, 40s of Olde English, and a large container of California prunes, we nitpicked for the finest. Various factors come into account when choosing where to deposit your excrement, including quality (and quantity) of toilet paper, square foot measurements of stalls, and automatic sinks to prevent direct genital to surface contact. Cleanliness, above all, plays an important role, but at times it may be worth the hygiene sacrifice for some types of aesthetic pleasures.

While the price of your mocha-frappacino may get you a trans am in Middle America, the bathrooms do deserve some recognition. Whether it be a tall, grande, or venti shit you need to drop, you can count on Starbucks to have you covered. All locations have clean, modern bathrooms that would lead you to believe the men from Will & Grace worked cleanup. In addition, numerous locations provide seat covers to protect your ass from indirect contact with that of a middle management suck who still thinks it’s cool to hang out here.

Past the Bills fans, drinking away yet another unsuccessful season, lays a bathroom that excites you with a trip down memory lane. Enter the pre-bathroom hallway and you will find yourself gazing at a montage of sports history with pictures of everyone’s favorite golfers, sure to get you psyched for the Masters. All of this excitement on one wall will build up hype in your mind for a bathroom above the rest. Unfortunately, the bathroom isn’t decked out like the entrance hallway. However, strategically placed bulletin boards are hung above the two urinals at a level for a man of average height. The bulletin boards make sure that the duration of your urination is spent wisely, updating you with the Buffalo News’ box scores, and cab company phone numbers to avoid having to use one of our lowest-ranked bathroom facilities, the Amherst precinct’s.

Let’s face it; you’re already a baller if you’re hitting up the O.G. Not all, though, can handle an unlimited portion of breadsticks and a bottle of Zifindales repackaged in a fancier bottle in one sitting. So when nature calls, excuse yourself, head back to the lobby and walk into the number three spot in town. Here, you will find yourself at ease in the large bathroom listening to classical music that you can close your eyes to and pretend your meal is costing you a lot more than it really is. Bathroom’s location near people waiting to be seated can be uncomfortable at times because, if you spend an abnormal amount of time in there, it is clear to all when you walk out that you are responsible for the damage. Luckily, at the Olive Garden you can get away with the crime, as everyone is impatiently looking down waiting for their circular table pager to light up and vibrate, as if they are going to be the next ones called up by Rod Roddy for "The Price is Right."

If you’re the type of person who thought malls weren’t fun, think again. The Galleria Mall provides numerous facilities on different floors, usually with no wait. The only reason you would be holding it in here would be deciding on which bathroom you want to hit up this time. You’ll wonder why you ever wanted to lay foot in all 50 states before you die, when you could get the same thrill hitting up every bathroom in the Galleria. With an age law in effect in Buffalo, one must be 18 or older to party and piss in the Galleria. With that in mind, you don’t have to worry about that 15 year-old pseudo-punk outfitted in a Simple Plan t-shirt and Pacific Sunwear jeans pissing all over the seats or leaving a floater in the toilet to be a rebellious anarchist.

Hands down (or hand down depending on your grip), the CFA currently holds the title for best bathroom in Buffalo. While this beautiful, well-maintained bathroom would please all, it plays an even more important role for students trying to find tranquility during a busy day. All urinals are equipped with space dividers, so you’ll never find yourself in that predicament of whether or not to take a leak with the guy right next to you. Furthermore, the stalls are of such a generous size that you may find yourself teary-eyed when parting ways. The stalls provide convenient hooks to hang your jacket and bag, and two different options of toilet paper for wiping: regular mount roll or the continuous long roll that requires the special circular holster the size of the wheels on your old Huffy. Finally, the victorious stalls also offer discretion; only your shoes are publicly visible. With that in mind, dress to impress.