by Chris "Top Jimmy" Riordan

While all of you attached people celebrated Valentine's Day last week, did you ever stop for a moment and think about the lonely, singular people out there who had no one to buy roses for or take out to dinner?

Of course not; you're a self-absorbed asshole. Well, for your information, lots of us were all by ourselves on February 14, and couldn't participate in the romantic rituals normally associated with Valentine's Day. And when groups of people are restricted in some way from celebrating a holiday, they get jealous and decide to start their own holidays to rival the one they are excluded from. That's why the Jews started Hanukkah right around Christmas time.

Well, anyone without a significant other is allowed to celebrate the holiday I invented. It's called Vanhalentine's Day. Because even if you don't love anyone and no one loves you, everyone loves Van Halen!

To celebrate Vanahlentine's Day, all you need to do is play a little air guitar and hum the riff from "Hot For Teacher." Or, if you’re lazy like me, you can just lie on a cot and trip out to the sounds of your favorite Van Halen album.

If you decide to go out and put a few barley-pops back in honor of Vanhalentine's day, try to keep your conversation centered around Diamond Dave and the boys. Mention things like, "Isn't it interesting how a band known primarily for it's guitar player's skill has for it's biggest hit a synthesizer-driven song like "Jump?" or, "David Lee Roth has looked like an old man since he was seventeen.” Whatever you do, just make sure everyone knows you’re having a good time celebrating Vanhalentine's Day, and you ain't talkin' bout love!