Name: artvoice.com

Turn-ons: Tepid criticism, Forever Elmwood, Content, John Kerry

Turn-offs: Journalistic integrity, The Lexington Co op, freezing parades

How I became The BEAST Page 3 Inexplicably Defunct Website: Hell if I know. Here I am, the electronic manifestation of an oddly successful local paper, and suddenly everyone’s too lazy to even paste a few lousy articles into me. It’s been months now, and all I can say to anyone about it is "artvoice.com is coming." How weak! Hell, even The BEAST has a reasonably functional website, and they can’t afford toothpaste.

Future Plans: Well, I’ll just be hanging around, wincing with embarrassment every time I get another hit, each from one more disappointed Buffalo expatriate who will have to look elsewhere for pictures of theater nobodies and ass-kissing restaurant reviews.

How I want to be remembered: Frankly, I’d rather be forgotten at this point. I’m a formerly useful entity; now, stripped of my true purpose, I continue to exist for no reason, like Traci Lords. Remember me as I was, world, not as I am, please.