Crackhead Accosts Elmwood Ave. Shoppers - Police officers subdued an unidentified lunatic outside the Blockbuster Video store on Elmwood Avenue on Monday. Described as a “smelly, bearded psycho dressed in rags,” witnesses said the man was aggressively panhandling at the Wilson Farms across the street. “He asked me for five dollars,” said Brian Douglas, “When I told him to get lost he went nuts. I actually got sprayed with spittle. It was disgusting.” Officers hosed the bum down good with mace before group-wrestling him to the ground as onlookers cheered. Three new panhandlers immediately moved to fill the vacancy between Auburn and Breckenridge, assuring the public “We just need gas money to get back to Rochester.”

Masiello Sucks Albany Cock - Mayor Anthony “Lips” Masiello, a local “escort,” is being advertised in the State Capitol this week, doing his best to bring the bacon back home to Buffalo. His handlers have him on his knees working overtime in a back room off the Assembly floor, where legislators and their staff can take turns working him over. Some have reported being so satisfied with the experience they’ve gone back two and three times for Masiello’s expert manipulations. Last time, the Mayor brought home $759 dollars from a similar trip, and his pimps hope to break a $1000 this year.

Dogs Maul Owner - Neighbors of Salvatore Nunzio, 43, of the Lower West Side, were overjoyed when his vicious dogs finally turned on him. An incorrigible local bully, “Crazy Sal” was known to terrorize children, social workers and postal carriers with his two mangy pit bulls. “He was really paranoid about people coming onto his property,” one neighbor said. “You couldn’t walk by the place without being scared to death.” Police believe Nunzio slipped on the back porch and, once on the ground, the dogs quickly took revenge on their cruel master, leaving him in critical condition. The dogs subsequently escaped and are on the loose.

Many Windows Broken - The Brick Through Window Society held it’s annual Winter Blues competition last week, resulting in many thousands of dollars in damage throughout the city. The illegal Society is hell-bent on holding residents accountable for shoveling their sidewalks, and anyone who doesn’t is a potential target. “It’s a serious danger,” one participant said after taking care of a few houses on Lincoln Parkway. “The worst offenders are rich people on vacation and slum lords; they have no conscience and don’t shovel the snow, so people slip and fall on the ice or have to walk in the street. Tickets and fines don’t work; bricks do.” No arrests were made, and homeowners had difficulty filing reports because police could not approach many houses without four-wheel drive vehicles. “Once it warms up the Society will go back underground,” one officer said. “But you can bet they’ll be back next winter.”

Priest Molests Boy - Man, are we getting tired of reporting the foul deeds of Holy men. I mean really, come on, just what the hell goes on in seminary school that turns out such sick, wretched behavior on a consistent basis? The implosion of the Church in this country continued yesterday when Varysburg priest Fred Ingalls got busted by the Feds in the act of downloading child pornography on his computer. Authorities didn’t say if he was watching little girls or little boys being hopelessly scarred and destroyed for life, but we’ll just assume it was boys in accordance with all the other scumbag pedophile priests. Ingalls quickly moved to distance himself from the church, his community and heaven as he rushed home in a frenzy to get back on the Internet and finish whatever it was authorities interrupted.

St . Valentines’ Day Massacre - While most of us enjoyed romance and chocolate on the 14th, the animals of the SPCA were treated to a celebration of death. Thirty-seven cats and fourteen dogs were lethally injected in a nightmarish ordeal in order to “clear out some space,” according to an anonymous worker. “It was sad, people came down to claim their strays and they’d already been destroyed. We had to guard the dumpster.” Long thought of as a benevolent institution, the SPCA finally dropped all pretense and admitted their true business is killing unwanted animals because people don’t adopt them fast enough. Plans to make this an annual event will be challenged in court by Cellino and Barnes, who are representing the dead animals.

Shut-In Appears Outside - Shirley Anderson, a retired teacher, well into her 80s, was sighted on the front porch of her house yesterday. Wearing a ratty housecoat and smoking a Marlboro 100, the local recluse was seen receiving a delivery of two boxes, the first such daytime sighting of the woman in “at least eight years,” according to neighbors, who added, “We’ve lived next door for fifteen years and only seen her twice. It’s creepy.” The delivery was traced to a nearby liquor store, which confirmed that Ms. Anderson is a senile old drunk who orders two cases of Vodka every few months. “She’s one of my best customers,” said Al from Al’s Liquor Store, “Good credit, and I’ve never even met her personally. But I got a lot of customers like that.” Medical experts could not agree on what accounts for her longevity, the drinking, the smoking, or God’s cruel sense of humor.

Mardi Gras Madness - A fine celebration of drunken debauchery accompanied Fat Tuesday, including a decent semi-organized parade. Things started off fine at Elmwood and Forest with an ambulance and five police cars leading the way. It was mostly a pickup truck and van affair, every radio station, pizza joint and tattoo shop with a logo on their vehicle made it, as well as a few creative floats and stake trucks with the usual cast of local freaks. We loved the float with the punk band. Participants appeared to be freezing cold in the twenty-degree weather, and by the time the parade made it to an enthusiastic Chippewa Street all order broke down. The police escort melted away and part of the parade got trapped just before Delaware Avenue during a small bottle-throwing incident. Drunken revelers moved onto Delaware, stopping rush hour traffic to wave the last of it through and almost got killed by a beer truck. No count on how many injuries were suffered by people falling from speeding floats, but we saw a few that looked painful. Bars did great business for a manufactured event that has little cultural relevance for local Polacks, Micks, and Guidos, but who cares, this is a drinking town! Thanks to all the ladies who flashed this year, all one of you.