God Sues Mel Gibson

Almighty Seeks Screenwriting Royalties, Story Rights for "Passion"

Mel Gibsonís highly publicized new movie, The Passion of the Christ, enjoyed a huge opening last weekend, with no abatement of public interest in sight. The controversial movie, which portrays a particularly gruesome vision of Jesusí final sufferings, has outperformed even optimistic expectations, grossing $125 million, twice what it cost to make, in only three days.

Many moviegoerís have reported the film to be an awesome spiritual experience, reaffirming or even rekindling their faith in Christianity. But there is at least one famous Christian who isnít pleased at all with the movie, God himself.

The Almighty announced his intentions today to take Gibson to court, seeking redress for several grievances regarding his alleged "uncompensated use" of the story, which God claims to have written in its entirety. "Whole sections" of dialogue from the movieís screenplay "were entirely lifted" from The Bible, Godís perennial global number-one best-seller, for which he also has yet to receive any money, God said in a prepared statement on Monday.

Martin Zoober, a member of Godís new legal firm, Zoober, Clangberg and Putz, also announced plans to sue the Bibleís many publishers for "trillions in back pay" for the work.. The legal firm, reputed to be behind the Lordís new, aggressive litigation policy, arrived in Purgatory recently after fatally crashing into an emergency medical services vehicle, and offered their services to God in exchange for admission to heaven, on a contingency basis. They also plan to represent Jesus Christ, the son of God, against Gibson. Christ claims that Gibson never contacted him to secure rights to his life story, in clear violation of established entertainment law.

Other parties named in various lawsuits include director Martin Scorcese, for defamation of character in The Last Temptation of Christ; Ď60s folk-rockers The Byrds, for their song "Turn, Turn, Turn;" several prominent Evangelical preachers, for misrepresentation; and pop singer Bono, for impersonating Jesus.

But The Passion appears to have been the trigger that opened the floodgates of Godís litigious ire. "Iíve always liked Mel," admitted the Creator. "Braveheart was awesome. But then he totally snubbed Me on this project. Frankly, I would have thought heíd want me on board, if only as a consultant. As it is, the movieís full of discrepancies. Nothing major, really, but itís the little details, you know?"

When a reporter suggested that such discrepancies were behind the bizarre fact that Jim Caviezel the actor who plays Christ in the movie, was twice struck by lightning during its production, God evaporated him, then denied the allegation. "That was Zeus," the Lord said. "Heís the guy with the lightning bolts; get it straight." He speculated that the formerly feared Greek god was motivated by jealousy: "heís just pissed because my Son and I are getting so much attention these days, and no one believes in him anymore. I tell you, all these guys are total prima donnas."

God was dismissive when asked about the recent sex abuse scandals that have rocked the Catholic Church. "Hey, donít ask me to explain those guys," said the creator. "They went their own way a long time ago. I barely know the Pope anymore. Actually, Iím thinking, if this whole legal thing goes well, I might just sue them to stop using my name."

The press conference ended unexpectedly, when a reporter asked God "why the hell" he created mosquitoes.

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© 2004 The Beast