Aries, no matter how hard you try, no one is ever going to think you’re smart, so give it up. Don’t you notice all the people rolling their eyes every time you pretend to have read the book they’re discussing, or use big words you don’t understand in the wrong context? It’s totally pathetic, Aries, and it makes you annoying to be around. Just relax; we can’t all be as smart the foreman, you know.

Eat my ass, Taurus; you’re a no good jerk. It’s so appropriate that your Zodiacal symbol is a bull; the only more fitting symbol I can think of to represent you would be a steaming heap of shit. I waited for two hours at Friday’s the other day, and you never showed; don’t try to tell me you did. That makes the third time you blew me off this week! Don’t pretend you didn’t get my messages; I was watching you from my car. I was going to be nice, Taurus, but now you’ve really upset me.

Shee-it, Gemini! Cousin Violet done left her critter up top of her Trans Am, and now they got ‘er in the pokey up on some damn fool neglect charges, plus drunk drivin’! Get your silly ass on up to momma’s and get you some money to bail her out now, ya hear? And don’t forget to take the heads out the trunk before ya go!

Cancer, your housemate has finally flipped, due to your slovenly habits and lack of respect. Letting your stupid rabbit run around the house, leaving turds everywhere for her to clean up, has caught up with you, you inconsiderate oaf: she’s been putting them in your raisin bran for months. Yes, Cancer, I could have told you this a long time ago, but I thought you deserved to twist awhile. She pees on your toothbrush too, urine breath.

Leo, you’ve always been impulsive and faddish, but this really takes the cake. Why on earth would you engage in a same-sex wedding, when you’re not even slightly gay? I know your girlfriend has been a bitch lately, but how do you think this is going to help matters? I’ve said it before, Leo, and I’ll say it again: Southern Comfort does not mix well with oxycontin. You’ve got to break it off with Bruce soon; it already two days into the honeymoon, and he’s starting to get impatient. Think chloroform.

Virgo, please stop watching that infomercial, please. Just do anything else; even turn the TV off and just sit there. It’s beyond depressing that anyone could watch a whole 30 minutes of these impossibly chirpy people on their shoddy, dangerous exercise equipment, but what makes it even worse in your case is that you have absolutely no interest whatsoever in buying the product, ever. You’re wasting my oxygen, Virgo.

Libra, your obsession with your girlfriend’s mom is getting out of control, and it has to stop. So far they just think you’re a little weird, but if you don’t stop taking pictures of her from the trees outside, you’re going to wind up single again, or in jail. It’s not normal to offer a 53-year-old woman a backrub every couple of hours, Libra; why can’t you just be into schoolgirls like everyone else?

Scorpio, the fact that you directed your own sex video is revolting not only from a moral perspective, but also from a directorial one. The poor lighting, greenish tints, lame blocking and hopelessly amateurish cinematography make your movie as static and flat as your brainwaves. Maybe, Scorpio, you need some help working on the sequel; I could be your "Best Boy."

Sagittarius, it just isn’t right to give an eight-year-old boy coffee, let alone a double espresso. I don’t care how funny you think it is to "wind him up and watch him go," as you so eloquently put it. He’s your own flesh and blood, you puke, and it’s just wrong. You will get yours, Sagittarius, it’s in the stars: I can’t wait for you to see what he puts in your IV when you’re bedridden and at his mercy.

Capricorn, did you ever stake a break from your constant self-pitying to consider the possibility that boys don’t ask you out because of those huge chunks of metal hanging out of your face? Most guys don’t dig making out if it results in severe facial lacerations. That "Life=Pain" tattoo on your head probably doesn’t help either. Lots of girls are deeply disturbed, Capricorn, but advertising it might not help you snag a man. On the other hand, you’ve effectively relieved yourself of the obligation to get a job, as nobody will ever hire you again. Congratulations, idiot.

Look, Aquarius, you’ve been depressed for exactly three days now. Don’t you think it’s a little premature to start taking Prozac? It’s okay to feel bad if you ran over your neighbor’s dog and your boyfriend left you to marry a gay man named Bruce. Your sadness is a symptom of humanity, Aquarius. For Christ’s sake, just go get drunk!

Pisces, your decision to run for President again is selfish, and will win you no friends. Everyone still thinks you ruined everything last time, not realizing that it was their own damn fault for not showing up. At any rate, just think of how mean you’re being to Kucinich. Now who’s going to vote for him, Ralph, er, Pisces? Why not stick to public safety issues, or, better yet, run for Mayor of Buffalo? There’s an election you could actually win, Pisces, and boy, do we need help.