TOOBLA AND CHESSY: THE SAGA CONTINUES

Re: Toobla and Cheesy

Not the best, but better than nothing. It's too early to tell if these two ho's are solid yet, but I say give em' a chance. Having underage sluts or older sluts (R.I.P Velma) recounting their lascivious activities in B-Lo has become a BEAST staple, so keep it going. We definitely need pics of these broads, fo' sho'.

*Thanks for re-establishing your circulation at UB too. I read it during class, instead of "learning" about fucking Theater History where the only other alternative I have is to fashion a noose from my shoelaces for which to hang myself with in the bathroom. (I was so close the other day, I actually carved "Brooks was here" on the rafter.)

-Luke Allein

FRIENDS IN DUMB PLACES

Re: Jailbait Chelsy n Tina

Dear Beast,

you guys are fuckin' nerds for not hiring this new duo on the spot. Where the fuck are their 6 figure paychecks? I don't really care if Jamie Moses is still boycotting all of your advertising potential!, pay these ladies! Yea, Jailbait Jenny, great column ya got there! Time to take it to the next step ya homo's. Here ya have two bi-atches, sexier than the arab store sale-priced porn cover girls that your small town journalism college has provided your pastly, scrawny, pale bookworm asses with, and all you can do is give jailbait Jenny another chance at her beat, boring, fat-assed, steak-out lovin' (how long has she been a freshman at college?) UGLY no less, dry persona ladden played out column? And... you choose not to move forward after knowing this (your kinda smart, i'll give you that?) So much for a progressive newspaper you fuckin' republicans. Chelsey and Tina will bring your paisly sock wearin', chucky-cheesy critical mass ridin' limbs to a cold shiver in your fake fireplace ashland apartments. I need say no more. If these ladies, or should i say girls (unlike "jailbait" jenny} don'.t have a column to brighten your dwindling newspapers readers hearts, then I say, you might as well cut down all the trees in america, and build a wall around our free country with two liter pepsi bottles filled with human fecal matter. Think about it dorks!. VOTE DICK COCKBURN!

--Jeremy Neff

Dear Jeremy,

LIKE A LITERARY HEIMLICH

Dear Beast,

Love your pages!! I save you for Sunday mornings to read with a good cup of coffee. I almost threw up my good cup of coffee the other day though, after reading "The night we got kidnapped by hookers". Toobla and Chessy? More like Toobad your Cheesy! I'm sure if we all tried real hard with our drunken little minds, we could make up a story just as bad. Stick to jailbait jenny, at least with her stories, their so stupid, they have to be true!!

Forever Yours,

Sarah D.

ARE YOU THERE, GOD? IT’S ME, JAILBAIT

Re: Lick My Crotch

Dear Toobla and Chessy,

I REALLY believe that you are REAL people, REALLY I do. Honestly though, I appreciate your little stunt to try to get me off the bong and back to writing articles about my un-sober self. Replacing "our" with "are" was creative, by the way. Now contrary to popular believe, I’m not stupid, or easy for that matter, and for your own information, if you want something from someone, telling them to "eat shit ugly face" isn’t the best approach. Don’t worry, I’ll let it slide this time. I’ll get back on the ball with your precious articles, or if you want, I won’t, and you can put the fucking lame horoscopes in my place. (No offense to the shmuk who writes them.) Anyway, if Toobla and Chessy are indeed real persons, well then show them to me and I guess I’ll have to give you a complimentary poll dance for making myself look like an idiot, and then kick both of their asses for being douchebags. Not even I would do something that stupid. Another stupid thing I would never do, believing that girls like me read the BEAST, because they don’t, and you know it! I’m the exception though, and that’s why you love me. Don’t disappoint me again you fucks.

Eat Shit,

Jailbait Jenny

Dear Jenny,

RADICAL CHUMP

Re: plagiarizing monkey

It's no secret that many news organizations have stopped doing their own reporting in favor of rehashing stories from the NY Times, but say it ain't so.....now the Beast has hopped on the "copy the Times" bandwagon?

In the latest issue, your Radical Chimp cut and pasted large portions of Paul Krugman's February 14 opinion piece from the NY Times, unless Paul Krugman is in fact the Radical Chimp.  If that's the case, then I'm an asshole.

Your paper is obviously cooler than the Times, so don't bore me with this plagiarized mainstream shit when I'm trying to get the Beast perspective.  I'd be willing to bet that a lot of Beast readers check out Krugman's Bush bashing regularly, so give us some credit.

The current administration provides enough material that even a chimp should be able to come up with an original criticism.  You guys suck, I'm disappointed.

Eric Ameigh

Dear Eric,

SILLY MONKEY

Re: The Chimp Likes Krugman

This is from your current online issue (Critique of Pure Dread by the

Radical Chimp):

"The questions about George Bush’s time in the National Guard are legitimate. All you have to do is look at National Budget. It’s the most dishonest one in history, if you overlook 2001, 2002, and 2003. No, not as Disraeli, the old British Prime Minister said, it’s not about lies, damn lies, and statistics—it’s about the photos.

"There are about 27 of them in fact. Glossies of the purported president in front of a gigantic American flag, the Washington monument, comforting an elderly woman in a wheelchair, helping a small child with his reading, blazing a trail through the wilderness, and naturally eating turkey with the troops in Iraq. Swimming the English Channel and conquering France or bathing in the Tigris River are inexplicably left out."

This is from a Paul Krugman column in the New York Times:

"To understand why questions about George Bush's time in the National Guard are legitimate, all you have to do is look at the federal budget published last week. No, not the lies, damned lies and statistics — the pictures.

"By my count, this year's budget contains 27 glossy photos of Mr. Bush. We see the president in front of a giant American flag, in front of the Washington Monument, comforting an elderly woman in a wheelchair, helping a small child with his reading assignment, building a trail through the wilderness and, of course, eating turkey with the troops in Iraq. Somehow the art director neglected to include a photo of the president swimming across the Yangtze River."

Pretty sloppy stuff. I like your paper, but I prefer original writing. More Taibbi, please, and go stick a banana up the Chimp's ass.

Mike

BEAST DEATH TOLL REACHES 15!

Re: Full Color Covers

It's nice to see that The Beast is now printing full color covers. Actually, nice isn't the right word to use. Something more along the lines of ridiculous would probably be more appropriate. Back in the very first issue of The Beast, Artvoice was ridiculed for having a full color cover and the hilarious but short-lived Artvoice Death Toll was started. According to The Beast, a full color cover was "wasteful" and a "non-essential expenditure."

According to The Beast, the money for a full color cover would be better spent on sponsoring a child. Of course, I wouldn't expect you guys to continue the high moral standards of your predecessors. You can't even continue the high quality of their writing and humor. I just hope the new Beast budget now allows for some its staffers to get paid.

Phil McCraken

Dear Phil,

DANCES WITH MOSES

Re: Thank You

An exzcelent article.

Thank-you again from an Indian, just trying to stay in NYS and co exist.

Marty

Dear Marty,