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THINNING THE HERD People who should be removed from the gene pool by Chris Riordan Humans, much like caribou, are animals that have evolved over the years through a process of natural selection. Unlike Caribou, however, humans in recent times have begun nourishing the weaker members of the species through social welfare programs and civility. This compassion allows such unfit specimens to reproduce and pass their crappy genetic information down to later generations. The caribou just let their weaker counterparts die, which is why the caribou remains a strong and proud animal, while human beings are getting crappier and crappier. This column is dedicated to defining the groups of humans that should be taken behind the shed and put out of their misery in hope of a better tomorrow for mankind.
#1. PEOPLE WHO CANNOT URINATE IN PUBLIC
There are people out there who can’t piss in public if someone else is sharing the restroom they are in. The others in the bathroom could be several urinals down or even facing the other way, perhaps using the hand blower or sink, but the afflicted still can’t make lemonade. This phenomenon is known as "stage fright," describing the inability to properly perform bodily functions in front of an imagined audience. Clearly, anyone who can’t go pee-pee in front of others has some serious hang-ups. Total pussies. Much too self-conscious and shy, these people probably don’t drop their drawers much at all, so breeding may not be much of a problem. However, it is important that we take drastic action to permanently eliminate them from the gene pool because of the harm they cause others. Do you know where they choose to urinate when using a public restroom? Well, the urinals are too open, so they go into a toilet stall and piss in the shitter. And they never lift the damn seat. Going number two in public is always an unpleasant task that most people avoid if at all possible. When it’s crunch time, and you really have to defecate away from home, it would be a much more pleasant experience if the shitting session didn’t begin with a laborious process of wiping a strangers urine droplets from the seat of the toilet. And with nothing but second-rate toilet paper to clean with, you know the residue and germs of someone else’s piss is still pressed firmly against your thighs while you try to pinch a loaf. For the pain and suffering they cause public poopers, these people should be eliminated. Or at least publicly scorned. Shame, shame on you!
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