The BEAST News in Briefs

County Residents Take it in the Ass Again - WARNING: This story contains nasty swear words like “shit”, “fuck” and “politician,” and should not be viewed by anyone prone to outrage! On March 4 a “bipartisan” Citizens Review Board comprised of close friends of the County Executive recommended massive pay raises for Joel Giambra and other senior county officials. Oblivious residents were treated to this slap in the face only four months after an election in which legislative and executive raises were never even mentioned. Giambra made a big stink last August about postponing raises for police officers, declaring "The city doesn't have the ability to pay these raises!" In his twisted view, police officers who put their lives on the line every day are not as critical to Buffalo’s future as elected liars. Now that he’s safely retained office, Giambra claims his six-figure salary isn’t enough for all the hard work he’s done hooking up his cronies and screwing the city every chance he gets. Average citizens are astounded Giambra ever ran for office if he didn’t think the job paid enough, and he will be hard pressed to find a sympathetic shoulder to cry poor on. Maybe that three thousand square foot house on prestigious Middlesex Avenue worth $267,000 isn’t big enough anymore, or maybe the private school his children attend raised the tuition; whatever the case may be, Giambra is in line to receive a 40% raise for a job he is already well-compensated for, by local standards. In a region whose median income is less than thirty thousand dollars a year, these raises are an outrage, but some politicians, especially blatant opportunists like Giambra who say so much and do so little, have no shame or conscience and sleep well every night on a bed of taxpayer money. Instead of cutting costs and lowering ridiculously inflated county salaries across the board as prudence would dictate, these degenerate pigs are treated like CEOs in successful corporations, not the bungling, egotistical, sociopathic blowhards they actually are. So congratulations, take the goddamn raise you engineered so nicely and stick it far up your fucking ass you arrogant, two-faced, deceitful prick. Citizens are advised to throw fresh, steaming shit at Giambra the next time he’s seen in public.

Sensational Shootouts - Only two people were shot March 6 at Club Sensationz on Elm Street during the popular nightspot’s “Gang Appreciation Night.” Turnout paled in comparison to the successful January 26th event, in which three people were shot. Management claims bad publicity has hurt their business, while authorities counter that Sensationz clientele is merely killing each other off in order to shorten the line to get in. Preparations for the April event are already underway and attendees are urged to pack heat, bring plenty of ammo and wear flak jackets. Cash prizes will be awarded for KIA’s, Best Shot, and Most Casualties, so don’t be afraid to head down to Sensationz, and take a bullet in the name of good clean fun.

Giambra’s Head Swells - Doctors were at a loss to explain why Country Executive Joel Giambra’s head started blowing up like a carnival balloon over the last few weeks. Citing his successful re-election last November and subsequent bitch-slappings of Mayor Masiello and the citizens of Buffalo, physicians believe Giambra’s head began swelling sometime prior to his record pay raise. According to Dr. Martin Fakedoctor, “What happens is that as an individual gains more power and wealth in such grossly unscrupulous ways without any sort of challenge, their overstretched ego actually triggers a growth spurt. If left unchecked, his head could explode altogether, which would be a disaster because Joel Giambra is the only person in the entire universe who can run Erie County.” Local clergymen have asked their congregations to quit praying for Giambra’s head to burst, insisting the Almighty “takes care of all things in his own time.”

New Newspaper - Western New Yorkers were pleasantly surprised to find a new look to the Buffalo News on Sunday March 7. Much to the chagrin of local optometrists, the blurry pictures have been replaced with clear, colorful photos and sharp graphics. The News spent $40 million upgrading their presses and promise an entirely new design in May. It’s only about 20 years too late for this modern, organized layout, but when you have a monopoly on the market and the owner is the second richest man in the world, delivering a timely product to the community isn’t a huge priority. No word yet if the News plans to upgrade its shoddy journalistic practices as well, so don’t hold your breath waiting for quality, objective reporting on local events.

Priest Molests Boy - Somewhere right now, a young boy is suffering at the hands of a man who holds the key to God’s Kingdom. No, not Joel Giambra, it’s your local priest! So why are you still going to church and dropping your dollars in the collection basket? Don’t you know that that money directly funds 75% of the child porn industry? Quit acting like nothing’s wrong and start praying for God to clean up his image and kick all the scumbags out of his church. Now that it’s all out in the open, seminary schools ought to just merge with NAMBLA and quit denying themselves the freedom of openly consorting with naive young boys.

Chippewa Sluts Duke It Out - Police were called to the offices of The BEAST last Thursday, when an editorial meeting turned into a stellar catfight. New columnists Toobla and Chessy, the irrepressible bar stalking teen hotties took offense when the usually graceful Jailbait Jenny called them “stupid, skank ass bitches.” The ensuing brawl knocked over tables and chairs and included a healthy amount of scratching, hair pulling, and clothes ripping. The BEAST staff thought it best not to interfere, and watched a fantastic display of skin and violence as Jailbait Jenny did her best to fight off the two younger, sluttier girls. Police arrived before a winner could be declared, and the sweaty teens were all taken home to their parents. Tickets will be available for the next staff meeting which promises to be a spectacular rematch.

Mesi Kicks Ass - Tonawanda native “Baby” Joe Mesi barely hung on Saturday night to beat some Ex-Communist Country former Olympic champion boxer, another “win” which did little to cement his reputation as a true heavyweight challenger. He came out looking chiseled and mean and was in complete control for seven of the first eight rounds before making the fatal error of pursuing Jirov in the last rounds and meeting the canvas three times. One more punch in the tenth and “Baby” Joe would have been eating soup and living in dark rooms for the next six months before his next big HBO payday. Shades of Wide Right and No Goal reared their ugly head in the last round, but Vegas fixers have other plans for our native son. “Baby” Joe will move up in the rankings, but seems more like a pawn in some devious Mafia boxing scam than a true contender. Please, Joe, go out and kick somebody’s ass decisively on worldwide television and make us all proud.

St. Patty’s Day Parade - Thank God for St. Patrick’s Day, otherwise Buffalonians would never have a reason to hang out on Delaware Avenue and party. It’s the perfect time of year for all of Western New York to enjoy the cold, rain and sleet together. The parade featured the usual line of talented young Riverdancers, awesome high school bands, aged war veterans, useless union representatives, and other associated Irish affiliations. Lots of hot rods this year too; there’s no parade NASCAR gear-heads with grungy, gas-guzzling cars won’t worm their way into. Turnout was light compared to last year, but the results were ever the same; thousands of drunken people, three Port-A-Potties. Sheltered suburban families thought that was rain flowing from under the Arby’s dumpster, but it was pure urine. It’s a shame when inhibition-lowered females are forced to squat openly in parking lots, alleyways, and stairwells because there’s nowhere else to pee. At least guys can stand tall and pretend they’re pointing at the 59th Local Union of Insulators And Asbestos Workers float. This was Buffalo at it’s finest: wet, cold, drunk, and happy for no reason.

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