Name: Bob Heironimus

Turn-ons: Fame, Patience, Bananas, Knowing things that others don’t

Turn-offs: Hairballs, the Yeti, Martha Stewart, Getting Stiffed

How I became The BEAST Page 3 Profoundly Successful Hoax: Well, we really had great drugs in Northern California in 1967. A couple of guys I knew had a gorilla suit, a camera, and they were shrooming pretty hard. They got me drunk and convinced me to get in the suit and go “be a cosmic ape-thing” or something.They filmed me for a while and then things got way out of hand; I don’t want to talkl about it. I never got my damn money, either.

Future Plans: I think I’ll spend my golden years primarily laughing my ass off at all of you, you gullible morons. I mean, look at that picture! It’s pretty damn clear now, isn’t it? But so many of you bought it! Jane Goodall still does! Deny it all you want; you know I had you going.

How I want to be remembered: As the asshole that made you feel like a chump. Also as the star of the very first plushy film, and a pioneer in power-walking, another good hoax I came up with.